A little more enthusiasm than that, please.

Having gotten through a not so easy weekend, when half of the time I thought my medication was not working, I wrote my psychiatrist an email early this morning and explained the situation to him and asked for help. I always assume that he is more knowledgeable than I am and that whatever suggestions I make will be considered, but that he will come up with better ones. He called me a while ago with a good plan of reducing one medication and increasing another as necessary and that sounded sensible to me. We also had a bit of a therapeutic chat and he is going to call me tomorrow and urges me to send him whatever cohesive thoughts come up in me by email. I must say that I am very fortunate to have the psychiatrist that I do. I always have faith because of him that everything will turn out okay.

 

I feel hypomanic a lot, although it is interrupted by short periods of relative calm. The reason why this is happening so much lately, is what my psychiatrist is trying to uncover and he wants me to analyze my life and things that are happening in it to find the possible cause. It could also be that I am taking too much of my anti-depressive medication and that one is being reduced, but that does not mean, of course, that my life does not have to be looked at really well. One thing does not exclude the other. There is always an interaction between the two.

 

It s very possible that the fact that my daughter has broken off contact with me, is bothering me more than I am aware of. I understand her action and her reason for doing so, and don't even disagree with her, because I think I would have done the same thing if I had been in her shoes. But maybe I am terribly hurt and I am not allowing myself to feel this, although what I really feel is relief at the end of a terrible episode. There was an awful lot of madness going on at the time and I want to leave that behind me and become healthy. I can only do that on my own and with the help of a few selected people.

 

I do not despair, but don't ask me why not. I guess hypomania is good for something in that you always feel optimistic even when maybe you ought not to. But why not see the sunny side of everything. Does it make any difference if I do not?