It's no shouting match yet...

I am very glad that tonight is not the night that I can not eat or drink anything after midnight, although I do keep thinking that this is. It must be on my mind very much and I have to say that I dread the whole thing and am already fretting about how to best deal with it. I suppose I should not worry about it too much ahead of time, but I do want to be prepared as much as possible. I want to take advantage of every hour that I can eat and drink something and be asleep when I can not, but it will probably not work out that smoothly.

 

I am dreading this more than the actual procedure itself because I understand that I am not going to remember much of that, nor be aware of it, because of the anesthesia. That is fine and dandy with me because the only thing I am worried about is the outcome. At the same time, I feel that I ought to totally relax because I have no control over it and there is nothing I can do but roll with the punches. That really does feel like the better option and I think that is the attitude I must adopt. Of course, that does not mean that I am a willing victim being led to the slaughter.

 

I must not worry so much and now is the time to talk myself out of it. Worrying is not going to change anything, nor the outcome, and it will only waste precious time that I could use instead enjoying myself. This is not a 'stiff upper lip' attitude which the Dutch are also good at because that is being in total denial. My grandmother was a perfect example of this and I will not be like her. She was completely out of touch with her feelings. Great Dutch Reformed Christian that she was.

 

I do have to add that, in spite of her stand offish attitude toward her children and grandchildren, I did love my grandmother and could see her finer points. When I was alone with her, which I regularly tried to be, she was a very friendly woman who loved to talk about the past and told me stories about her early courtship with my grandfather who died when he was in his thirties. This left her with three young daughters to raise and a small widow's pension and the pressure of society to marry again, which she duly did.

 

I may be more like her than I admit to and that would not necessarily be such a bad thing because she was a tough woman and a survivor, but always a lady. I get my high opinion of myself from her. She felt the same way about herself and I am grateful for that.  High self esteem is a good thing to have.

 

Right, that was a bit of a sojourn but was it not interesting?

 

I must go back to sleep now.