Facing sadness.

We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

As I sit here in the middle of the night with my usual cup of coffee, I do not want to say that I feel depressed, but I do feel an infinite amount of sadness.That is because I am now in mourning finally about Marianne's death, of course, but I think I am sad about some other things as well that I have been bravely, I thought, not facing up to. It is time to deal with all of them, because when you are infinitely sad about something big, you may as well tackle all the other issues also.

I can tell that my attitude has changed because when I am on Facebook, I do not get one bit excited about the optimistic and inspirational messages that are posted there. Now, as a rule I think they are overly sentimental, but now even the best ones do not really move me. I do not feel that I want to be optimistic and inspired at all right now. It is time for introspection, but of a very personal nature that can not be expressed by a cheerful statement on Facebook. 

This sadness that I feel is not a pleasant feeling, but I do feel that it is appropriate. I do not want to end it by raising up all sorts of barriers and pretending that there is nothing wrong and feel happy again. There really is a time and place for everything and now is the time to feel grief. I used to be afraid to feel sadness because I equated it with depression, but now I know that these things are two different modes of existence. 

I will take good care of myself and not allow myself to slide down some deep, dark hole that I can not climb out of. I expect positive things to come out of this process. It has to be a learning experience and one that will make me wiser. You do get wiser from feeling pain also. 

Mourning.

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.

Rabindranath Tagore

It is now, five months after the fact, that I can finally mourn about the death of my sister Marianne. It is as I I have all this time been living in a rat race, seizing the day and  acting as if there were no tomorrow.  Being endlessly optimistic and cheerful and trying to ban any negative thoughts from my mind. And now I realize how very sad I am about her death and how very much I miss her and I am left with so many unspoken words. 

I talked to my therapist about this today and had a good cry, which surprised even me. My therapist had contacted me and asked me if she could be of any help at this point in my life and I thought, yes, she could be, and I made an appointment. I thought I had all sorts of different things on my mind, but right from the start, it was the loss of Marianne that was the most important issue. It was the avoidance of the pain that had driven me all these months. 

All my unspoken words that I did not get to say to my sister will have to be given expression some way and I have two weeks to think about how I want to do that. That is when I see my therapist again. It is going to be a difficult task to do this because it will require me to dig deep inside and express my most sincere feelings. I feel I have to do it as a closing ritual and an acknowledgement to the special bond we had growing up together. 

My therapist also thought it was a ridiculous idea of Social Services to expect me to do volunteer work in order to keep my monthly income. She is going to take care that this pressure is going to be taken off my shoulders. I had just been accepted for the job as volunteer for the service desk at the library, which is something that used to be a regular paid job, but for which they now only hire volunteers. She says that my situation is much too unstable and fragile for that kind of pressure. 

You learn something new every day.

Starring myself.

I'm the nicest goddamn dame that ever lived.

Bette Davis

This morning the sun was shining brightly in the clearest, bluest sky and when I walked Tyke, everywhere there was the sound of melting, dripping snow. The streets are as good as clean and most of the sidewalks are also, except the ones that are mostly still in the shade. 

I saw snowdrops that were about to burst open where the snow had completely melted in someone's front garden and that thrilled me to pieces. I felt like I had made a big discovery and later this afternoon I will have to look for more of them,  because more snow will have melted. I also have to see what happened to those sprigs of daffodils and crocuses I saw emerging from the ground before the snow fell.  I am pretty optimistic and sure that they will have survived. 

The big snowmen that had been built everywhere have been vandalized and broken into pieces, which is sad to see. It must have taken quite some effort to do this as they were built very solidly. One single small one survives with a hat on and a scarf and a carrot nose with a pipe in his mouth. Tyke has his daily confrontations with it and always approaches it very carefully. He feels very brave when he has yet again managed to circle and face it and, of course, I praise him into heaven. 

He is telling me now that it is time to go out for a walk and he is very insistent, so I can not ignore him. He probably has an urgent matter to take care of. I am just at this moment having a bit of an afternoon dip so it will be just the thing for me to go out in the fresh air.  I should return as a rejuvenated woman. 

Rejuvenation.

Darling, the legs aren't so beautiful, I just know what to do with them.

Marlene Dietrich

Boy, I sure needed that pretty strong cup of coffee that I just had. To celebrate the fact that I have regained my happiness because of it, I am having a second one, although I think it is completely unnecessary, but I would rather be safe than sorry. 

I was experiencing a minor dip when I said goodbye to the domestic help, who completely reorganized my bathroom for which I am very grateful. Of course, she came with a whole new look on the situation and a willingness to tackle it, because she wants to set my whole life back on the rails. At least on the domestic front, because no matter how organized I think I am, she feels it can be done better. 

I do not think that this knowledge was the cause of my minor dip. I had not had any caffeine for a long while and I was obviously going through withdrawal. The domestic help and I drank tea during her break and, although it is a tasty beverage, it is not as uplifting to my spirit as coffee is. Let's face it, whatever caffeine is in it does not do a thing for me. If I went to a cake and tea shop, I would order coffee. 

Now that I have this very neatly organized bathroom, I feel that I am getting closer to my ultimate goal, and that is having this apartment ready for the move up north, whenever that may be. This domestic help does open my eyes to the fact that there are other things I can do that will bring me closer to that state of existence. She infects me with her drive and enthusiasm to tackle things. She must be a special gift sent especially to me at this time of my life. 

Timing is everything in life and sometimes you have to let the hand of fate determine that. If you try to force things, you end up getting an ulcer. 

Getting a grip.

The story of a love is not important-what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.

Helen Hayes

As is usual on the night before Monday, I am having a hard time sleeping and I think that is always because I am in slight nervous anticipation of the day. I am so relaxed in the weekends, and so much the mistress of my own time and space, that I hate to give up that power and share it with anyone else. 

In the morning my personal helper will be here and, although she is the nicest of women, I always feel that I have to mentally prepare for her presence as if I am facing an exam and I have to pass it with flying colors. Of course, that is total foolishness and I am really not under any kind of pressure to live up to any kind of standard at all and whatever pressure I feel is totally self imposed. 

We do discuss the kinds of things I have been up to in the week previous and I can, of course, tell her as much as I please, but I do want to stay honest up to some point. I usually give an abbreviated version of what life has been like, and what I did about it, and leave out the messier details. I figure that I am quite capable of taking care of the loose ends myself.  

But I do have to say, that when I run into a problem, she does come up with good ideas. I then sit and think about them and develop my own course of action on how to use them to my advantage and deal with them in the best possible ways. I do not mindlessly follow every suggestion she makes. I do want to feel some form of independence. 

Right after she leaves, my domestic help shows up and she is the most dedicated domestic help I have ever had. There is not a single detail having to do with anything in my household that escapes her attention. As she sees it, I am quite incapable of doing anything and she is there to take care of all of it. I have to be very assertive and assure her constantly that I am capable of independent action and can change the bed even when she is not there and hang up the laundry too. 

I am glad most of the time that she is such a stickler for detail, because the apartment gets cleaned properly and that is a job that the other domestic helps did not do well. They mostly gave it a lick and a promise, it turns out. I do have to especially stay on my toes now and not neglect to keep it looking good for the rest of the week and always prepare the place before she comes over. I always keep her sternness in mind with whatever I do and follow through on whatever tips and hints she gives me. 

I will go to sleep now and and catch up on a few more hours of it before the day officially starts. I will not do well on the few hours of sleep that I have had so far. I will seize the day when the sun comes up. 

Catchy title.

We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.

Katharine Hepburn

Although it is almost time to take Tyke for his walk, I will take a little time and try to think of something sensible to write about today. I have been out with Tyke several times already, and that has been lots of fun, because Mother Nature has dumped a load of snow on us and it is still snowing as I write this. Tyke thinks it is all just wonderful and plows though it as if he is a bulldozer.This causes the snow to collect in big clods on his fur and his ears and they stick to him until we get home where they start to melt and drop on the floor, creating little puddles everywhere.  

Gandhi thinks this is all very interesting, because she goes outside as little as possible. In fact, I wonder when she does? Sometimes I think hear the sound of the cat flap, but I can not be certain and suspect her of having enormous bladder capacity. 

I have sat behind the computer, and when I got temporarily bored with that, I did a chore, because there are always chores to do if you want to keep a household running. Even if it is a one person one like mine. I find that there is always something to clean or organize or toss out or wash. As it is, I just noticed that I have to wash the inside of the living room windows, because Tyke has been breathing on them heavily. They get really bad when he also feels compelled to bark at a passing dog. 

There is a certain kind of glee in walking  in heavily falling snow and now I wonder why I did not appreciate it that much earlier in the season. I think possibly it has to do with the fact that I am fairly certain that this storm is the last of the winter weather, so in a way I am taking the opportunity to say my farewells. My heart is full of Spring anticipation and nothing can convince me that it is not around the corner. I am the eternal optimist and have seen the first crocuses sprout. 

Tyke has been waiting very patiently beside me, but now he is letting me know that it is high time for a walk. He is starting to pace and I need to put my warm outer layer on.