Grasping at straws

Because I have a burn out, I have decided to give myself until the end of May to get over it and to cancel al unimportant things in my life until then. I will keep appointments that really matter, but no others, and I will stick to the apartment where I am exposed to the fewest triggers. My daily outings will be walking Tyke. I have told all the people that matter in my life that this is the way it is going to be and that they are not to bother me with their problems or anything frivolous, and that I will not make appointments with them. I hope the phone will now fall silent and I have to say that it has been already all day long, so that is a good sign.

 

Sometimes, I have moments of serenity when I can sit in my armchair and feel peace, but these moments are only fleeting and soon I have to find the safety of my bed again. I tell myself that I have bought myself time now, but sometimes that is hard to remember and all the stress returns and I feel pain in my chest and a tight headache. I have the feeling that I am going to explode and I don't know where to go to find peace. I find that it helps to sit here and write this down because I can organize my thoughts. I feel real fear of going crazy and have to hold on real tight.

 

I take tranquilizers as I need them and they help me a lot. I don't think I could make it without them. I have to be careful not to drink too much coffee, although at times it helps me straighten out my mind. It is not easy to find the right balance between everything but I try, Sometimes it is tough to be alone and I need someone to talk to, but I seem to only have people in my life who want to unload on me and I don't need them around right now.

 

Somehow I will survive with a lot of falling down and getting up again.