The impossible...

I have put my coat on twice to get on my bicycle to go to the store and both times I have taken it off and hung it back on the coat rack, because the courage to go escaped me. Every once in a while I call my sister to see if she's home, because I know she was planning on going grocery shopping after she came back from Italy. She's not home yet and she may get in quite late and I don't think I should count on her, because she may stop by the store on her way home. Feeling quite desperate, I called the Exfactor and told him my problem, and he promised to go to the store for me tomorrow, because I realized that tomorrow is the first Sunday of the month and all the stores are open. This has caused me to relax quite a bit and I no longer sit here like someone who feels like her heart is being squeezed out of her chest.

It is pretty awful, though, that this fear has me in its grip so very much and that I can't do a thing about it, even though I think I know the origin of it. I feel that every time I even contemplate going to the store, there is a little kid in me screaming not to do it and the little kid wins. It's almost like a phobia and asking me to go to the top floor of a very tall building and to look over the edge. I'm incapable of doing that also. I would become immobilized by fear. At least knowing that the grocery store is open tomorrow settles me down some, because I know that one way or another I will get my groceries.

I haven't taken any extra medication, because I don't have that much to go around and I want to save it for when I really have to go by myself and there is no other way out. I wish I could walk to the store and get what I need, somehow that would be less bad, I think, because I feel like a moving target on my bike, but I can't carry that many things back with me and the milk is heavy.

Alright now, it is time for me to calm down and take a deep breath and relax. Basically the problem is solved until the next time, and then I will find a solution again.

I think I'll go wash the dishes now. I've been too nervous to do them and now would be the right time. It would give me something useful to do and feel good about. I also need to eat. I mustn't forget that.

It's always something, isn't it?

Ciao,
Nora

When you want to...

I ended up making three prototype drawings for paintings that I wanted to make and took them all to creative therapy this morning and had the therapist pick out the one she thought I should make first. She picked out the giraffe in the jungle by moonlight, which was kind of my favorite too, so that's the one I started to work on. I had a lot of fun painting the sky and the grass and getting a lot of paint on myself, which I subsequently had to rub off with a scrub sponge and warm soapy water. I do make a mess of myself. That's how much I enjoy the process.

Of course, we had to take a coffee break, which I undergo reluctantly, and I dutifully drink my espresso and smoke my two cigarettes and socialize until it is time to get back to work. The morning goes by too quickly and I would like it to last twice as long and get much more work done, because I don't feel the least bit bored yet when it is time to go. I could easily put in another two hours. But maybe that would be too much effort and that might not be good for us in the long run. I suppose we have to quit while it is still fun and not when we're exhausted. Isn't that the way it goes with all things that you enjoy? At least I have something to look forward to on Friday.

I got home to a very happy Jesker, who is very much his old self again, but who had to wait for me to walk him while I sat down and drank a tall glass of fruit juice. I needed that for quick energy after having eaten three good cookies in the morning. He very loyally laid down by my feet, looking up at me all the while to see when I would be finished and ready to go.

After I walked him, it was time to go see my psychiatrist at the same place where my SPN has her office and that is only a ten minute bike ride away from here. It is just far enough to bother me, but the end destination is good and safe, and that makes up for the inconvenience of having to go there. The offices are before you get to downtown, so I miss the worst of the traffic, though I do have to cross a very busy intersection that always causes me anxiety, but I rode my bike very slowly and tried not to get nervous about the whole process.

I told my psychiatrist about my agoraphobia and instead of giving me a solution to it (ha, ha, as if he has a magic wand) he said it is good to have coping strategies for as long as it lasts and to ponder over the problem carefully and slowly and to not try to come up with an answer to the reason for the problem overnight. That these things take time to think about and come to a solution to and that an answer to them may not always be found. The most important thing is to develop coping mechanisms so that you can adjust your life to take this particular problem into account. When he said that, a big sigh of relief escaped from my body, because I had felt a lot of pressure to solve the problem, when I reality I had already been working on the coping strategies. I feel like I'm not doomed now and that, within my limits, I can still function as normally as possible. I will just consider this a big time out from a lot of things and in the meantime give thought to why it is so difficult to do them with the help of my SPN, without feeling the pressure to solve the problem overnight.

He agreed to my increase in the tranquilizers, as long as I don't numb my feelings to the point that I don't have to pay attention to them anymore, which would excuse me from trying to do anything about them. I assured him that I was not to that point.

On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy to get my thyroid medicine, which was easy, because I didn't have to make a detour and for this month I have all my medication. It's always quite a job to get it all taken care of and to have enough of everything at home, because some are given for a month and some are given for three months and there's always a kink in the cable somewhere because of miscommunication.

When I got home, I ate some lunch and sat down on the sofa, but sitting down became lying down and I slept for two and a half hours, even though I had slept well the night before. It's all part of the pattern and normally I would be depressed at this time of the year, except that now I'm not because of my medication, but I still show some depression like symptoms.

I don't have my household under control right now, but I'm not very concerned about it and I know that a few hours of work will set it right. I just have to put in those few hours, but have not found the motivation or energy to do it. So I just sort of muddle through. I do the dishes and the laundry and I tidy up, but the real cleaning drops by the wayside. The one thing I don't want is those people over the floor again that have me make a schedule and don't help me with the work. What a waste of time and manpower that was.

Tomorrow is my day off and I hope to be able to sleep in. Jesker will allow it, because he sleeps as late as I do.

That was my day and it is almost over. I feel alright, because I'm safe at home and it is evening and nothing can happen now. I have to close the blinds and put on my pajamas. It will be nice to sit here a while longer until I get tired again.

Have a good night,

Nora.

Feel Free.

Please feel free to scroll down this page and read the posts before this one, because this is just an extra post born out of my desire to fill an empty hour before I have to officially get the day started.

I've been up for a while and at one point contemplated going back to bed, but then got sidetracked adding banners to my blog and making sure I had the right colors and then even changing the header image again, because I can never decide which I find the most awe inspiring, so now it is this one for a while. The looming storm was great and may make its return, but I do love this composition very much. It makes me think of Ireland for some reason, although it could be anywhere.

I always want to play with my blog and wish there were more things I could do with it. I haven't added music, but that is basically because I know you all like your peace and quiet while you read and my taste in music does not involve a lot of peace and quiet, although I do love a soft sexy saxophone or a languidly played piano.

I also don't want to clutter up the thing too much, it has to stay esthetically pleasing. Like my friend Laura always says, less is more, and she took many art classes, so I'll take her word for it.

I've not had the heater on overnight, but it isn't too cold in here. I think closing the little windows did the job. I like to keep them open for as long as possible to keep the place aired. Now all that is open is the window in the work room and I can't close that because of the dampness, but the door to that room is closed, still it helps.

Last night the Überhund was limping and when I tried to look at his paw, he sort of yelped and then growled at me for trying to examine it. This morning he is fine, but I know he has been licking it and gnawing at it all night, so maybe there was something in it, like a splinter or something. I hope he stays okay, because he has seen the vet enough times lately and it is costing the Exfactor a lot of money. Poor dog and he can't talk and tell me what's wrong.

I am looking forward to today, as this will be my long day away from home and I won't be back until 3 PM. The Überhund has to last until that time before I can walk him. I think he will be alright, he has a strong bladder and it is no disaster if he has an accident in the home as I have no carpeting. I think that sounds like the title of a book, "Accidents in the Home." Written by Anne Tyler or somebody like that.

For some strange reason, in all the darkness and ugly weather, there is a bird chirping very loudly. I wonder what he is up to? It isn't mating season, but maybe he has been spotted by a cat and it is a warning signal. Or maybe he is just letting the other birds know that it's time to wake up and get the first worm, because there must be many of them now with all the rain. My sister has a terrible phobia for worms, which is hard when you like gardening.

I have a phobia for small enclosed spaces and I also don't like to go into mazes for fear of not being able to find my way out. Slight panic hits me when I can't find the exit. I can go into an elevator, but I don't really like to be in a room with the door closed and all the rooms in the apartment have the doors open, except for the work room, which I don't go into. The bathroom door is also always open. It's a Californian habit that suits me well. I never close it and am always accompanied by an animal or two. I keep it open when I shower especially, because I would hate to be disconnected from the rest of the apartment then.

Strange habits people have, huh? I always bring three sandwich baggies when I let out the Überhund and I have three regular poop baggies tied to the handle of the leash. I always have to have that amount. if I don't, I feel that I am unprepared. Overcautious is my name.

I went through a period in my life when I counted everything. Whenever I was someplace and I was not distracted, I counted things in singles , in pairs, in sets of fives and tens, etc. I always hoped that I would find even numbers or even sets.

I also went through a time when I double checked everything and triple checked it and quadruple checked it and so on. That was obsessive compulsive behavior, but for some reason I outgrew it. Something in my psychological make up changed or in my environment and I didn't have to do it anymore. I used to close my daughter's bedroom window more than twenty times at night before I was sure it was closed properly. Even then I doubted myself.

It's really sad when you hear the rain splattering on the pavement outside and you know you have to go out in it. I think I have to do a reverse rain dance. That is the one regrettable thing about not having a car. You are exposed to the lesser elements such as rain and wind and you hope for many large trees along the road to shelter you somewhat, because that really does help.

Well, that's it for now. I have to get dressed and made up and coiffed. I hope the awful weather doesn't undo all my careful work and leave my mascara on my cheekbones. That always gives you that ghoulish look.

Have a good day, everyone.

Ciao...