What we wish for

I am allowed to, beside the opiate, also take big doses of paracetamol for the pain in my back. My GP gave me the permission to today. He does not want to prescribe a stronger pain medication until he knows what the real problem is and we won't know that most likely until Wednesday. 

At the moment I have gotten very lucky because both of them are working well and my back is not giving me too much trouble and that is almost cause for a celebration. It is too bad that I do not drink or I would finish up the vodka that is still on the shelf in the kitchen. It would be nice to get a bit tipsy, but I dare not. 

I do know that I am going to stay up for a long while because I want to enjoy every moment that I am not in a lot of pain. It will be time to go to bed when I start feeling uncomfortable. I remember to sit up straight so I don't put a lot of stress on my back and if it is at all possible, to lean back in a pillow for a bit. I am learning all the little tricks as I go along. 

The Exfactor was visiting me this afternoon and just as he was getting ready to leave, the Cowboy came home from Amsterdam so I was not alone for a minute. Isn't it nice how they don't leave me unattended? Tyke was so happy to see the Cowboy that he almost climbed on top of him. 

The Cowboy thinks that Amsterdam and San Francisco are the two best cities on earth and he would like to spend equal portions of the year in them. In Amsterdam, he tried to find out how much it would cost to live there for six months. I hope he can make his dream come true. 

My dream is to spend time on one of the islands on the north coast with a few of the people I love. I want to walk on the windblown beach and smell the sea. I would like to sit in the tall grassy dunes and look into the far horizon and not think about anything but how pleasant it is to be there. I do hope that my dream comes true also. 

The apple that falls from the tree

It is now officially Monday and only two more days (if I push my luck a little) until I hear the results from the CT-scan with contrast fluid and the echo with biopsy. To say that this is making me anxious, would be an understatement, but to all outward appearances I am very calm. It is just possible that I am more calm than I give myself credit for. I am anxious to know what is wrong with me, because I hate to walk around feeling so sick without knowing what the cause is (although I have my suspicions). 

I wake up every morning convincing myself that I am doing much better, only to be proved wrong after I have been up for about two minutes (if it takes that long at all). I try to suppress each symptom and prove to myself that I do not have any at all and that each one is a figment of my imagination. I repeat that process regularly throughout the day and I hope I get it right some time. You know how they always say that the mind is stronger than the body? Well, I am trying to prove that fact (if it is indeed a fact and not an old wife's tale). 

Today is also the day that the Cowboy returns from his little sojourn to Amsterdam and I have to say that I am glad about that. It will be good to see him because I did miss him. It was quiet without him here, although having my little sister around did make up for some of that. The Cowboy posted a few of the photos that he took in Amsterdam on Facebook, but I can't wait to see the rest. He will have taken them with the eye of a typical American who sees things that we Dutch people don't even notice anymore. And that is what makes for such surprising shots. 

I have an appointment with my therapist this morning, but because I will not be able to ride my bike over there, my little sister is taken me there with her car. Isn't that the cat's pajamas? What luxury. Everybody needs a little sister like that, but they do not come a dime a dozen. They are very rare. I sure as heck am holding on tight to mine. She is still in the process of cleaning the doors and the woodwork and gets a bit done every day in between other things she has to take care of. 

I have got the nicest glass of ice cold lemonade. The best things in life are (almost) free.

With a sister like that...

I sure am lucky to have a baby sister who makes up her mind to do something and then goes ahead and takes care of it. I will never have to worry that I will have to face anything on my own or have to carry any burden that is too heavy for me singlehandedly to bear. She just observes the situation quickly and steps in and takes control of things. I hardly have to worry about anything after that. She is worth her weight in gold and how many people are there these days like that? 

I do have to make sure that the burden does not become too heavy for her so, if at all possible, I want to carry as much of it as I can myself. And always be loving and grateful to her because she deserves it and no, she is not at all a martyr. She has a heart of gold too and can do the job of two people. For some reason she was created that way. 

Yesterday evening I took Tyke for his regular walk, but it was a bit more difficult than I had anticipated and it took me a while to recover from the effort. It seems that my physical condition is going backwards and that does concern me. You would think that I was a very old and out of shape woman. I do want to keep going for this same walk and not reduce the distance because I will be darned if I am forced to. Besides that, Tyke needs to set the boundaries of his territory three times a day. Somehow I have to stay in good enough shape to be able to walk that far. Come hell or high water. 

I will accept any reality that I am faced with, but I am also stubborn and will fight for the cause and go the extra mile. My god, I sound just like a politician. I sure as heck don't want to. I will set a goal for myself every day and somehow achieve it even if it is not a real big one. I will let them vary in size depending on how good a day I am having. And now I am out of breath. 

What I do this for

The Cowboy caught the train this morning for Amsterdam and is going to be gone for a couple of days. I have to be honest with you and tell you that I miss him and that it is going to be tough when he goes on his vacation to Rome and Corfu. He is such good company and takes care of things so well, that it would be hard not to miss him, especially once he goes back to California. I try not to think that far ahead and enjoy the moments that he is here. It also helps that I know that he is having a good time here and that it really is a break from his regular life at home, which mainly takes place in the suburbs. 

I look forward to the time that my sister will live here and take care of me, although it is not at all sure if that is going to happen. It depends on if I do indeed have cancer and we won't know the answer to that until Wednesday. Very often, I feel so wretched that I am sure that I do and I am only waiting for the specialist to confirm it. There is something the matter with me anyway and my sister's help will be very welcome. In the meantime, I take the pain medication, or am impatiently waiting for it to do its job, and try to remember to take naps on time because they help a lot. 

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and had a beer and we had the kind of conversation that we used to have way back when. And that seems like ages ago too. Tomorrow morning he is going to do some groceries and bring chocolate croissants to have with our coffee. I am looking forward to that. As ex-husbands go, he is not a bad one and I do enjoy his company. He is much more an introvert, but he does have his good points. 

Things happen for a reason and I think there must be a method to this madness. There is a lesson to be learned out of all of this that I had not learned yet. More than one lesson, really. Once this is all over, I could probably write a text book about it (providing I survive it). I am already not getting excited about so many things that do not seem important any longer and I wonder what everyone is getting all worked up about. So many people have such short fuses and waste their time being angry about nothing at all. I am looking high and low for tolerance and forgiveness. None of us are getting hurt as much as we think we are. 

I have had my cups of black coffee and feel very much well put together. I thought coffee gave me heart palpitations, but I realize now that they must come from my thyroid problems. And so the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. 

Worried? Who, me?

I am a bit late with taking my pain medication because I had fallen asleep after a copious spaghetti dinner and just woke up, several hours later. It was wonderful to take that long nap, but it did upset my schedule a bit, not that it actually matters that much. I am a free agent, after all. I just have to wait for the pain medication to start working now and it make take a while. But I am not a wimp, mind you. I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin', as the once so famous commercial said. 

It seems ages ago since I had the echo and the biopsy done, but it was really only this morning. I had a very competent radiologist do them and I had much more faith in her than I did in the one who earlier had only done the echo. She seemed so much more sure of herself and thorough. There were two areas of concern. One was on the right side of what is left of my thyroid and where the ENT specialist had suspected there to be something. The other place was on the left side of my throat under my jaw in my lymph gland. There was a bigger nodule there surrounded by smaller ones. The radiologist only took a biopsy of the one in my thyroid, but noted the position and the size of the other ones. 

My sister had gone with me and was already planning ahead. If I have cancer, and if it has metastasized, she will move in with me and take care of me. Since she is a very competent woman, I have no doubt that she will do a very good job at that. It will solve all kinds of problems for me as well as for her, so we kill two flies with one stone. Not to be morbid or anything.

Much to my relief, the pain medication has started to work and I am beginning to feel better. I can not tell you how much that helps me and I would hate to have to do without. I am so glad that my GP sees the importance of it and allows me to use this strength. Pain does not make a good bed partner, as they say. It does not make a good partner period. 

My friend M has a cyst on her pancreas and as far as I know, there are going to be some more tests, although I could not get a very clear answer on this from her. She seemed to think it was the result of a medication that she was taking and that it would be taken care of with other medicines and a diet. I owe you a better explanation than this, so I will let you know when I have it. 

And many others...

If God exists the way we imagine him to in the western world, he has a wicked sense of humor because something is the matter with the pancreas of my friend M. The values that measure if there is, are way too high and she is having an echo done today. Of course, one thinks of the worst without actually mentioning it. Let's hope it is just an acute case of pancreatitis and not something more malignant. I am keeping my fingers crossed, for her more than me, because somehow this seems more severe. More than anything I want this outcome to be good. I can handle whatever is wrong with me, but not what may be wrong with her. And that is not because I am such a Pollyanna. 

I would light multiple candles in the Our Dear Lady Chapel if I had any faith in it, but because I am not a true believer, I think our dear lady will see through my scheme and not grant my wishes. I remember well the one time that I fervently prayed in a little church and that (to my horror later on) my wish was granted, and ever since then I know you should be careful of what you wish for. It may not always be the best thing in the scheme of things and be a terrible upset in the larger plan of your life. If it is not supposed to be, do not wish for it wholeheartedly. It is better to leave things up to fate. 

I am having my own echo and biopsy done today, but it hardly seems important, although I know it is. When I got up out of bed, I tried to pretend that nothing was the matter with me and that I had no symptoms at all. I acted like everything was a figment of my imagination and that it had merely gotten out of hand. If I keep convincing myself of that, I bet I will be as good as new in no time. The mind is stronger than the body, after all. Maybe I can talk myself into being healthy again and not be in need of any medical care and tests at all. I will tell myself that we are all lost souls on the wrong path and that we will soon find our way again. 

What excellent ideas I have sometimes.