Contemplation.

I am actually very undecided if I want to do any contemplating at all, because, to tell you the truth, I think it is a risky thing to do. I do not know if I should delve too deeply into my thoughts and accompanying emotions and hold them up to the light for closer examination. That may all be good and well when you do so casually while walking the dog and idly letting them pass the revue, but it may not be such a good idea when you sit down and make a serious attempt at them.

 

I think that feeling all of my emotions more, and being more aware of them, is a direct result of lowering the antipsychotics and I do have to keep that in mind so I do not draw all sorts of conclusions about myself and my inner life that may turn out not to be correct. I do not know if this effect is permanent or just a temporary condition. Time will have to tell and I will have to be patient and wait it out.

 

In the meantime, I will have to deal with my feelings and thoughts and examine them to some degree, because they are, to a point, very interesting and make me think of subjects that I thought I had dealt with a long time ago and did not spend much time thinking about anymore. It is a fascinating thing to see how I deal with them now that I am confronted with them, because instead of ignoring them, or pushing them away, I face them and try to give some shape and form to them and react to them in the most honest way I can, even if that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

The fact is that I have to deal with a reality and undergo its process until I get to a satisfactory end that I can live with, and that is not always done very easily. It sometimes takes four or five tries before I am done with it and have it solved, and in the meantime I go through all the discomfort of having to relive it. Owning up to my own share of whatever I am trying to resolve is probably the most important thing I can do and then, after that, forgiving myself for it is.

 

I do not know if this is a better reality than I was in before, but it is a different one anyway. Maybe I should not speak in terms of 'worse' or 'better.' It is a state of mind I have to try out and of which I have to see if I can manage it. Not everybody gets that opportunity.