That's the way it is...

Because most of the books on my bookcase are in English, in the end, that is the language I end up reading in, and I am now reading Bill Bryson's 'A short history of nearly everything.' The chapter on the origin of the universe alone is worth it, because it is an incomprehensible event that is hard to wrap your mind around. Because I read it before going to sleep, I nod off over it and have to take my glasses off and turn of the light on the nightstand some time later when I briefly wake up. I am hoping that this kind of literature will be of influence on my dreams, but I have not noticed the effects yet.

 

It is a bit of a challenge to read in bed, because Gandhi wants to lie on top of my book, and no matter how often I push her away, she comes back just as quickly to try it again. I have to find some sort of compromise and read around her and stealthily move the book without her noticing it. It is her habit to sleep as close to my face as possible when we go to bed and that is just where the book is. Of course, she is purring away cozily while all this is happening and I feel bad for disturbing her peace and quiet. In a friendly way, she can be very obnoxious.

 

I am learning to live with the errors of my ways and I am almost to the point that I can forgive myself for being human. Some of the problems that I am dealing with are beginning to resolve themselves in small increments and maybe soon, they will be out of the way completely. Everything you do in your life, and especially that what turns out negatively, is a lesson learned and an experience to look back on later, so you won't make the same mistake twice. The advantage of being older, is that you learn your lesson quicker and don't stub your toe on the same stone over and over again. At least, that is the premise.

 

Tomorrow in the afternoon, I am seeing the rheumatism nurse and I am very curious as to what she will have to tell me. I do think this fibromyalgia process is following a very strict protocol and I must say that I appreciate that, because it means it is being taken seriously. There would be nothing worse than having it be treated as something that is all in my mind and not as an acknowledged form of rheumatism.

 

My blood sugar is plummeting, so I have to eat something quickly.

 

 

Be it ever so humble...

Thank goodness for strong cups of coffee that make my brain cells function properly and in a semi logical manner. That does not mean I want to face what's ahead of me the next couple of days, but for now I am functioning just fine. Since I am living in the moment, or at least am trying to, that is a good thing. It is nice to be in denial and pretend no sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. I have almost convinced myself that it is hanging on a very strong rope that is not about to unravel. Maybe that is the same as believing in a higher power, which I wish I did.

 

I feel I need to put my faith in something bigger than me, because I don't have a lot of faith in myself right now, what with my self esteem being a bit at the low end. My ego has shrunk to the size of a microbe that can only be observed under a microscope. Well, for the sake of drama, I am slightly exaggerating. It probably isn't all that small and with a bit of effort and good luck, I could even inflate it. And I am not claiming to be depressed, because I still love life to an extend and still have high hopes that the near future will look better.

 

I am purposely dressing in cheerful colors, because although I don't feel all that sunny, that is the disposition I want to reflect to the world. Yesterday, I wore bright yellow and red, and today I will wear yellow and apple green. I want people to take notice and think to themselves, "There goes a bright and sunny woman." If I could dress Tyke in a bright yellow sweater, I would do it.

 

Much to my own surprise, I am reading a novel, but only in the evening for about an hour before I go to sleep. I stumbled on one that I had not read in 20 years and had forgotten everything about, so it is like reading a new book. I find my bed to be the only comfortable place I can read in, my armchair just won't do at all. I need to be in a reclining position and be able to go to sleep immediately when I feel the urge to. It is a Dutch novel I am reading and it is possible that I have now come to a point that I am more comfortable reading in that language as opposed to English.

 

 

 

 

 

  

How to survive...

Because of circumstances, I felt my ego had taken a bit of a beating and I felt a bit insecure about myself. I also needed to air my troubles in detail and get some clear cut answers, and that is why I contacted my psychiatrist early yesterday morning to ask him if he could see me that day. Luckily he could and I saw him at lunchtime. I was able to sit down with him and work through what was bothering me by logically talking about it. That took care of what my sensibilities had to say about it, but of course, emotionally I still had to deal with it.

 

It is going to take me some time to do that and I have planned a major pause in my life while I catch up with myself emotionally. I was able to have a good conversation wit the Exfactor yesterday evening and he has the same amount of cynicism about life that I do, so I felt completely understood and validated. Yet, I still feel very sad every once in a while and it is going to take me some time to get over that. Mostly, I feel very tired and worn out, but that could also be from the fibromyalgia, although I think it is an accumulation of everything that has happened lately.

 

It is tough not to feel upbeat and happy, but I can't force cheerfulness now. I must feel these less positive feelings also to later appreciate the better ones.

 

Last night, my knee briefly locked up when I sat with it bent in my chair, but I was able to unlock it myself without too much trouble. It did have me worried for a few seconds. I suppose I won't be sitting down with it bent like that anymore. I do have to accept some limitations in my joints.

 

I can't not take the medicines for my fibromyalgia, because I turn very grouchy when I do. I try to postpone the moment when I take them, but it is really not a good idea and I should take them when it is time to according to the clock and my level of discomfort. I am a such much more agreeable person when I do. I have to disagree with the fact that the anti-inflammatory medicines are not supposed to help that much, because they do. Whoever invented that myth didn't know what they were talking about.

 

I refuse to let my present mood turn into one in which the presence of the 'black dog' is reigning. I will not let it get that far. I do feel it somewhere in the background and feel moments of despair, but I will not give into them. I can not loose the last feelings of optimism that I still have and that I cling to like a woman clings to a raft on a choppy sea. I will keep my head above water. See how many metaphors I use. I must really be serious.

 

 

 

 

Because I need to...

I now I have to write another blog post in order to unscramble my sleepy brain that is so far refusing to function. I woke up prematurely because Tyke had to go out back and of course I was stubborn enough to want to stay up and make myself some coffee. The one cup of it that I've had is not working yet and I will have to drink a couple more. Engaging my mind in a practical activity ought to work too, although I keep wanting to fall asleep on top of the keyboard. I have been known to be thick headed and this may be one of those occasions.

 

I am still not back to what I call my 'normal' self and when I woke op I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of all the things that are not going right in my life at the moment. I felt like having some sort of mental breakdown earlier this evening and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and run away from home. If I had a million bucks, I would do it without a moment's hesitation. Being independently wealthy would sure make it easier to deal with any situation. If I knew who the next Bill Gates would be, I would marry him right now.

 

I feel like crawling in my shell and not coming out for a while, and I guess I could make like a hermit and cloister myself in my apartment, although that does go against my nature. I do need the freedom to move around and the regular outings with Tyke to breathe in the fresh air. I suppose I could pretend to live inside an invisible bubble that would move along with me wherever I went and made me invincible and that anything at all would bounce off of. I suppose if you had lots of money, you could pretend to live inside that bubble and create a world of your own that only you, and who you invited in, survived inside.

 

Yes, I am doing a lot of wishful thinking, but when push come to shove, I am very good at that and I guess it is a coping mechanism that I apply every once in a while. I like to pretend I can magically influence my circumstances for the better until I don't need to anymore. It's a trick I learned to use when I was a kid and it served me well.

 

I am not a spring chicken any more and the time to believe in fairy tales is over. I am supposed to a sage and sensible adult now in the prime of my life, applying all of the lessons I have learned in life. Well, it does get tough enough sometimes that I am not capable of that and wish for the magical way out. That's why I play in the national state lottery every month.   

Is it alright?

For a change I am not in a super cheerful mood, but I think that's acceptable also, don't you think? I can't always be surrounded by moonbeams and shooting stars. I am just a bit down, but I don't think it is serious enough for me to be very worried about. I think it is just a temporary situation that I may even get over shortly if I make a good pot of coffee now.

 

Today has not exactly been the happiest of days and I have had to deal with some disappointments. Not everything always goes according to plan and when one thing goes wrong, you can be sure that one or two other things do too. When your faith in yourself is tested, it is tested well. It is like a trial by fire, and if you get through it, you get time off for good behavior.

 

I am sure whatever irritating and bothersome things I am facing now, will be taken care of and by two weeks from now, I won't even worry about them anymore and possibly smile and chalk them up to another lesson learned. This seems to be the year for them, when nothing comes easy and my patience and fortitude get tested and tried. I hope I am a good pupil, so that by the end of the year it will really and truly be over and not turn out to be 7 bad years. 

 

Maybe I have to break a mirror for good luck and not walk under ladders.

 

I have decided to not join the Fibromyalgia Patient Foundation, because they blame everything but the crack in the kitchen sink on fibromyalgia. Their list of symptoms is enormously long and I just don't believe in it. I would rather stick to the shorter one that the professionals use. I think sometimes patient support groups can be helpful, but they all tend to get tunnel vision and loose their objectivity. At least it seems that this Dutch one has.

 

I am having a pretty darn good cup of coffee now and I am pretending that it is cheering me up. I will probably drink several and then walk Tyke. It is not as cold outside as it was yesterday and therefor I am not in as much pain. Still, I am dressed in warm layers and as a result, I invented a whole new outfit. My imagination had not much to do with it. It took form quite by accident while I poked around inside my closet and pulled things out that looked warm enough to wear. Denim and the color red are the main theme.

 

Since I have changed from the summer duvet to the winter one, I am sleeping better and longer in the morning and the reason I still have to get up several times at night, is that I have to use the toilet. If it weren't for that, I would be sound asleep all night. I can't not drink anything in the evening because I am always so thirsty from the medications. This results in those trips to the toilet and the fact that I have a weak bladder anyway.

 

Old age is a terrible burden.

 

 

 

 

Staying calm in spite of myself....

I am temporarily in discord with  a close family member, because I have my opinions and will stick to them. No doubt everything will be resolved, but it doesn't feel all that great while any of this is taking place. Her way of dealing with this unpleasantness is to discard me like a disposable object, but I won't accept that and am making her face the awkwardness and the pain of the disagreement. She has discarded me numerous times in the past and I will no longer go along with the program. My approach is very militant. I will not go away.

 

I had said that I would not make a lifestyle out of having fibromyalgia, but I do have to say that these past couple of days it has severely cramped whatever style I do have. The cold east wind has brought pain to all my joints and even picking up a cup of coffee hurts. I try to ignore this and move as if nothing is the matter, but there are times when that is not possible and I do grab an extra paracetamol which takes the edges of the worst pain.

 

I tried to do without the Celebrex, but that was so unpleasant that I started taking it again no matter what the rheumatologist said about it. It is very difficult not to take a medicine that will bring you some relief when your joints are aching.

 

I contacted my psychiatrist, because I had promised him that I would keep him up to date on what ever was going on with me physically, and he said that a shortage of vitamin D can affect you mentally as well. He did say to be careful not to take too much of it, because it is possible to get an overdose of it. It helps that he was a practicing GP before he specialized to become a psychiatrist, because he knows about lots of things.

 

I have got a day off today in which I have no obligations other than the very personal ones I always have, such as walking Tyke. I am very much looking forward to the day and will take advantage of the free time by mollycoddling myself. Yesterday I took Tyke for a walk that was twice as long as our usual one, because I figured that I needed the extra sunlight. Tyke enjoyed it too. I take the lead and he dawdles behind me. I greet everyone we meet and we are starting to have friends all over the place.