A tale of awareness...

There's an awful lot of temptation in just repeating myself and telling you the same story I told you yesterday, but that would be awfully boring. It would make my job easier, because I would not have to put so much effort into writing this post. It would practically write itself. 

Instead I have to take care and really do my best to put down something interesting. I can't lie down on the job. If I'm going to sit here and spend my time putting down words, they may as well be good ones and carry some weight. Otherwise I may as well shut off the computer and hang up my blogs in the willows.

That doesn't mean I actually have something of interest to say. That's another matter all together.  I always hope I do because the need to write is big. There's nothing I like better than sitting here behind the keyboard and coming up with stuff to write about. I have an enormous ego that needs to be fed and blogging is one way it's done. 

Forget about sharing my most inner self and the need to unload my secrets. Mostly I want a way to display myself and what better way to do it than to try and get other people to read my words. Probably that's reflective of some sort of insecurity in myself, don't you think? 

Regardless, whatever my true reason, I do like to sit here and come up with some nonsense and I must say that there's enough of it out there too, but I read it all with the most attention that I can. I really care about it. I care about the people who write it too. We're all basically decent human beings who do our best. 

No, it's not all nonsense that's out there. You really learn a lot from reading other people's blogs. You learn a lot about human nature and at the very least how not to behave. You can always say to yourself, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." If you open up your eyes well enough, you see your own follies too. 

The sooner you learn about human nature, the better. It's preferable not to fool yourself about it. If you're like me, you've learned to ignore a lot of it, but that's not a good idea. Never stop questioning it. It's for your own good if you don't. 

I have to walk the dog and eat dinner. It's that time of the evening again. The day has gone by quickly, but then again, I was surrounded by people. I didn't really enjoy their company and couldn't wait for them to be gone. Today I prefer my own company and the dog's and the cat's. Sometimes it is better that way.

I hope you'll all have a good evening. It's overcast and cold here. Brrr...

Ciao,

Nora

Sleep and no!

I slept for most of what was left yesterday afternoon and then the evening. Then I slept all through the night. Sleep is a great healer and allows you not to worry, because you are not aware of your thoughts and your anxieties. That Temazepam I took in the afternoon really helped me. I also took an extra Temazapam before I went to bed at night.

I feel that I need to write something incredibly upbeat now to offset the sad piece I wrote this yesterday, but I don't know if I can do it.

Let me explain something, though. The only reason that I am considering going to those activating classes is so that Social Services will leave me alone and not start making all sorts of demands on me because suddenly my time is not taken up anymore with therapy. I'm not going because I want to go there, because I haven't heard good things about it. I'm going because I feel that I have no other choice. From the people who go to these classes, I've yet to hear a good word about them. What I hear is negative. Which makes me all the more reluctant to go.

My instincts tell me it's a bad choice to go to these classes. That they are not for me and that I should be doing something else. The clinic where my SPN and psychiatrist work has set up its own therapy program. I think that is where I belong and that is where I want to go. It starts up in January and I will ask my SPN about it today.

I think I have to listen to my gut feelings about this and not ignore the strong feelings of distaste I have about those activating classes. If I have the feeling that I'm not going to be in a safe place there, then I should listen to that feeling and not ignore it.

That's what it all comes down to, plain old instincts. That's what I'm fighting. Now that I know this, I feel better and I know what my decision is and that is that I will not go to those activating classes. I will cancel my enrollment in them tomorrow. There...

...that decision has been made and it will take a bunch of elephants to pull me across the line again. I will go to my other classes as long as they last and I will finish all the projects I am working on, but I will not start up those other classes.

Now I can think of something else, namely that I'm sitting here freezing my buns off, so I have to rectify that situation at once by putting on my bathrobe and slippers. I had quite forgotten to do that...and it makes a heck of a lot of difference.

Oh, I think my dog wants to go out, so I guess I had better get dressed and take him. No rest for the wicked. He did just eat his breakfast.

This will be a short post then. Have a great day, I will try to do the same and report back to you after I see my SPN.

Ciao,
Nora

Here we are...

Sunday.

Sabbath.

The day the Higher Being created for people like me who like a day off to do absolutely nothing but worship him/her. But wait a minute! Didn't you have that day off yesterday? And since when do you worship the Higher Being?

Yes, I know there is rhyme nor reason in my argument, but just go along with me for the heck of it anyway.

Since we have to embrace so many religions, we need the whole weekend to pay our proper respects to them, one day just won't do. One day is more holy to some people than the other day. We can't make them change days, so we make both days opportunities to be worshiping kind of days. That makes sense, doesn't it? The fact that I, a pagan, take the opportunity to be lazy on both days, is merely an incidental circumstance.

Speaking of paganism, even a pagan believes in something, or multiple somethings. Lately, the idea has been growing with me that maybe there is a Higher Power running interference with my life, because I can't figure out why it is turning out so well, instead of so badly and why I am growing stronger, instead of weaker. And why bad beginnings turn out to have good endings, and why, when I think I am about to suffer, I am not.

Then I look back over the past couple of years and see the bad, the good and the indifferent and realize that the bad that I thought was evil, was merely a painful way to get to the good and would have been easier if I had not fought as hard. And I see that many of the things I wished for were resolved, not in the way I wanted to always, but in a new and better way and one I could not have predicted and ever so much better than I could have thought of on my own.

It makes me think that something bigger and wiser than me is pulling some strings now and then and that I need to pay more attention to this Being and that I need to put more faith in it. I am not quite done thinking about it and I haven't quite formulated the shape and the form in my head yet, but maybe that is impossible anyway, but is is not the regular picture of the Christian God. It is something else.

It is made of light and energy and it is humongous, larger than the universe. We are small, yet incredibly important beside it. We are a necessary part of it. It can not live without us and we can not live without it. We are equally important to each other's existence. It is a symbiotic relationship. The closest you would come to see it, would be if you could see a thousand galaxies with a million suns.

Well, all that because it is Sunday today and that allows me to formulate my thoughts. Sometimes it is good to listen to your inner voice. Rather, I suppose it is good to listen often. I just get sidetracked by other things and don't always pay attention when I should.

We have enormous amounts of wisdom inside ourselves that we can tap into if we have the courage to be alone and silent and keep our minds open. Don't go running around like a chicken with it's head cut off when you are alone and faced with an unusual thought that you think is scary. Stay calm and have a good look at it all on your own, without any input from outside. You'd be amazed at how much you know about yourself.

I must learn from my own lessons and usually I do. I do have the tendency to incorporate the things I hear and see and dream about into a coherent thought and make it part of my mind's inventory. I get better at that when I am alone and I am not distracted by other people's discombobulated points of view. That goes to show you that I have a lot of faith in myself. I do listen to other people, but only I can decide if I want to accept what I hear or not. It has to fit my version of the way I look at life. There has to be a lot of logic in it and very little emotion, otherwise I won't accept it and be very weary.

I suppose your inner voice and your Higher Being are very much connected. There must be a gossamer thread between them that is invisible to the naked eye, but it must be very strong and flexible. Like an umbilical cord almost, but infinitely finer. I add this as an after thought I had while I made myself another mug of coffee. There is always opportunity for a generous figure of speech.

Now I must end this one sided conversation. The Überhund is waiting patiently and I must get dressed.

I hope you all have a terrific Sunday.

Ciao...