Unbelievably so...

Spring is here. I´ve seen the proof of it all over the place today when I was out taking the dog for his long walks. I paid close attention to everything in nature and saw green buds and new shoots on hedges and rose bushes and other plants. I also saw lots of bulb plants popping out of the ground and I saw my first tulips blooming. 

There were perennials that had new leaves and weeds underneath the hedges that were multiplying. There were even new daisies in the grass. Once I started looking carefully, there turned out to be new life everywhere. What at first had seemed like bare gardens, turned out to be places full of promise of things to come. I´m thrilled to pieces. 

Because the weather was also decent, it was a pleasure to be out there and I made the walks longer than I had planned to. The dog is just going to have to get used to it. We´ll keep going out there and making longer rounds all the time. There´so much to discover and enjoy. I do have to bend over bushes and plants regularly to inspect them for new growth. It´s not always obvious right away, whle with some others it´s clear to see. 

I´m so thrilled that today I saw these signs of spring because now I know that it´s really on its way and that we´re moving in the right direction. It is March, after all and not much bad weather can hit us now. I´m full of hope. My good mood can´t be beat and I will keep being upbeat now untill the end of the summer, even well into the fall. I´ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

For me this means the liberation from winterrtime and it will really be complete when we set the clocks ahead one hour on the weekend of the 24th.  That will mean that it will stay light longer in the evening and I´m all for that. It means taking the dog for longer walks then too. The poor dog does have to walk a lot. 

I actually still get very sleepy and groggy during the day. I solve that with drinking coffee and taking naps. If I drink coffee and then go for a walk with the dog, it serves me well. I get lots of energy out of that. Taking a nap is a nice option too, but I don´t always want to do that. It´s okay in the morning when I haven´t slept enough yet anyway., but I don´t want to waste the rest of the day on them. 

I know I should go for a walk now, but I´m too tired to go and besides, I´m wearing my bathrobe and am nice and warm. The dog will have to go out back. 

Oh, in the morning that bird is back singing its beautiful song. It´s a long song and it takes a while for it to get through it. It sings it with a little bit of variation the whole early morning. It´s like it´s having a monologue. It sure is pretty.  I can´t see the bird, so I have no idea what it looks like. 

Oh, I just did some research and I found out that it is the European Blackbird or the Turdus Merula. If you look it up on YouTube you can hear its song. Mine just sounds so much better. He must be a pro. Maybe he speaks the local dialect. 

Well, I´ve sat here long enough and wasted my time. I´ve done other things while I was supposed to be writing this. You can´t trust me to stick to the job at hand. I´m now listening to the soundtrack of a rainstorm. It is very pleasant to listen to, though I have to say that I´m very glad that it´s not raining like that outside. It would be good to fall asleep to, though. 

I just had some whole grain bread with butter. It was a joy to eat, but I´m awfully full. I won´t be able to eat or drink anything for quite a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Irene´s Dutch Diva Blog.

Not normal...

It's okay if I don't feel normal right now because it's perfectly understandable under the circumstances. It's because I have no nicotine entering my brain. That's why I feel so flaked out most of the time. I just read it on the website that helps you quit smoking.

I thought it was about time that I went there. I had read the booklet a few times, but I hadn't been to the website yet and it turned out to be a cornucopia of information. Did you know that by now all the nicotine is already out of my body? It is two days after you stop smoking. And after you stop using the patches, of course. It's been four days since I did.

This is my brain on no nicotine. This is where I got in trouble the last time, so I have to watch it, but I think I already was hypo-manic on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I got that behind me. These past days I've been sleepy and flaky. The thing I do best is take the dog for walks. It's the least complicated thing I can do. If I didn't know better I'd think I was mentally challenged.

It also said that my taste and smelling abilities should be vastly improved, but I haven't noticed that so much, although they probably already had since January the 24th when I officially quit. I had expected more of it. I guess I was expecting to be overwhelmed by smells that would transport me back to the past and that hasn't happened a lot. I can't say that things taste all that wonderful either. It's not like there's an angel peeing on my tongue.

Maybe these abilitites will return later or not at all. Maybe they're permanently impaired.

All the carbom monoxide is gone from my body too. I'm thrilled about that. That was plain poison, of course. It's been replaced by pure oxygen. Or as clean as it is in the air around here with all the traffic. I should live in the country where the air is cleaner. Ha, I wish.

I'm constantly running out of things to blog about. I don't know what else to add. I think maybe I had better go to bed.

Ciao,
Irene

The lack of nicotine....

I want to write a cohesive post, but I find it very difficult to. It's like the lack of nicotine is preventing me from writing down anything that's sensible.

I haven't worn a nicotine patch since Tuesday when I discovered I could do without them and not miss the nicotine. It's true, I don't. I've had a peaceful time ever since and am amazed that this is so. 

I'm so peaceful today that I can't seem to really wake up and keep having to go back to bed to sleep some more.

I'm having some coffee to prevent me from falling asleep behind the computer. 

It's not working very well. 

Anyway...

Yesterday I had my hair cut and I had to promise to never let my hair grow again. I did and left the shop with a great haircut that looks quite perky on me. It's very easy to take care of hair and a breeze to wash and dry. 

I've already written down in my agenda when I should make the next appointment. I'm not going to make the mistake of walking around with a grown out haiircut. 

Oh yes, I remembered. I'm not supposed to be perfect. I almost forgot. I did start to sound like I was trying to be a perfect person, wasn't I? And I'm allowed to make all the mistakes I want. What's going to happen if I do anyway? The world's not going to come to an end. 

Jeez! I'm even perfect in being imperfect. 

So, I don't know why I don't need the nicotine patches. Maybe it's because I only smoked for such a short time. I will have to take the nicoltine patches I have left back to the pharmacy to see if I can get back my money. I have one full box that's not been opened yet. 

In my enthusiasm, I bought two weeks worth of patches. Dumb!

I only used them one day.

Ciao,

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Early on Wednesday morning...

I haven't slept much yet, but have been up half the night, sitting behind the computer, eating slices of bread with peanut butter. Mmm, good. That's to compensate for the cigarettes I'm not smoking. The bread with peanut butter does give me a feeling of satisfaction for a long time and I forget all about wanting to smoke. It takes the frustration out of me. 

Actually, I'm not having such a bad time because this is the second time I'm quitting in a very short time and I know what I'm doing. I've become a bit of a pro at quitting smoking. I know the pitfalls. 

The most important thing is to keep busy and to make sure there are not too many boring moments. It helps to sit behind the computer and to pretend I'm doing all sorts of interesting things. A lot of times I do, but sometimes I'm just sitting here day dreaming. As long as I keep my hand on the mouse it feels like I'm engaged in an activity. 

I'm going to call the hairdresser today because I've decided that I'm not going to let my hair grow long. It's at that very awkward stage now and I think I look ridiculous half of the time. I don't see much merit in letting it grow longer and having to sryle it the way it would look nice or how I would be happy with it. I want it all away from my face, so I may as well have it cut short again.

As it is now, I have to use a lot of hairspray and even then my hair doesn't stay in place. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment today. That's why I want to call over there first thing at 9 am. I assume someone will be there then. I'll be much happier with shorter hair. I just know it. And you know, once I get something in my head, it has to happen as soon as possible. 

I sure am a boring person without cigarettes. I'm like dull Jane sitting here behind the computer. I've even made more coffee to liven myself up with. Mostly I've been sitting here caught in thought and not even thinking anything of importance. I'm so easily distracted from what I'm doing. It's one way to spend the early morning hours. 

Every minute spent day dreaming is one in which I don't think about smoking. 

It's starting to get light out and the day will officially begin. If I'm smart, I will take the dog for a walk early. It will be good to get the first fresh air and to be out there before anybody else is.

Have yourself a wonderful day. 

Ciao,

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Happiness in the evening...

I had a strawberry jam sandwich with the crusts cut off. I can handle that if I don't immediately try to drink a cup of coffee afterwards. I do have to wait for the sandwich to make its way down which was kind of a shame because I was in high need of the coffee. I was not only hungry, but also discombobulated because I had just woken up from an unplanned nap.

Because I was so discombobulated, I was ready to throw myself off a high cliff, but I knew I just needed some caffeine so I had to be patient for a little while. And let me tell you, smoking a cigarette does absolutely nothing to make me feel better at such a time. Nicotine does nothing for me mentally when I feel that messed up. 

I went by the pharmacy today and got the new supply of nicotine patches so I can stop smoking again tomorrow. I've smoked for 9 days and am more than eager to quit again. I'll throw away all the tobacco that's left and flush it down the toilet. That way there will be no temptation. I'm smoking as I write this and my chest doesn't feel so good. My body will be glad when I quit. 

I had to go see my therapist today and there was a strong cold wind blowing that I had to ride my bike into and I realized how out of shape I was because I had started smoking again. I had to go uphill at one point and barely made it. That was pretty bad because before I got up there easily. People aren't meant to smoke. It's a pretty bad thing to do to yourself. I certainly notice the difference after not having smoked for a month. 

It's because I became hypo-manic that I started again and my therapist said that it's one of the pitfalls for people who are bipolar. It's harder for us to quit, but that just makes me more determined. I know where the danger lurks now and I'm a warned woman. I'll be smarter the second time around. I look forward to the challenge. 

My therapist found out that I'm a super perfectionist and that made me cry. It was as if she discovered a deep dark secret. Ever since then I've been paying close attention to myself and I notice that I strive for perfectionism in everything I do. It doesn't matter how insignificant the deed is. Every move I make has to be perfect. Every single thing I do has to be perfect. 

Now that I'm aware of that, I can tell myself that they don't have to be, that it isn't necessary. Because I tell myself that, and believe it, I feel a load of stress fall off my shoulders. I purposely am going to do everything imperfectly, just however it turns out. I'm going to allow myself to make errors, if you even want to call them that. I'm not going to strive to be perfect anymore and I'm going to be constantly aware of that and catch myself doing it. 

Vive la vie!

It's very exhausting to have to be perfect all the time. It wears you out emotionally. You have to be a very strong person to carry the load. My therapist says that I'm a strong and courageous person. I have to believe that because she doesn't have to say that. I don't think she says it to make me feel better. I assume they aren't empty words. 

This is something I share with you that I don't share on my other blog. I feel more comfortable saying it here. I have to be more perfect on my other blog. I have to keep up appearances there. It's not that I don't like my other blog. It serves its purpose too. I do have to have a public self. Everybody has to. We all have to function outside in the big world.

Well, it's rime to move on to other things. Be good.

Ciao,

http://irenesieders.typepad.com/irenes-dutch-diva-blog/

For old time's sake...

I'm trying out being back here for a time or two while I have to stress that this is not my main blog anymore. That's the one that's listed in the top right of the sidebar. That's where I do my real serious writing. But I do have to say that I was a little bit homesick for this one, so for old time's sake I'm going to write a post here and maybe I'll do it more often. 

I do have those hours to spare in the middle of the night when I've gotten up out of a sound sleep and I've had my cups of coffee and am about to have my glasses of milk. Since it is now going to be Sunday morning, I can waste these hours all I want and take my time going back to bed.

There is kind of a comfort to be on familiar ground and feel that I don't have to pull a rabbit out of my hat. I don't have to perform any party tricks. I don't mean to imply that I can lie down on the job and write just any sort of nonsense here, but I do feel less pressure to be perfect. Maybe I feel that my audience is more kindly here. I feel that you don't scrutinize me the way I feel scrutinized on my other blog. The fact that I share it on facebook probably has a lot to do with that. I do feel naked to the world. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I think about the coming day, although I have nothing too special planned. Later in the afternoon, my sister and I are going to see the film "The Help." I gave her the book to read for Christmas and she enjoyed it very much. I have yet to read it, but I don't mind seeing the film first. It will be a fun outing because the theater is so nice to go to. It's got a good ambience and a cozy cafe. . 

I will take the dog for many walks because the weather has been good and perfectly nice to go out in. He does so enjoy going for walks and it keeps him from getting cabin fever which was beginning to become a problem. He became a bit bored with things and I realized that he had to go out more. Besides, it's good for me too. We both benefit. Nature isn't that beautiful yet, but things are starting to pop out of the ground and make you hopeful for springtime. We have to be patient just a little while longer.

If you feel so inclined, don't forget to go to Irene's Dutch Diva Blog. 

Ciao,

Irene