Post-short sleep.

I talked to my therapist over the phone yesterday and she really wanted me to come to our appointment at 9 o'clock this morning, because she thought it was important that we talk about things. She said, "Just set you alarm on your mobile phone and it will wake you up." So okay, I looked up the alarm clock function and set it for 7 am, picked a nice tune and everything and that was it.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to go to the bathroom and wasn't done sleeping at all, but when I got back into bed, I started worrying about the alarm going off and if I set it right and if I would hear it, because I was so sleepy that I would not wake up on my own and I would sleep until the late hours of the morning. Finally, I was too concerned to sleep and half awake I got up out of bed and went to the kitchen to make myself a mug of coffee, which I thought would help me chase the sleep from my mind.

Well, it did a little bit, but then I turned on the computer and having your brain put to work always takes care of whatever cobwebs there are left in your head and I properly woke up. I spent my time emailing and after that I took my medicines and got dressed, after careful consideration, and took Tyke for a walk. We went the long way, because we had time, and I figured the fresh air would do me good, because I was starting to cave in a little bit.

I had one more cup of coffee when we got home and then it was time for me to leave. I walked over there and actually felt quite tired and I was just at the point that I was not quite staggering down the sidewalk. On top of that, I had a sore toe from having worn my hiking boots and it made me walk a bit funny. I need to not wear those hiking boots anymore, but give them to the second hand clothing store and buy myself a new pair when my toe heals.

Anuway, I got to my therapist's office almost too late and I ran into her while she was looking for me. Luckily, she saw right away that I needed a cup of coffee and had one for me within half a minute. She's a very good therapist.

Amongst other things, we have made a plan for Friday afternoon, when I have to go see my contact person at the Social Security Offices. I am meeting my therapist at her office and we are going over there together and she is going into the interview with me as a back up and a helper. She will help me get some points across and help me ask questions and answer them also. It was her idea, because I'm always having to do everything by myself, and she wants me to get the experience over and done with, because it has been postponed so many times. The deal is, that afterwards I have to take the bus home by myself, because she wants me to do something that requires some independence and assertive action. I can't argue with that.

Then I walked all the way home, feeling a bit uplifted, but still with a sore toe, and I was planning on taking a nap when I got there. Tyke was beside his usual self when I walked in the door and he had been as good as gold. I think all he does is wait for me to get home while I'm gone and he waits to be naughty until I'm back.

I was having a glass of cold milk and a couple of teaspoons of Nutella, when the intercom rang. It was the Exfactor who had himself walked all the way from the station with a sore knee. He has hurt it in the motorcycle accident he had last year and now it is a knee that keeps bothering him. There's some damage to the cartilage, I think. He had brought two semolina puddings with berry sauce for me. I said, "You have to take those home. I don't eat those anymore." He looked very disappointed, so I accepted them. He's always bringing me fattening foods. I'm sure there is a deeper psychological reason for that. I don't have to eat them, of course.

So we had our regular political and sociological discussion and we talked about the animals, but we always do really well when we discuss politics. We solve a lot of problems and they ought to let us sit in parlement. We would know what to do and I'm sure we would have everything straightened out in no time. If only they made me prime minister for a year or two. I would be a firm ruler. I'd push all my measures through with an iron fist. They'd call me Iron Nora. Ha! If only it were that simple. I'd run a one woman show.

The Exfactor stayed for three cups of coffee, which I thought was very nice of him and which I know comes with his realization that I need the company and the conversation. I'm short on both and I need to do something about that. Wanted: smokers who drink coffee and like to discuss politics and animals. If only these were the times of the brown cafés. Those were the days. Coffee, cigarettes, newspapers, good conversations, long afternoons. I'm living my middle age in the wrong era. I'm ripe for -isms and I don't know where they are.

After the Exfactor left, I took the dog for another walk and we ran into another little dog that was very much interested in a more extended meeting, but his owner didn't have the patience, much to Tykes disappointment. He likes all dogs and is so happy to see one. He wants to run after them and follow them home to play with. He also likes kids a lot and when we pass the school, and it is playtime, he won't leave the fence. He stands there until at least some kids come up to it and pet him through the rails and then I can't get him away from there, except to drag him by his leash. I feel like a real bully then.

I have to do my income taxes for 2009. It's not going to be too complicated and I can do it on line. I just have to fill in some numbers that I have at hand, but I'm putting it off. Anything to do with taxes causes aggrevation, don't you think? I's not like I'm going to get money back. That would be a big surprise. It's just the darn officialness of it, though the tax people try to be as accessable as they can be. They are extremely helpful on the phone and very efficient. I had to pay for 2008, because I was married for part of that year, though not as much as I had feared. Let's hope 2009 goes better. As far as I know, I was poor enough.

I'm having a good day so far, No sorry mood has gotten a hold of me yet. I haven't had my nap yet, but it may still happen. There have been no potholes in the road.

Have a good day. It rained during the night, but it's been dry all day and now I have to see if the laundry is dry.

Ciao,
Nora

Another post to let my words out.

The domestic help was here this afternoon. She was a real nice young woman. Unfortunately, she is not going to be my steady help and I don't know who that is going to be yet. I may have several different people here before that is decided. It's a real shame, because I liked the one I had today and got on well with her. She cleaned my whole kitchen from top to bottom. I dusted the living room really well, including the lamps and the picture frames. She vacuumed and mopped the apartment and I cleaned the bathroom sink and the toilet.

I didn't do a fraction of the work she did, but I was so tired that I spaced out and had to sit by the dining table and recuperate. She was a hard worker and didn't take a break. She left me a daily list of little jobs to do, so that when the domestic help gets here, she can concentrate on the big jobs, such as washing the windows and mopping the floors and cleaning the shower basin and all those fun things. I have to do things such as vacuum once a week and sweep the floors and keep the toilet clean and change my bed, beside the laundry and the dishes and the usual things that come with the household, such as dusting which always needs to get done.

Lord, you should have seen the dust I got off those lamps. It was plain scandalous. I don't know why I never did that before. Or clean the light switch covers. I was lucky in that I didn't suffer any embarrassment. I figured she had seen worse and I was a needy case. It was good to have someone in who said to me, "Now you go and do that." To celebrate, I will clean the utensil drawer tomorrow and throw away obsolete items that are sitting on the kitchen shelves that were cleaned today. Does anyone want a toaster? I really don't have room for it and it is in the way of everything. These European kitchens are so little.

My sister and I went grocery shopping shortly after 8 o'clock this morning and we were done quickly, because it was very uncrowded in the store. That time of the day really is the best time to shop. I bought huge amounts of milk and a big jar of Nutella and good things for the dog and Fish Menu for the cats and I threw away their old bowls and gave them a new ceramic bowl to eat from. They can dine in style.

We also stopped by the tobacconist, without to much complaining from my sister, and I got my supply of tobacco. It is very frowned upon that I smoke and I told my sister that my psychiatrist had said to me to please not stop smoking. It is like medicine to me and I would get into deep doodoo if I tried to quit now. It would be different if I were an alcoholic, I'm sure. I would be incoherent then.

I was walking Tyke this evening and suddenly a wind started to blow hard and very threatening, dark clouds raced across the sky, and I thought, 'Oh boy, it´s really going to rain hard now, I better get home and bring the laundry in,' but then nothing happened at all. It was all a false alarm and not a drop of rain fell out of the sky and this while they had been predicting a light rain all day that had never materialized. They never get it right for our little part of the country. I´m glad because the laundry is still hanging outside and I do want it to get dry there, because they are bed linens and I want to make my bed with them and have it smell good.

I changed my email addresses, because it turned out that the old addresses were still in the Exfactor´s name and I had been warned that one day, when the company went through all the obsolete accounts, they would be removed. So now I have two email addresses under my own name. One incognito and one real one. I´ve also simplified the username and the password with the help of the excellent people at the helpdesk. You just need to talk to the technicians and you are in good hands. Nobody else there knows what they are doing, but these guys do. They are the best.

I now spend half of my life being Nora Ibsen and I´m seriously considering changing my name to it, although they are rather strict in the Netherlands about that. You can´t just up and decide that that´s who you are going to be now. A judge has to rule over it and the queen has to sign the final papers. I can´t change my name until after my daughter has gotten her Dutch passport, which should happen this year and she will have all the rights of a Dutch citizen. She´s so excited about it and so am I. Her son has a German passport, so he is already a European.

Every once in a while I have a tiny little fall in a pothole moment. It lasts just a minute, but for that minute I feel like shit, and then it´s over and I´m fine again. It´s hardly worth mentioning, but an interesting phenomenon. It reminds me that I can´t take anything for granted, although I´ve had a good day.

I do easily get tired, though, and I realize that I have to build up my mental stamina slowly again. Doing physical jobs is not physically so much tiring as it is mentally, because they have a tendency to defeat me. It´s the endless futility of them that bothers me so, although I guess if you really get it cleaned up well, it does stay that way for a while, and if you keep on top of it, it doesn´t get out of hand and become a huge chore for you to tackle. You know, I used to do these things so easily when I was younger and happier.

I´m planning on being happier again, though. It´s definitely a short term goal and I feel it is within easy reach. I just have to have a lot of faith. I hope that by being proactive I can make a change in my life. I have to believe in that process.

I hope you all have a great night.

Ciao,
Nora

In the early morning.

I wemt to bed on time last night, because I was sleepy early, and for a change I am up early also and completely done sleeping. I double checked to make sure, but I really was and felt comfortable enough to get up. I´ve had one cup of coffee, but that´s all the caffeine I need for now and I´m drinking a glass of cold milk now. I think the new medication makes me thirsty, because I´m constantly in need of something cold to drink, and no, it can´t be water. I´ll never forget the insult of my first mother in law when she finally came to our apartment for a visit and said she could only stay for twenty minutes and that all she wanted to drink was a glass of water. Really! By European conventions that is a very bad thing to do.

Well, that´s pulling old cows out of the ditch, as they say, and we won´t do that.

So, I´m wide awake and now it turns out that I can go grocery shopping this morning with my sister after all, so I have to call her at 8 o´clock and let her know. She´ll be pleased to hear it, because we had planned to go at 4 this afternoon when it will be crowded. This also gives me the opportunity to clean the refrigerator before the domestic help gets here this afteroon. I think that´s the least I can do. I don´t want the poor woman to think that her task is hopeless.

I have to make a shopping list of what I have to get, though it´s not that much, at least not a great variety of things. Very much milk and catfood and rawhide sticks for the dog and coffee pads and Nutella! Some other things I´m not thinking of right now, but hopefully will soon.

I´ve lost 2.8 kilos in the past week. That´s good because I had gained 15 kilos this past year or so. It was due to the increase in my antipsychotics. It made me eat more and gain weight. I think they just make you gain weight period. This Welbutrin that I´m on now suppresses your appetite, so you lose weight. That´s better than the Effexor that made me gain weight. My mood stabilizer also makes me lose weight, but that effect had become undone by the effects of the other medicines.

I tried to eat my regular bowl of porridge the other day, but I ate it without the usual good appetite and I haven´t had any since. I have no desire to eat it and that´s saying a lot. I just eat bits and pices of things now and I drink a lot of milk. I´ve even finished the fruit juice and will buy a new container today because I think I need the vitamins even though it makes my ear and head itch where my eczema is.

Oh, I see it´s time to take my medicines. I wasn´t paying attention, so wrapped up was I in writing this post. I also have to get dressed and walk the dog.

Hav a good day, you all. I hope the weather is good for you. It´s supposed to be 7C here and we may have some light rain. Whoopie!

Ciao,
Nora

Evaluation.

I think it is important to remember that what happened to me yesterday was due to withdrawal from my medication. I have very drastically gone from 450 mg to 150 mg a day, which is quite a change, and I was bound to run into trouble. It is going to take my body about 2 weeks to get adjusted to the new dose and then I will have to reduce the rest that I'm taking. In the meantime, the new medication needs about 2 weeks to build up into my body properly until it is at a constant level, so you see that these 2 weeks are going to be difficult for me. I didn't know ahead of time how difficult they were going to be, but yesterday afternoon showed me a glimpse of it.

I went through a long crisis and somewhere towards the end it started to dawn on me that I was having withdrawal symptoms. Once I realized that, I started to deal with it differently and not take everything so very personal and serious. I did take the withdrawal process seriously and knew I had to get through it the best way I knew how. I decided to let myself cry as much as I wanted to. So that's what I did and I cried about everything. After that I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for a couple of hours.

This morning I feel better. I had a long night's sleep and didn't get up until eleven o'clock. It took me a good hour to come to my senses. It felt like I was awakening from a coma. I drank my coffee on the sofa and cuddled Tyke, who likes it when I sit on the sofa, because it gives him the opportunity to show me all his tricks that he thinks of himself. Like, how to jump from the sofa to the coffee table without knocking over the coffee cup that is standing there. Life is a circus here thanks to Tyke and his ingenuity. We rarely have a dull moment.

Having Tyke sleep in the bedroom with me at night is working out well, because he behaves very well and patiently waits for me to wake up. That's why I get to sleep so late in the morning. There's not a sound out of him all night and when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he follows me in and out of the bedroom with few problems. He does get sidetracked by Gandhi, but that is easily solved by calling him to order.

He also lets me know when he needs to go out back for a piddle. He's figured out how to do that on his own. He puts his front paws on my arm and looks at me very intently. That does not mean, I want a cuddle. It means, I have to go now! How I tell the difference I don't know. I think it's mostly guess work.

I realize that with me being comatose until the late hours of the morning, I can't make any appointments until the afternoon and I can't go shopping with my sister in the morning. I just talked to my sister and told her that we can't go shopping at 8 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, so we have to do it in the afternoon after my domestic help has been here.

It also turns out that my other digital alarm clock is broken, so now I'm without an alarm clock, but I'll tell you honestly that I'd hate to be awakened by an alarm clock in the morning before I'm done sleeping. It would be a disaster to not get the sleep I needed and to have to function on not enough. I think it's better if I just wake up on my own and get started at my own speed and save whatever appointments I have to make for the afternoons. I don't want to upset the precariously balanced apple cart.

I hope the episodes like I had yesterday are few and far between. Right now I feel so good, that I can't imagine having another one, but I know I mustn't tempt fate. Things aren't finely tuned right now and everything is unbalanced. I feel that I walk a tight rope and I could fall off at any moment. So, I must enjoy the times that go well and I do, believe me. Every moment that is pleasant is savoured. Nothing is taken for granted.

I have to get dressed now and take Tyke to go and have coffee with my sister. She is home from a week in Italy, so we have some catching up to do. Besides, she has very good coffee.

I hope you are all having a good day.

Ciao,
Nora.

Catching up with myself.

I finally did go to sleep some time in the morning and slept on the sofa under the red blanket in my red bathrobe. I slept for a few hours and then woke up quite refreshed. Much to my relief, Tyke hadn't gotten into any trouble, which he easily could have since all the doors were open and the apartment was his to do with as he liked. He's been showing interest in the books on the bookcase, though, and has been chewing on "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat." As long as he sticks to that one... I do scold him and tell him no, but it's not working completely well yet. I'm not moving all of my books out of the first three bottom rows.

As I write this, I'm getting over a big anxiety attack that I just had because of an appointment that I have to go to on Friday. It is with my contact person at Social Services and it is an appointment that has been canceled several times, the last time by my psychiatrist. I got a letter in the mail yesterday telling me about this new appointment. I thought about having to go all the way over there on my bike and not having the courage to go and dreading having to go and thinking desperately of a way of not having to go, but I see no way out.

I just wrote my therapist an email asking for her help. I'm pretty miserable and wish Social Services would leave me alone and not bother me anymore with their having to check up on me to see what I am doing. I am being a psychiatric patient and doing the best I can to survive and I can't come to their office to tell them so. I wish that would dawn on them. I have such a fear of going there.

I need to pull myself together and not let this spoil my day. There is nothing I can do about it now on this Saturday. I am just having a big irrational fear that is taking me over, although it is based on something very real. Real to me, anyway.

Today my sister is coming back from her week in Italy. We are supposed to do some grocery shopping tonight, but I feel so anxious that I don't know if I can make it and I may ask her to get a few things for me. I hope she doesn't mind. All I can do is ask her.

Oh, I'm not doing well at all. I am crying now and I can't stop. It seems like I have a lake of tears stored up and they all want to come out. I don't know why I am so emotional. I suppose crying is better than sitting here all stressed out and having my nerves go to pieces. I feel so damn lonely and alone sometimes and so scared by what I have to do and my enormous lack of courage to get things done. I am not so very well cut out for this world and how to take care of it and myself. I need someone else beside me to help me see things through.

I am tired of being brave and not feeling well and always doing my best but feeling like shit. I want to feel good and have things go right and not have everything be an uphill struggle and be so damn hard to do.

I'm not going to pretend that everything is always okay anymore. It isn't. The longer I am divorced, the harder it gets. Everybody's life goes on, but my life stagnates and even goes down hill. I'm always being upbeat and cheerful while I shouldn't be, because there's not much to be cheerful about. Just 2 weeks ago I was contemplating ending my life and called my therapist and said so.

Well, I'm sorry this turned into such a different post than I had intended. I just had to let it out for once, you know? I'm not going to act like everything is fine anymore.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed early, since I sleep such long hours now, and I figured that would get me up at a reasonable time in the morning. I didn't have an alarm clock in the bedroom, because both of their batteries had died, so I took the simple one last night and put a battery in it and set it to the proper tine. I set the alarm for 9 o'clock tomorrow morning. Needless to say, it went off in the middle of the night and woke me up and I was unable to go back to sleep, though I tried. That alarm clock is going into the trash tomorrow morning after I take the battery out. I have a better digital alarm clock, but didn't want to mess with it last night, because it is more complicated to set. I wish I had done it now.

So, instead of being sound asleep, I find myself wide awake like I used to be. It's a real darn shame and maybe I should not go to bed so early again at night, but just wait until I'm good and ready to go to sleep. Now I've only slept a couple of hours and that clearly is not enough. I hope I get tired again soon, so that I will be able to go back to bed and sleep those additional hours. I won't cry wolf yet, it's only one night, but if this keeps up longer, I have to let my psychiatrist know.

Well, I'm seeing him in less than 2 weeks, so I guess I could let him know then. He doesn't want me to become hypomanic, so watch for any signs of that, people. If I become very devout and start lighting candles in the chapel, or I start discussing the queen a lot, it is time to ring the bell. If I get religious or royal in any way it is time to ring the bell.

I spent two years of my life with a man who used to call me Duchess. I used to pretend it had less to do with the fact that I was Dutch, but more to do with my superior status in life that was just obvious the minute you laid eyes on me. He used to call his ex-wife Turtle, so I was really lucky. I thought I was God's gift to him, but he did not think so and ended up back with his ex-wife after I married the Exfactor as a pure survival strategy. That's what he wanted all along. He just couldn't do it while I was single and available. Memories, huh? One day I will tell you more about this story.

I'm actually starting to get tired now. I am yawning and that is a good sign. Tyke has been asleep by my feet all this time. He's not going to be ready to sleep more when I go back to bed. He'll have to come, though, whether he likes it or not. I can't leave him here in the living room. There are too many potential things to get into and tear apart. He's still a puppy, after all, and I don't trust him yet. Two more months of this and then the worst should be over.

Well, I suppose I will try to go to bed now. I may read for a little while, maybe that will help. I have a theory about this, but I will get into that tomorrow. Remind me to do that.

I hope you're all sleeping tight.

Ciao,
Nora