It's hardly surprising...

I made the coffee not so very strong, necessitating me to drink more of it to get the equal effect. I actually like the taste of it better this way, although I always claim to like a strong cup of coffee. I guess it really isn't so and I'll have to remember that the next time I make a pot of coffee. I do always have to learn my lesson the hard way. I hope I can always manage to put less ground coffee in the filter.

I will enjoy my cup of coffee better and it will not be such an onslaught to my stomach which is protesting less. I'm sure a cup of strong and bitter coffee is not what it wants. But I am like a donkey who kicks the same stone twice and it will be a learning process that I will stubbornly go through until I get it right. Remind me not to brag about the punch the coffee carries and what a kick it gives me. It will be because I'm on the wrong track. 

I also have to remember not to dawdle and put my bathrobe on right away instead of sitting here in my pajamas getting cold. It's like that doesn't register immediately and I wonder why I am so uncomfortable. Once I do put my bathrobe on, I'm immediately aware of the difference and I chastise myself for not having had the sense to do it right away. It makes me wonder how well I really function when I first get up in the middle of the night. 

I think I'm not as logical as I could be and have to wait for it to slowly catch up with me as the coffee starts working. I'm only a ghost of the potential me when I first get up, although I'm never in a bad mood. I'm just a bit slow witted and function below par. I really shouldn't make any big decisions in the first twenty minutes, although I'm happy to say that none are expected of me. 

I'm fine now and warmly enveloped in my bathrobe. I have socks on my feet and couldn't be more comfortable. My brain is functioning and I couldn't think straighter. I could do any sort of task now. It's a pleasure to be up knowing that I will go back to bed again shortly and finish sleeping. It's the simple things in life that make it worth living and sleeping well is one of them. I always do that best early in the morning.

Getting up the second time is a little bit harder. My body and mind do protest a bit more. It takes me a while longer to get my act together. I give myself an hour to sit in my armchair and become a semblance of a human being. I'm actually one before that time, but I like to start out slowly and to gather up my bravery to face the day. That is always a bit harder than facing the silence and darkness of the night. Looking presentable and walking the dog are big chores in the morning. They are not to be taken on lightly. 

The dog is snoring on the sofa, but he will follow me back to bed. The cat is already there waiting for us. 

Today will be lovely weather and that's something to look forward to. The sun will be shining all day.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

What's it going to be today?

I just heated up a cup of coffee for myself. It is coffee left over from this morning, so it's not the best cup in town, but it will have to do unless I want to make a new pot and I'm not sure about that yet. I don't know how awake and alert I want to be at this time of day. It may be that this one cup is enough to have me function the way I should. I will have to wait and see what happens.

I took a long nap on the sofa this afternoon. After I came home from seeing my SPN, I was quite done in. I sat in my armchair for a while and tried to recuperate. I had dealt with so many memories and so many emotions. I knew I also needed to get a rational point of view on all of it, but I was too wiped out to do it. I walked Tyke and then decided to lie down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket.

Now that I'm awake again, and can think about things with some distance between them and me, I can let go of all of the emotions and rationally approach the subject. I can see that there have been huge flaws in my thinking all along and that these have been masked by my overwhelming emotions and that the story would not have gone how I imagined it, no matter how good the circumstances. 

The fairytale that I had tried to pull off was bound to fail, only I had my head in the sand and refused to see the truth and to this day believed that if only a certain event had not happened, I would have lived happily ever after. I now see how delusional that was and how impossible of me to think it. I really believed that if I ignored all the bad and concentrated only on the good, we all would ride off into the sunset and have a happily ever after life.

It's about time that I look at this in a rational way. That I start to doubt and pick apart all the feelings and assumptions I have had about this period in my life. The explanation and emotional reasoning I had in place was just as much a fallacy as the fairytale I was trying to live back then. My explanation doesn't hold up under careful questioning. My reasoning is completely flawed. It's time to cut out the nonsense and to get down to reality. To look at things they really were and not the way I imagined they were. Or wanted them to be.

I'm getting rid of a lot of old sadness about this, very deep grief, as a matter of fact. The kind of grief that makes you crazy and leaves wounds. I finally have the opportunity to heal them and to look at my own role in all of it. Why I reacted the way I did and why I handled things the way I did. That's much more realistic than believing in the story of wrong assumptions and explanations  I've been walking around with.

I'm getting this straight in my head as I'm typing this, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about it. The subject doesn't leave my head, but it is with a certain amount of clarity and relief that I think of it. I know I'm not done with it yet. There will be more sessions spent on it, but they all will be fruitful. I will not waste my time regretting things that are over and done with. I've spent enough time doing that already. 19 Years as a matter of fact. 

I've got to walk Tyke. It's time for our evening stroll. I will be lost in thought. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora