Contradictions...

I had a miserable afternoon of pain and nausea, but it is behind me now and after taking my pain medication, I can only say that I feel pretty darn good. It takes about an hour for it to work, but then it really does and I can be guaranteed to feel so much better. It is a difference between day and night and I would hate to do without it. God forbid that I should ever have to. 

I had a very nice morning because my sister took me for a drive in the nicest part of the province and when we got to the prettiest village, we parked the car and had coffee and pie on the terrace of a restaurant in the sunshine that just happened to be out. That was just before it started raining, so we were very lucky. The pie tasted homemade and was not too sweet and the serving was huge. 

For some reason, I got sick in the afternoon and I still have not worked out why that was. I was unable to use the iPad because every time I tried, I got sicker and a huge headache. I shut it off and have not used it since. I always sit in my big red armchair when I use it and maybe that is a problem. Maybe I hold my head at such an angle that a nerve is being pinched. I do not have that problem sitting here with the iMac at the computer table. 

The Exfactor treated me in the evening to Indonesian take out. By that time I was feeling better and in the mood for it. I had nasi goreng and pork satay and it tasted pretty darn good, although I could only eat half of it. I had no stomach problems afterwards, although I had been a bit afraid of that. Like I said, I feel good now and like I never felt any different. I am new to this disease called cancer and do not know all the ins and outs of it yet. 

I try to stay up later at night so that I do not go to sleep too early. I do not want to get up at all in the middle of the night but sleep through it. I get the best night rest that way than when it is broken up into halves. Who would have thought that I would ever sound so sensible? 

Sometimes you just feel that way

It is in the middle of the night and a while ago I talked to my daughter over the phone. Because of the time difference, and because she had been working all day long, this was the first opportunity we could talk in the last few days and I had been looking forward to it. We had a long conversation in which we talked about a lot of things that we found important now that I have lung cancer and my time is probably limited. 

We both wanted to say a lot of things to each other that we had not yet got around to and it was like we were in a rush to say them now. We actually will have all sorts of time to do that still, but it feels like we will run out of it. They were things that neither one of us had said to the other before and it is a shame that it has come to this before we do. But I am not complaining because it is good that we say them now. I am sure that we are going to do much more of this and I look forward to that. 

I am very proud of my daughter because she is the first woman in my family who has achieved full emancipation all on her own power. The place that she has reached in this world, she has reached by herself without anybody's help and I stand in full admiration of her. I am, without outwardly bragging about it, enormously proud of her and I told her so tonight. I do not know why this came as a surprise to her because it seems so matter of fact that I am. I hold her in very high regard. 

I now have to try to get some sleep or I will not be worth anything during the day. My sister and I are supposed to go for a ride with the car and have a coffee somewhere nice. She does take good care of me. I am not sleepy, but hopefully once I lie down in bed, sleep will come. I just took a paracetamol because my chest hurts. Maybe it will work in a little while. 

A nap would be good...

I was drinking coffee, but it wasn't doing me any good, so I switched to lemonade. We will see if that sparkling cold drink will make me more alert than I am now. I also had to take a paracetamol because I had a headache. This in spite of the fact that I had already taken my pain medicine. I think it is all in my head, no pun intended. 

For someone with what I assume is lung cancer, I am not doing too badly right now, but that is exactly because I have taken my pain medicine. Before I took it, I was not such a happy camper. I think the fact that it has a narcotic in it makes me all the more happy, and there is a heck of a difference after I have taken it. 

I get a real dip at the end of the afternoon and that is because the medicine has worn off and I need to take the next dose, but it is not time yet. I really have to wait twelve hours before I take it. I can't cheat. All of me suffers when it has worn off and my whole body hurts. 

My sister was over here twice today, once to do some cleaning, and a second time with some delicious take out food as a treat for us. She knows what I need and how to keep my mind distracted. She has enough energy for the both of us, so I don't have to feel bad for having so little. When it comes to that, I am going downhill. 

The Exfactor also came over and brought chocolate croissants again. I seem to do well on sweet food because it always peps me up a lot. I think the cancer drains my body of energy and the sugar resupplies it. I do also eat complex carbohydrates. A glass of lemonade does wonders for me, though, and I drink it ice cold very often. I may yet regain the weight that I lost. Coffee only does me good in the morning. The rest of the day it doesn't seem to do much for me. 

As soon as we have worked things out concerning my treatment plan and the prognosis, my daughter wants to come see me. In the meantime, she wants me to keep her informed down to the tiniest detail about how I am. I am doing my best to do that without making things sound dramatic. I try to be matter of fact about them and call everything by its right name. Cancer is cancer and pain is pain. I can't make it any nicer than that. I do use a somewhat cheerful tone of voice. If I can fool her with that.

I am not half asleep anymore and now I can stay up until it really is time to go to bed. I will be able to sleep until it is morning and not get up in the middle of the night. I like that so much better.

Not quite what I thought...

I called back the ENT specialist today because she had said that I could always call her if I had any questions. My calling her resulted in clearing up a major misunderstanding that I had. It turns out that I don't have a tumor by my thyroid but that all the tumors are in my lymph glands by my lungs and around my windpipe, and that they expect to find the primary tumor in my lungs. What that means, in other words, is that they think I have lung cancer. 

Considering that I already have metastasis, I know that makes the prognosis not so good, but I suppose I will not get ahead of things and wait until I have seen the lung specialist on Thursday. The PET scan is being done on Tuesday and that is when I will also have the blood work done. I think I am in stage IV, but I don't know the exact gradation. Only the specialist will be able to tell me after he has seen the PET scan and has talked to me. 

I went into mourning this afternoon and called my sister so I could cry on her shoulder. She very patiently let me. It was as though the gravity of the situation finally dawned on me. What a rude awakening that was. It sure hit me hard. By now I am okay again and know how to deal with it. I am over the shock. I realize that I will not have a long time to live and that I have to get out of life what I can while I can. It is as simple as that. 

I had a lot of pain in my back today and the pain medication was not working. In the afternoon I called the GP's office and asked for their help. The assistant called me back a while later to say that she had faxed a prescription for a stronger medication to the pharmacy and my sister picked it up. I took it in the early evening after the other medicine was out of my system. To my great relief, this new pain medication works much better and I am now almost without pain. I am ever so grateful for this. 

I am not going to have any wine tonight. I don't know if it is a good idea to drink alcohol at all. I use so much medicine and now with this new medication, that is so strong, it may not be the right thing to do. I am going to stay up as long as I can, and then take my sleeping pill and hopefully get a good night's sleep. I was lazy and rested for most of the day after it was such a busy day the day before. It did me a lot of good, because I feel much better now. 

Hanging in there

I get worn out quicker than I used to and especially at the end of the day that can be a problem. By that time, I have been visiting with people, and talking a lot, and generally up and about and moving around, so when the evening comes along, I start to feel very tired and quickly out of breath. I really ought to go to bed at that point and sleep for a couple of hours, but I am also still too wound up to do so. 

Yesterday evening, I had two glasses of white wine first to help me relax, and I then fell into a sound sleep which was wonderful. I woke up about three hours later completely refreshed and in much better shape mentally too. Life with cancer does get a bit overwhelming at times. My body does not co-operate as well anymore. It wants to do everything at a much slower pace. It does not like for me to do a lot of things in a hurry. I am simply incapable of that.

I did not expect ever to slow down like this and to really feel so impeded, but I have to face reality and pace myself. It is in a very short time that this has happened. I can still take Tyke for his walks so I am glad about that and as a rule Tyke is not in a hurry, but dawdles a lot. I must keep taking him for walks even when the Cowboy is back from Rome because I am sure that it is good for me. Maybe we can go together because I know that the Cowboy likes to go for walks also. 

I realize that I must adjust my habits and my schedule if I am successfully going to live with cancer. I will be a trial and error process while I find the best way. I do have to remember that I am very new at this. I have been practicing not feeling well for a while, but I didn't get it right then because I didn't know what was the matter. 

The Exfactor surprised me with chocolate croissants this morning and they were so fresh and good. He had bought extra so there was another one for my sister to have with her tea later. There is one left to have tomorrow morning and I think he is bringing over more. He had already brought over a very pure chocolate bar earlier in the week and my friend M. brought over another one in the afternoon. I share them with my sister and we try to make them last as long as possible. Chocolate is the food of the gods. 

Not such good news...

To make a long story short, I have a malignant tumor on my thyroid and tumors in my lymph glands by my lungs. A PET scan will show if they have metastasized to other places in my body, but they probably have already to my spine and that is why I have such pain there. The pain medicine I am taking is the right kind and is also keeping the pain from the other places in check, beside the pain in my back. The reason my voice is so hoarse is because the tumor is pressing on a nerve that is going right by my vocal chord. 

Until the PET scan is made, I don't know what my prognosis is or what the treatment plan is going to be, but the circus will start next week and blood work will first be done. I am patient and will be ready when the time comes for whatever comes. I have had a good cry, but I am mostly alright and well put together considering the circumstances. I am having a stiff drink right now, but I thought I could allow myself one. I did want to take the edge of and feel a bit more mellow. I think I deserve that.

I wanted to allow my sister to take care of me, but I have changed my mind about that and think (considering her personality) that this is not such a good idea. I have asked the Cowboy to do this instead because I think he would do a much more proficient job. He has now changed his plans and is only going to Rome for a few days and is returning here on Tuesday. He is not going to Naples and Corfu. I am so grateful for that and am enormously relieved. I realized that I was in a jam otherwise. 

The Cowboy has a lot of experience with cancer and the treatment and the whole process because of our son who had cancer of a rare kind. He got treatment and went into remission and then, in the end, died of it anyway. The Cowboy was his mainstay through the whole thing and I know that he can do a competent job and is very knowledgeable. 

I have never had anything this seriously wrong with me, so this is a whole new experience for me and I don't know what to expect either. I will live from one day to the next and take it as it comes. I am planning on putting up a good fight and prolonging my life as much as is possible, I am a tough broad, after all.