I've said it all...

The domestic help has been here and it turned out that she had quite a story to tell of  mistreatment and abuse by her partner. She is an immigrant and far away from home and her family and she is certainly being taken advantage of. All I could think was, "Run away as fast as you can!" I pretty much told her too along with many other things that are supposed to make her think sensibly about her situation.

 

I do not understand women who stay in situations in which they are obviously being mistreated and taken advantage of. My own immediate reaction to that is to get the hell out, but it is like they still have to convince themselves that it is really as bad as they suspect it is.  They talk about it and you think, "Horror!" and they do not quite believe it themselves.

 

When she left, she was almost in tears and I gave her my visiting card with my contact information on it and I hope she uses it when she feels the need. I do not hate men so much for their abusive behavior, as I get angry at women for putting up with it. I think you must always save yourself and I believe there is always a way. You do not want to be the victim of your life, but the victor.

 

I do have to admit, though, that it took me a long time to get out of a dysfunctional relationship myself, although it was not an abusive one. I have stayed in relationships that were clearly not working and not good for me, or for my partners for that matter. I know it takes a while to see the writing on the wall, and to see a safe exit, and that sometimes it seems simpler to stay where you are. The complications of leaving can seem enormous.

 

That is one of my motivations for not getting into a relationship again, because I know there would come that moment when one of us would have to leave. I am not made for long term relationships. I do not attract the right partner. I attract dysfunctional people. I would rather be on my own than make that mistake again. At least with myself, I know what I have got and I like it. I like my own company.

 

I am glad that I have good friendships with both my ex-husbands and I appreciate them very much in that capacity. I think they are nice enough people, but I do see their less attractive sides that I would not want to live with and I do not have to. That is what I am grateful for and I bless the women who do. At least I do not have to mourn about all the water that has gone under the bridge and the milk that has been spilt.

 

 

Oh no, I've said too much...

I can not sleep late in the morning because a domestic help is going to be here early and it will not be my usual one. She works on Mondays and that was a holiday this week. I do not much enjoy getting a replacement, but the place does have to get cleaned up and look spiffy for the weekend. I will change the bed today and do the laundry immediately and have clean sheets to sleep between tonight. That is one of my great pleasures. I would have clean sheets every night if the laundry dried on time. I must have lived a privileged life in my previous one.

 

I can not believe it, but I have had to take off my new, sporty watch because I am having an allergic reaction to it and I thought it was impossible because of the materials it was made of. I have hives on my wrist and have been scratching them too much. I will have to put some cortisone crème on them right away before I make it worse. What a bummer that is. I suppose that is an another reminder that I can not buy anything that is a cheap deal. There is always a catch to it. If it sounds too good to be true, then it must be. Be forewarned, Irene.

 

You would think that by the age of 50 and up, I would have this all figured out, but still there are some bits of knowledge that slip through the mazes. These are errors in my thinking that I should know better about and do not stop and consider when I make a choice. That is why I think I sometimes need an alter ego to help remind me of this kind of stuff. Or maybe I need a good instruction booklet to be consulted regularly. A built in chip might work too. It would send out a warning signal when I am about to commit a stupidity. Or call it kindly: an error in judgment. I think I would like that.

 

It is too early to go back to bed, or rather, I could, but I would be unable to take my morning dose of medicines and would have to wait until I woke up again in the morning and then it would take a while for them to work. Between waiting for that and the coffee to work, I may be in a stupor for a while and I always try to prevent that because it is so disconcerting. It would take me at least an hour to come to my senses and then I would still have to get dressed and walk Tyke before I could do anything else. The domestic help will have to work around me while I get my things in order. Sometimes it is tough to have two people trying to manage one household and it is best if I stay out of the way.

 

Right, I will set the alarm clock and hope for the best. I do need to get my beauty sleep as I get older more and more. And lots of baby lotion to get the wrinkles out.

 

 

 

 

Feeling a little gritty and tough.

I changed my mind about going downtown on my bike after walking Tyke late this morning. It was much colder than I had anticipated because there was a cold wind blowing that was most unpleasant. I did not want to ride my bike through it just to have a cup of coffee at an outdoor café and freeze my buns off. I called my friend Lucienne and postponed our appointment for another time when the weather will be better. She did try to talk me into taking the bus to a big shopping mall, but I have no interest in that whatsoever. I do not just want to shop and I do not have the money for it. I have no desire to go to a shopping mall when what I want is to walk around downtown.

For some reason, Tyke must have felt that I was planning on going out and was restless all morning. I tried to calm him down, but I was pretty much unsuccessful at that. I petted him and talked to him, but he kept being disturbed by everything and the least little noise set him on edge. As soon as I called off the appointment, he became quiet and serene and fell asleep beside me and has been lying there peacefully ever since. Every once in a while he snores for a bit. It is nice to think that he is so attached to me that he anticipated my absence, but it sure does look like it. Tyke is very much in tune with me and picks up the slightest nuances in my moods.

Gandhi is a different story altogether, although I am not going to claim that she does not feel what mood I am in. She is just more indifferent to them and it does not bother her if I am not as nicely balanced as I should be. She will walk away and come back 5 minutes later to be petted and act like there is nothing the matter. Of course, she can come and go as she will and she is not as dependent on me as Tyke is, who very much is attached to me and we do do everything together. He may be stuck to the leash, but I am on the other end of it. We have, you could say, a symbiotic relationship. I do not know if that is necessarily a good thing, but so be it.

When I am walking Tyke, I really do not mind the cold wind all that much. I see it as a bit of a challenge that I have to deal with and every opportunity to get out of it is a big gain. It is so nice to get behind a row of houses and be protected from the sharpness of the wind for just a little while. It does make you feel good to have it blow into your face and you hair and makes you feel clean and new. It is also a big relief, once you are properly cold and wind blown, to get home again and peel your outer layer off. You feel that you have achieved something worthwhile.

 

I will now eat lunch and that will consist of vanilla pudding. You should not pay any attention to what foods I claim agree with me because I do not know of what I speak. It is all a mystery. I think I do best with liquid foods.

Like a not so lost fool.

I called my GP's office yesterday and was told that the blood test showed that I do not have that bacteria that causes my stomach problems. I was somewhat disappointed about that because it would have been the easy solution. Now I do not know what is wrong. I got the advice to just keep taking the stomach tablets and to wait for it to get better, at which I became very upset, because I have been taking those tablets for a long time. I demanded another appointment and got one for this coming Thursday. I will not be that easily put off. If it were up to me, I would have already gone to see a specialist. Grumble, grumble...

 

I talked to my psychiatrist and he approved the 1 mg increase in my medication as long as it does not make me emotionally flat, so we have to keep an eye on that. I am relieved about it because I think I am, and will be, doing a lot better. He was glad that I was keeping track of my own moods, although I told him that sometimes it was difficult and I did not notice when I was in trouble myself until after the fact. I do have to say, that this time I caught it before, and he was pleased about that. It is, of course, quite an improvement when a patient can monitor her own moods and adjust her medication accordingly. I am happy that he trusts me to that point anyway.

 

I am very relieved that I no longer get real depressions. I may get a dip now and then, but it is nothing compared to the depths I used to go. I mostly have to deal with hypomania and I so much prefer that. Maybe I am trading in good physical health for good mental health, who knows? I certainly appreciate good mental health. With the normally positive attitude that I have, I can face a lot of things. When you are depressed, anything at all becomes impossible to deal with because it all gets pulled into the black hole with you. If I am thankful for anything, it is that that does not happen anymore. As always, I count my blessings.

 

Today I have to make an appointment at the trim salon to have Tyke's fur cut short because it has really gotten too long. Last night I had to trim the hair on top of his forehead because he was peeking through it and not seeing much. The weather is improving and I am going to assume that we have the worst of it behind us and that Tyke will not suffer from the cold once he has been trimmed. I am very curious what sort of dog will emerge from underneath all that hair. He has gained weight, but it is hard to tell how much. I may be in for a shock and put him on a diet immediately.

 

I am meeting my friend Lucienne downtown this afternoon to have a coffee at an outdoor café and watch the world walk by. We will be warm enough with out winter coats on beneath the overhead heaters under the awning.  I will think of all of you when I sit there.

Trying to keep up with me...

It's too early to go back to bed, so I'll have to find a way to amuse myself for about an hour or so. There are various ways I can do that, but I have exhausted just about all of them. I do need to keep myself occupied during these quiet hours in the middle of the night and I try my very best to. I spent much time on Facebook and had to quit that venue before I made a pest of myself. The great thing on Facebook is that you can ignore any sort of nonsense you run across and so I hope my nonsense will be ignored too. Luckily, there is no "dislike" button because that would hurt.

I've had enough coffee to put me in a very good mood, but I've had to stop drinking it so that I will slow down mentally and prepare my state of mind for a return to the bedroom and some necessary sleep. I do like the little high that I get from the caffeine every night that I sit here because it's a total thrill. For a little while it's like I consumed a "happy" pill. Of course, it doesn't last and after that I'm only wide awake and need to come back down to earth. That's not a sudden happening, I slowly drift down again in about an hour's time.

I had enough sense to do the dishes last night, so if I get up late in the morning like I did yesterday, it won't matter. My personal helper is going to be here early and I think I may be in danger of sleeping too long and I am reluctant to set the alarm clock because I want all the sleep I can get. You wouldn't say so given the evidence of me sitting here in the middle of the night, but I really do like to sleep. I am just not very good at it. I only sleep well when I am away from home. It's because I feel safer.

Today I have to call my psychiatrist and tell him about increasing my one medication by 1 mg and ask him to fax a prescription to the pharmacy for tablets of that dose. Otherwise I'm going to have to start cutting tablets in half and they don't have a dividing line, so that may not be so accurate. I will first have to convince him of the necessity of the increase, but I don't think that will be too difficult because I will sound like a perfectly sane person, which I am. I feel that I should have been on this dose all along.  I have been on the edge of being hypomanic, if not actually hypomanic, for quite some time.

 

I am starting to yawn, so that's a good sign. Within minutes I will be in bed and sound asleep again. Oh yes, I also have to call the doctor's office and find out the results of that blood test. It will be an interesting day. But first, sleep!

 

The distance in my eyes...

I managed to sleep until 10:30 this morning, which I think is a real achievement. I think I have not done such a thing in quite a while and it took me by surprise. I thought it was a real good way to start the day, having the morning mostly behind me already. I took my time having some cups of coffee while Tyke loitered by my feet half drowsy and not ready to go out.

 

When we finally did get around to that, we went out into a sunshiny world with a blue sky and fair temperatures, although I still had to dress warm. Maybe Spring is going to happen now. You would half believe so today. Tyke didn't do a lot of dawdling, so I didn't get to look in any gardens to see how the spring flowers were doing, but I will try to pay attention to that later today.

 

The grocery store opened at noon and I went there and bought enough mild, low fat yogurt and vanilla pudding to last me the rest of the week. When it really comes down to it, and when I compare them to all the other foods, they are the least bothersome ones I can eat. I have tried everything else, but they all make me burp and throw up and these two do not.

 

I put the contents of the pan of soup in containers and stuck them in the freezer. I do not know yet what I will do with the left over vegetables, although I am sure I can make the Exfactor happy with them.

 

I am drinking coffee now because I was having a mild afternoon dip. The coffee is weak because I used what was left in the glass jars and was too lazy to open a new package. My dip had rendered me incapable of doing something as simple as that.

 

It is the 1st of April and no one has fooled me yet, but that is because I have not seen anyone besides the people in the store. I am a warned woman and a warned woman counts for two so, hopefully, I will not believe anything anybody tries to tell me that is the least unbelievable today .Like, you have won the lottery!