The need for resolution

I am afraid that I am in danger of becoming depressed and I am doing whatever I can to prevent this. Already more than half of the time, I think I am and I spend that time struggling with my not so happy feelings. I have to tell you that they literally hurt as if they are a physical phenomena, and they are very unwelcome indeed. I do not know which pill to take for them and I am sure that paracetamol is not going to help one bit.

 

Sometimes, the only thing I know to do is drink cups of coffee and often the caffeine does help put me in a better mood, but it is only a temporary measure. There is only so much coffee you can drink after all, no matter how much you like it, and it does make me more thirsty than I already have a tendency to be because of the medicines I take. Sooner or later I have to start drinking tall glasses of ice cold lemonade, although I think they have some healing powers too.

 

I had a good talk over the phone with my therapist yesterday and we tried to find the source of some of my feelings. The thing is that I am probably being challenged on the course for bipolar people and that this is upsetting me to some point. I have also stopped being the Good Samaritan that other people can call and tell their story to, and I am probably having some feelings of guilt about that. It is not easy to be tough and not play that role anymore.

 

There are other issues from my past that I have not dealt with yet that I am going to have to give their place and maybe the time has come to do that. One of those is the role my mother played in my life and her subsequent death. In my own convoluted way I have dealt with that, but I know I have given it only a temporary solution and that I need to permanently resolve it. Up to now, I have been pulling the wool over my own eyes.

 

This afternoon, I have another session of that course for bipolar people, but I think I will be better prepared than I was last week. I didn't know what to expect then and came out somewhat wounded. Well, not even somewhat, let's say a lot. More wounds got opened than I had anticipated or even expected at all. The Exfactor is also going to be there this time and that ought to help a bit. I won't be facing the music on my own.

 

I did not expect to become depressed and am surprised at the intensity of my feelings. I can only assume that a lot must lie behind them and that this all must be resolved. Depression weighs a lot and hurts. It does wear me out.