Getting a grip.

The story of a love is not important-what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.

Helen Hayes

As is usual on the night before Monday, I am having a hard time sleeping and I think that is always because I am in slight nervous anticipation of the day. I am so relaxed in the weekends, and so much the mistress of my own time and space, that I hate to give up that power and share it with anyone else. 

In the morning my personal helper will be here and, although she is the nicest of women, I always feel that I have to mentally prepare for her presence as if I am facing an exam and I have to pass it with flying colors. Of course, that is total foolishness and I am really not under any kind of pressure to live up to any kind of standard at all and whatever pressure I feel is totally self imposed. 

We do discuss the kinds of things I have been up to in the week previous and I can, of course, tell her as much as I please, but I do want to stay honest up to some point. I usually give an abbreviated version of what life has been like, and what I did about it, and leave out the messier details. I figure that I am quite capable of taking care of the loose ends myself.  

But I do have to say, that when I run into a problem, she does come up with good ideas. I then sit and think about them and develop my own course of action on how to use them to my advantage and deal with them in the best possible ways. I do not mindlessly follow every suggestion she makes. I do want to feel some form of independence. 

Right after she leaves, my domestic help shows up and she is the most dedicated domestic help I have ever had. There is not a single detail having to do with anything in my household that escapes her attention. As she sees it, I am quite incapable of doing anything and she is there to take care of all of it. I have to be very assertive and assure her constantly that I am capable of independent action and can change the bed even when she is not there and hang up the laundry too. 

I am glad most of the time that she is such a stickler for detail, because the apartment gets cleaned properly and that is a job that the other domestic helps did not do well. They mostly gave it a lick and a promise, it turns out. I do have to especially stay on my toes now and not neglect to keep it looking good for the rest of the week and always prepare the place before she comes over. I always keep her sternness in mind with whatever I do and follow through on whatever tips and hints she gives me. 

I will go to sleep now and and catch up on a few more hours of it before the day officially starts. I will not do well on the few hours of sleep that I have had so far. I will seize the day when the sun comes up.