What I do now.

I have taken up drinking and start as early as 3:30 in the afternoon. I drink vodka with whatever juice is available on ice. I am a steady drinker and by 8 o'clock I am ready to go to bed. That is not so unusual, because I was always someone who went to bed early and watched the sun rise at dawn.

 

Because of the drinking, I have found out that I am a perfectionist and that I have been trying to fit into that straightjacket for a long time, although I would have vehemently denied it before and told you I was the most relaxed person I knew. I didn't know what relaxed was until I started drinking and felt all that pressure fall off my shoulders.

 

The drinking has given me enormous mental clarity and many new insights and a whole new world has opened up to me. That is why I know I am going to keep doing it for now, although I don't know what the future holds in store for me. I like the opportunity it is giving me to stop some behavior that turned out to be senseless, and to try out a few new things that are very educational and improve my mind.

 

The day after the night I have been drinking, I feel very good and I think I am like a shaman who has taken narcotic substances to get into a trance to have visions that are very revealing. The insights I am gaining are very valuable and I feel like I have stopped beating many dead horses and am very determined not to start beating them again. I have disconnected from old dysfunctional behavior and don't care enough to ever pick it up again.

 

I have started to watch the Ted Talks and find them hugely interesting and can spend much time doing nothing but. I never knew there was such a cornucopia of subjects that could be talked about with so much flair and knowledge. I finally feel the freedom to stretch myself into all sorts of directions.

 

I am seeing both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I will discuss this new aspect of my life with them and doubtlessly there will be some concern. I will also reveal my drive for perfectionism and the insecurity about myself it stems from. It all has to do with self esteem and self awareness and wanting to be good enough and accepted. When I drink, I don't care.

Doing the job...

The Exfactor and I found a work surface on sale for my computer table that was completely finished and measures 60x175cm. The length is 4cm longer than I am tall, to give you some idea. It is in a mottled gray. It was available in a variety of colors, but this one matches my sofa and in the end had my preference. I realized that a light wood color did not really fit with the general décor and would have stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

We had to, of course, remove everything from the old work surface in order to turn the computer table upside down to attach the new one. I let the Exfactor worry about all the cables and connections and just took care of removing all the precious items and the clutter.

 

Fixing the frame with the legs attached to it turned out not to be such a tough job. At least, the Exfactor made it look easy and, of course, he had the right tools for the job. When he was done, we turned the table right side up again and the Exfactor reconnected all the cables and we put the table in place. I put everything back on top and the larger space made such a difference. I finally have room for all my stuff and it's a pleasure to work at this table now.

 

I have made enough changes in my living space that I am going to have to take a time out just to get used to them, and today I am not going to make any more alterations, but pick up my everyday, ordinary life on a low simmer. I'll put the whole day in a low gear and spend some time in contemplation. I will be good to, just for today, live in the moment.

 

 

 

 

Maybe not such a dull Thursday...

I am waiting for the Exfactor to get here so that we can start on our new and exciting project that I thought of all by my single self. We are going to replace the work surface of my computer table with a bigger and lighter colored one. I don't have much room on the one I have now and it causes for a cramped place to work on and also keep all the things I need handy. I always have to make stacks in which everything disappears and gets lost for a while until I dig it out again.

 

The work surface I have now is laminated and black and you see every little speck of dust on it. I want to go for real wood, maybe very lightly stained or with a distressed look. The Exfactor and I will have to go to the hardware store together and see what the possibilities are. Whatever we choose, it's going to be very easy to fix to the frame that the legs are attached to. I think between the two of us, it shouldn't take long to get done at all.

 

I want to get a plant that can take low light and set it on the corner of the new work surface, because that is just what it's going to need. I am having much success with the plants that I got as a gift last summer and I have been keeping them alive and well by giving them a half a liter of water every Saturday and having placed them in the perfect spot. I should be able to repeat that performance with another plant.  I will go to the specialty flower shop where they can give me the right advice on what to get.

 

On Tuesday, we changed the whole living room around, except for the bookcase because it is far too heavy to move. I had made a plan ahead of time, so I knew exactly where each piece of furniture needed to go and we were done in no time at all. Once everything was in place, the fun part started, and that was the decorating. Of course, lots of little things and paintings had to be put in a new place. I took my time doing that and sat in my armchair pondering each new situation before I tackled the next one.

 

The next day, I was a bit emotionally distraught because of this change, like bipolar people have a tendency to be. I really reacted strongly to having made such an alteration in my environment because, although I liked it, it was also strange and I had to get used to it. I had to take some extra medication to make it through the day.Today, I am okay and I am able to accept things as they are and not feel so awfully insecure about them. So disconnected and alienated.

 

It is raining and Tyke and I got wet this morning when we went for a walk. It looks like it is going to rain all day, but it's not coming down in buckets at least. We will survive it.

 

 

 

A night without vodka.

Having gotten into the habit of having two 'screwdrivers' every night because they help me sleep better, I decided to forego them last night. I had eaten a very good dinner, and my stomach was full, and I simply was not looking forward to also having two tall glasses of alcohol. It seemed like it would just be an impossible task.

 

I decided to take my chances and aim for a good night's sleep without them, and much to my pleasure, I succeeded. The nicest thing was, that I woke up in a much better state of mind. I had not realized that the alcohol had affected the way my mind worked when I woke up, and it was not in a positive way. I think a drink now and then is alright, but I should not make a habit out of it.

 

I think for some reason that I haven't quite figured out yet, I sleep better in the guest room and Tyke does too. It may be the bed, which is very comfortable now that I have put a pad on the mattress. I am seriously thinking about staying in this room when my ex has gone back to the States. I will have to make it a bit cozier, but I can make improvements over time, there's no big rush to get it done.

 

I have to eat breakfast and get the apartment ready for the domestic help. I also have to wash the cover of my armchair because I spilled salsa dip on it last week.

 

 

That's how you do it...

I get around real well now for a crippled, old lady. As long as I put my left foot straight ahead of me, there's no problem. I can't move it one centimeter to the left or right. I also can't play the violin and that has been a lifelong ambition.

 

I looked up the orthopedic surgeon on line and he is legitimate and has no court cases running against him. He has had a good education and has worked in renown hospitals. He specializes in knees. The clinic also has a good reputation and my health insurance company has a contract with them and covers all the costs. I must admit that I worried about all of that a little bit and would have called the whole thing off if I had not felt reassured.

 

The Exfactor did the groceries for me this morning, because I don't trust my knee well enough to get on my bike. I had made an interesting list of items that I had first looked up on my store's website, and written down very descriptively, so that the Exfactor would not be able to make one mistake. He did a great job and got everything right and I could tell that he had really put his heart into it. He is a real good shopper when he puts his mind to it.

 

I heard from my American ex. He is in Barcelona having the time of his life and enjoying all the treasures the city has to offer. I am so jealous! I was real happy to hear from him because, although he is a grown up and able to take care of himself, I was beginning to get a little bit worried. Next, he will get on a ferry and travel to Italy. I know he doesn't get seasick, because he's been on lots of fishing boats in his lifetime.

 

I have to feed the animals and then take Tyke for a walk, and think about making myself something to eat. Something completely uncomplicated, so that I will hardly dirty any dishes. I am a little bit on vacation myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things to remember...

It is very important to never skip a meal, although the feeling of hunger does not always penetrate my thick skull. Sometimes it is just a feeling of unease and disquiet and not so much the sense of hunger that I feel, and I don't immediately associate it with having to eat. It is because it is the time of day to that I end up making myself a very healthy and filling sandwich and shortly after I have eaten it, my whole demeanor changes and I am in a much better frame of mind. It's like the difference between night and day and I think I must be suffering from a bit of low blood sugar to bring this about.

 

I do know that the sandwiches that I have been making with the thick slices of Gouda cheese and the lunchmeat on whole grain bread, satisfy me very much and as a rule fill me enough until the next meal. If not, and I start to wane before that time, I fix myself a couple of slices of bread with peanut butter.

 

You would think that with me eating all that whole grain bread, I would be gaining a lot of weight, but I'm not, although I have not weighed myself in ages and have no curiosity to whatsoever. I know I am still the same size, because all my clothes still fit me and I just, a few days ago, bought a pair of pants on line and they were in my usual size and fit perfectly. (These were to replace the ones that were cut up in the emergency room).

 

I don't want to diet to retain my shape and do want to eat when I am hungry. I have been eating some things that I normally don't because of my ex being here and him wanting to spoil me, but now that he is on his trip, I don't eat those things anymore, although some of them are still on the kitchen shelves. I am a firm believer in that if you eat sensibly and healthy, you never have to diet and will always have the body shape that naturally fits your build. A healthy diet shouldn't be about depriving yourself.

 

I don't want you to get the idea that I have the perfect body shape, because like any woman my age, I do suffer from the middle age bulge. It's a fact of life that I have to live with and it's not going away no matter how I eat or would exercise. I pay attention to other women my age and see that it's a common phenomenon. I think none of us ought to get upset about that and try to suck in our stomachs when we catch the image of ourselves in a store window as we walk by.

 

I have to go walk Tyke, because he is sitting here very patiently waiting for me to do so. I think I will wear my down filled jacket.