After all's been said and done.

I'm drinking coffee because it's the most agreeable beverage I can drink (even better than ice cold milk) and it's putting me in a very good mood. Now, if you had your choice, wouldn't you do the same thing and fill yourself with some caffeine? 

I know it's only a semi-permanent effect and that it will wear off again and that it will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. As soon as I quit drinking the coffee and switch to something else, I will start mellowing out again and I will be yawning by the time it is bedtime. 

I'm almost always an optimist and today I most certainly am.

It must be because today the sun has been shining, except for the occasional cloud, and it cast its light into the living room for most of the afternoon, making it nice and warm in here.  It does make me feel more cheerful but I already was anyway. 

I was from the moment I got up this morning and was merrily greeted by the dog. What a way to start the day. I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes in all peacefulness and silence. I had given myself an hour to get myself together and that was enough. Then I was ready to get the show on the road and the first thing I did was take the dog for a walk in the crispy morning air. 

I've done all the things that I planned to do today and I consider it successful. I hope I will repeat myself tomorrow when it will be a little less hectic. I will still have to accomplish things but they will all have to be done at home which will simplify the process.

I've ordered another denim jacket on line which will be delivered in the afternoon. It's a gray one with little pink flowers. It will match the clothes that my blue denim one doesn't. I live in my blue denim jacket, except for when it needs to be washed and then I miss it sorely. It's become an inseperable part of me.

I've started to pay attention more to the way I look. I had neglected that a little bit lately and put my clothes on without much care to the details. Today I've got a scraf draped around my neck that I haven't worn in a long time and I'm pleased with the effect. I picked it up instinctively, not knowing how it would look. It was the right choice. 

One of my rings has fallen off my finger and I don't know when it happened so I don't know where to look for it. It could be anywhere. It's a shame because it's one I liked a lot, although it was not an expensive one. That's how skinny my fingers have become and I wish my stomach would follow suit.

Thank goodness that I can see clearly now because the domestic help has washed the windows.

Ciao,

Irene

Finally...

I've finally managed to get myself dressed and walk the dog. The poor animal was waiting so patiently for me to get my act together and I wasn't doing it. It was with great joy that he saw me head to the bathroom to get ready and he stayed by the door, checking to make sure I really did. He always waits by the bathroom door and when I'm done, he sniffs me to make sure it's really me. Then, when we went out, I needed four baggies to clean up after him, which I luckily had with me. Don't tell me I'm not a responsible citizen.

I don't know why I was such a slowpoke this morning. I got up at a decent hour. As a matter of fact, I got up too early and realized it before I could turn on the computer and finished sleeping on the sofa. I feel like taking a nap now, but that must be because it's Sunday and a defense mechanism against boredom. After I write this, I'll lay down on the sofa with my book and we'll see what happens. I'm hoping it will intrigue me enough to keep me awake. It's still Secret Scripture and I'm enjoying it. Sebastian Barry is one heck of a writer. He makes you believe that what you read is real and I must read more novels by him.

It's almost noontime now and half the day is done. I think I will also draw or paint today or both. After I take that refreshing nap.

I am dressed in black leggings, a blue denim skirt and a black top with short sleeves. I am wearing multiple matching bracelets and a colorful necklace, but the necklace is making my neck itch, so I will have to take it off and put something else on. It's probably not nickel free metal. It's one I got from the woman I gave my earrings to. I'm always so sensitive to jewelry and I can't wear silver necklaces or earrings at all, which is a shame, because there are some nice pieces of jewelry made with silver.

Which makes me think I have scarves to wear and I should get them out and see if I can wear one of them instead of a necklace. What a splendid idea. I had forgotten all about them. It is that time of year again to wear scarves. I have two or three of them and I think I have one that has purple in it, which would match the bracelets I am wearing now. I'll go have a look...Yes, I've found it. It has purple and red in it, so it matches two sets of bracelets and several necklaces too, if I wanted to wear those, but I think just a scarf is enough. It feels good around my neck that was itching. Another fashion solution come about. Isn't it nice when you forget about things temporarily? But I have a rash in my neck and I'll have to put some ointment on it.

I must buy more scarves if I am to make a fashion statement this fall and winter. My friend Von wears them all the time. She must have a dozen of them. Lord, I can get so excited about a little thing like that. I feel like I ought to go out right now and buy a new one, but all the stores are closed. I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I think I have just enough cash to get one and I know where to get it.

I get the same way with boots or purses or anything. I realize I like something very much and I immediately want more of it. More denim skirts and more purses and more boots. I realize I've been using the same purse now for a long time, so it's time to get another purse out and I will do that next. It's time to clean my purse out anyway, it's a mess. I have two other good purses that I haven't used in a while and it will be fun to pick out the one I will want to use. I'll have to find a case to put my camera in, because the purse I'm using now has a little compartment for it. That shouldn't be too much of a challenge, though.

I got those two other purses from the Exfactor when I was hypo manic and I could sweep him along in my enthusiasm and get him to buy me all the things I fell in love with, even if I was not with him. My excitement rubbed off on him and he got completely caught up in it. I remember being higher than I kite when he bought me those purses and feeling invincible. Maybe that's why I've been reluctant to use them, because of those memories. The purses are great and look like tribal bags, as if they come from Africa. They are big and have lots of room to put all sorts of things in. Like my shopping if I go downtown and have money to spend.

I was wearing my jeans yesterday, but they seemed to be too big for me and at one point they started sliding down my hips, so that I looked like one of those kids who wear their jeans with the crotch between their knees. I made it home just on time before I looked completely ridiculous, but I can't wear those jeans anymore. At home they kept sliding down and I kept hitching them up, so I took them off and replaced them with a skirt and leggings, which is much more sensible. I have to look in my closet to see if I have another pair of jeans that fit better. These I probably bought when I was heavier and I put them on when they came straight out of the wash and they were tight. I was kind of surprised that I had a pair of jeans in light denim that fit me. On top of that, they were stretch jeans too. I certainly didn't need that.

The top I am wearing is very cute. It has a V-neck and little buttons down the middle and a bow that ties right at the bottom of the V. It has very small short sleeves and the top itself is long, it goes way past my hips. It's the one I bought for 10 Euros in my favorite store, where I don't hang out anymore due to a shortage of money. I'll go there when the next paycheck comes and see if there is anything really cheap on sale. I do love a good deal and one must be had.

Well, now I'm gong to change purses and throw out everything that is junk from my old purse, including all the tobacco crumbs and cookie and nougat wrappers. It will be fun to see what's all in there.

At least I will have spent part of my Sunday doing something pleasurable. Not to forget the hunt for the scarves.

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,
Nora

One of those nights!

I completely fell asleep on the sofa while watching the 8 pm news and didn't wake up until midnight. I felt very good when I woke up, and full of energy, and the computer was in its sleeping mode, so I woke it up and checked my emails. Well, you know, one thing leads to another and then you have to make yourself a cup of decaf and answer all your emails and that takes a little time, so before you know it, it is very late and you're still not in bed. At that point, I figured I may as well stay up a little longer and really break the night. Besides, tomorrow is Saturday morning and I don't have to go anywhere, I really officially don't have to go anywhere and I don't even have to go grocery shopping.

Actually, playing with Ubuntu has taken up a lot of my time, because I'm figuring out how everything works. I have to do it on my own and I don't have an instruction booklet, which would be mighty handy, so I just work my way through things and figure them out as I go along. Sometimes I'm stumped and sometimes it works. Sometimes the help section really helps and sometimes it doesn't. Slowly but surely I'm getting things to work, though, like the music systems, which would not play at first, but there is much more I have to work out. I'll be busy with it for a while yet.

So, I did not go to therapy today and that means that I've been home all week this week and I've had a whole week off. I'm not going to claim that it was like a vacation, because it was not enough fun for that, but at least I had a break. I become a basket case thinking about it, so I'll just say that on Monday I'll go to creative therapy and hope to talk to the head therapist then.

Well, that's quite enough of that.

Actually, I can't wait to get an extra table and chair to place in my bedroom by the window so I can start creating art there. That's what I'm really looking forward to. I'm so excited about doing that and I can't wait to go out and get the supplies. There is a store close to here called "Action" that sometimes sells art supplies at really low prices so I must go and have a look there at what they've got. I also have to remind my sister not to throw out any of the magazines she reads for the images and the texts.

A good blog friend is sending me a box of art supplies from the Sates and I can't wait for it to get here. That will be the start of it, along with some of the things I still have myself, which are scant.


The weather was beautiful today. The sun was shining all day long, but it wasn't too hot. The bike ride into town was really nice, especially when you consider that I have a good working bike now and the Exfactor had pumped up my rear tire so I really moved along well.

Some people were sitting at our table, but it looked like they were just about done and just as they were getting ready to leave, I grabbed a chair to prevent anyone else from claiming it. You have to be just a bit rude to get what you want and I wanted that table, because all the tables under the sun cover and on the square were taken. It's tourist season, so things are always busy.

Von and I had a heated discussion about love and men. Is there another subject more worthy of discussion? We both thought that falling in love was a horrible thing, but loving someone was good. Falling in love is like temporary insanity and makes you behave strangely and do odd things. Things you wouldn't do under normal circumstances. Loving someone is a totally different ballgame. For one thing, you can think clearly and you don't make a big mess and you aren't blindsided by your overheated emotions.

I ordered a piece of apple pie with whipped cream with my second cup of cappuccino, figuring I had deserved it after a week of despair, but I couldn't finish it nor could I finish my cappuccino.

So, we went shopping instead, first for Von and then for me in my cheap store. We found a see through blousy top that I can wear over a sexy tank top and that Von said I should wear in my boudoir. It was only 7 Euros. I bought another set of matching bracelets to go with it, this time in reds and pinks. I just have to stop spending money on myself!

On my way home I didn't run over any pedestrians, although several made suicidal attempts by stepping of the sidewalk into the street and instead of using my bell, I still yell at them. People are so oblivious! On the way into town, people were walking in the middle of the street and I yelled at them to use the sidewalk, because it is hard enough to ride your bike over the very rough cobblestones. Yes, they get upset with me and no, I don't care. I just don't want to end up face down on the street.

I stopped by the pharmacy to get a supply of drugs, which they gladly gave me and when I rode away on my bike, my necklace broke and it is one of my favorite ones, but luckily, I noticed it and caught it in my hand before it fell in the street.

Jesker was so happy to see me. He had been laying behind the front door again. I always make a big deal out of greeting him as if we've not seen each other for ages. He's so cute.

When I was fixing my necklace, I managed to spill a whole glass of fruit juice all over the table and all over my cigarettes. Guess what I said then? You're right! I sopped it up with a towel and laid my cigarettes out to dry, which did not even taste that funny when they were. I did fix my necklace. It had broken because of the strap of my purse. It had gotten caught underneath it when I turned my head to see if there was any traffic coming. That's what happens when you wear your purse across your chest against purse snatchers.

I put on my boudoir top and walked Jesker and I wasn't propositioned once, which I think is probably for the best. You don't want to pick up men off the street.

Well, that just about was my day. I am going to try to add some photos to this post, but I have to resize them first and I don't know yet if I can do that, so we'll see.

Ciao...

Whacky World.

More then half the week of therapies is behind me and I'm beat. I don't even have the energy to go to the store and I'm eking out the supplies that are in the refrigerator and the cabinets. I will have to go tomorrow when hopefully I will have the time and the energy. All I did today was make it to the tobacconist for tobacco and filter tubes and the special trash bags and one chocolate bar for a quick pick me up, because I was seriously dragging my butt, going there straight from my dance therapy.

It feels so good to sit here with my mug of coffee and my cigarettes and to just rest my mind and body over nothing complicated at all. I've just read new posts to a lot of blogs and that was very enjoyable. Not that people all have uncomplicated lives, but somehow it all seems manageable. There are no catastrophes out there. At least none that I'm aware of. We all have our difficulties, but they are all human sized and within the norm of what is standard.

I guess somewhere along the line you have to make up your mind about that. About what you as a human being can accept in your life as tragedies and how much is too much and how much time do you need to grieve over that before you feel that you can be normal and join the human race again. I suppose the answer to that is different for every person, but maybe much more alike than different for all of us.

I notice that in all of my groups, that each person in their grief and depression and pain and sadness is so much alike and exhibits such similar behavior and has such similar thought patterns. It's like we all read a big book somewhere that said, under these conditions you act that way. So much of it is very predictable. The beginning, the middle, the end, if it ever comes, all have their own sets of behavior and thought patterns and language and if you're a patient long enough, and know a lot of things, you see this and get as smart almost as the therapist. I do have to point out that I say almost. That's very important. You never get as smart as. Patients lack the objectivity.

Hell, I don't even know if I'm qualified to write that stuff down. They are just my own observations. You do learn a lot in my line of activities. People around me in the groups say I have a lot of courage and inner strength and that I am verbally strong. I dare to talk about subjects that they are afraid to bring up, but are relieved when I do. But I'm not always courageous. I get insecure too and wonder if I say too much or breach the wrong subject and I pay a price for that afterwards if I don't get the answer to my questions quickly. I have to settle my own sense of insecurity on the spot or walk around with it and it will nag at me until it hurts.

Well anyway, today at dance therapy, we learned to dance with a veil and if you think that's easy, think again. Your arms get very tired lifting this thing up and around you and twisting it around your shoulders and in front of you becomingly. Then try to do that while dancing with the emphasis on your hips.

I have to tell you very honestly that I'm the worst student in the class and do not move gracefully, but more like a stiff rake with arms an legs attached to it. I have no swing in my hips and no easy bend in my back and all my movements cost effort. And I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. I lean to the left and forget to breathe. My hip and my back hurt and I have to take mini breaks. I loose the rhythm and have too start all over again. I'm a lost cause.

But still I'll keep going, because the music is wonderful.

The weather has been gray and cold and windy all day and now it is raining. It's feast or famine here. We'll have sunshine again on Friday, but it won't be warm. That I don't care about so much. I don't mind wearing an extra layer of clothes. In fact, I prefer it, it makes for interesting dressing up. And you know how much I like that.

I gave away all my jangly earrings that I never wear to a very nice woman who loves to wear them and I made her very happy with them. I only wear my titanium studs, at least, I think that's what they are. They never irritate my ears. This woman was wearing a necklace that I very much admired and she's going to get me one just like it. I'm a necklace person and feel naked without one. So, that's great.

Tomorrow is music therapy and relaxation exercises and only a short morning. In the afternoon, someone from domestic help is coming for an intake meeting to see what needs to be done to the apartment to get it back to normal again and how much help I need with that. They had lost the original application that was put in when I was depressed and my SPN sent in a new one, because it seems I still need help now with all these extra classes and no idea of how to get things back on the rails.

I'll leave it at that and walk the dog for the last time and get my pajamas on and do the dishes. Oh, somebody needs to do them. I live here, so it must be me.

Have a great evening.

Ciao...