Things I do for myself.

For some reason, my very excellent cups of coffee are not cheering me up as well as they usually do, so the problem must lie with me. I am not feeling my normal cheerful self and, as a matter of fact, tonight I am feeling a bit insecure, which is, considering everything, not all that strange I suppose. It is not every day that I come out as a gay woman. Although I feel confident about having done so, I was expecting more response and feedback and some more empathy. I did get that from some people, but the almost deadly silence that followed was unexpected and is making me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

 

You can't have a meaningful dialog with silence, so that forces me to speak into the void instead, although I know there are some kind and sympathetic readers out there. And let's face it, no matter how tough and self reliant I think I am, I do want some acceptance regardless of who and what I am. I am a woman of flesh and blood and not made of stainless steel that can take any sort of beating. Not to speak of my feelings that, although not unstable, are capable of getting hurt.

 

By saying all of that, I don't mean that I am not ready to hear all sorts of noises providing they are aired in a polite and calm manner. I suppose just about everybody will want to say something about me coming out, even if it is not the most positive thing. But imagining what that will be, and actually finding out what it is, are two different things, and I would rather know for sure and stop letting my imagination run wild.

 

As a way of celebrating my coming out, I have bought myself a simple silver ring with a small zircon stone in it and it is the only piece of jewelry that I wear now. Because it is brand new, it sits like a shining beacon on the ring finger of my right hand, so I have to look at it regularly. It is a symbol for the new stage in my life I have entered in which I am so much the same, yet different. I no longer have to be pleasant and charming to almost every man I encounter and I can openly enjoy looking at every handsome woman.

 

I won 50 Euros in the state lottery and bought another ticket beside the one I always get, so the next time I have double the chance at winning something. I usually win a small amount of money, but I am waiting to hit the jackpot. A woman's got to keep having her dreams.