Would you believe that?

Would you believe that with every cup of coffee I drink, I am getting more and more sleepy? I don't know how that is possible either, but there you have it. I will have to stop drinking it if this is the case. I can hardly keep my eyes open now and I am not planning on going to sleep yet. I really hope that if I ingest enough caffeine, the effects will cancel each other out and that I will be perfectly fit in a while. That could be so much wishful thinking, however. I am not so good at chemistry. 

The Cowboy and I watched the Netherlands beat Australia in a World Cup match, but only barely so because they did not play a good game and I thought they were going to lose. The score was 3-2, so you see it was close. The Cowboy had on an orange t-shirt and an orange hat, so was completely dressed for it and loudly cheered on the Dutch team. I was a bit more cynical than that, but then the Dutch always are about themselves. We did not deserve to win it, that's how badly we played. 

I saw the physiotherapist this morning and he manhandled both the sore spots in my back which felt real great while he was doing it. Of course, that good feeling did not last long and by the time I was home, the pain had returned. Luckily by then, the pain medication was working, so not all was bad. I do have to keep seeing the silver lining. 

The flower shop is beside the physiotherapy clinic and when I was done, I bought a big primula in a pot for one of the windowsills in the living room. I wanted something cheerful there right beside my armchair, so I had to get something that flowered. It gets enough sunlight there, so it ought to do well. That, along with the sunflowers that the Cowboy bought, make the living room look like the outdoors. 

I have to stop sitting here now as this position is not that comfortable. Maybe I will go to bed now and get up later in the night again. I do look forward to the quiet hours on my own, as usual. 

Freshly brewed coffee

I think sometimes I am going slightly mad, but I may be forgiven because I have a lot on my plate right now. I am assuming a lot without actually knowing anything and preparing myself for the worst. What sort of condition is that to live under? I wish I could turn back time and start with a clean slate, but if I could do that, I would wish for my body to be clean and whole again. And so I would end up infinitely wishing for something, until I had gone back in time far enough and became unborn, and that is the same thing as dying. Isn't that everyone's final destination? Why should I be different? 

The new pain medication is not working as well as I had hoped and that is a bit of a disappointment. I think I am just going to have to get used to the fact that I have pain. I will always be in search of the most comfortable position, but not be able to find it. That is an excellent metaphor for life. Looking for comfort and never being able to quite find it for a long enough time, but being awfully happy for those short times when I do. That is the the way I have experienced life anyway. Life has been lived on a slant with many ups and downs. I will make sure I sit on top of the hill at the end. 

I am speaking prematurely again and have no business to. It is like I am full of premonitions. The potential outcome would be easier to ignore if it were not for the pain. That is the thing that is hardest to ignore. 

I suppose that I feel the urge to write a lot in order to share my thoughts because there is comfort in that. Especially when I sit here in the middle of the night and all is quiet. I still am ready for whatever kind of day is ahead and have not stopped feeling the excitement that comes with that. Everything is still possible and the possibilities are still (in a way) endless. The fat lady has not sung yet. 

Too short for my chair

This morning I called the doctor's office because my back was bothering me too much to wait until the afternoon. I have found out that in order to get what you want, you have to be assertive and go after it, even if it means making a pest of yourself. I ended up getting an appointment almost immediately and this way I could inform my GP about what I had been up to this past week. He would have gotten a report at some later stage but now he knows a bit sooner. He showed great concern and entered all the information into my dossier and then we got down to the business I had , come for.

I asked him for stronger pain medication for my back and he did take that seriously. He found one that is an opiate, but one that will not interfere too much with the other medications that I take. I took a pill this afternoon and after having had to wait some time, it does seem to be doing the job now without making me feel drowsy. Of course we were both thinking the same thing and that is, that if I do have thyroid cancer, that this pain could be due to metastasis. But that is thinking way ahead of things, although it is the thought that is crossing everyone's mind.

The biopsy is going to be done this Thursday morning, and because of that, I had to reschedule the follow up appointment to Wednesday next week when the outcome will be known. It doesn't really matter anymore to me when what happens, as long as I know that something does. I hate being idle and not knowing what the plan is. I have to have the feeling that there is movement in the situation and that everybody is on the ball.

I often have a hard time eating and drinking because of choking problems. I don't think I will be going to any restaurants now. I do like to eat and I do get hungry, so it is not as if I reject food. And lord knows that I am always thirsty. I just have to do these activities at home only with the greatest of care, and even then.

Fare thee well

The radiologist who made the echo, wants to compare the results of it with the results of the CT-scan and make a decision about where the best spot is to do a biopsy. This will take place Tuesday or Wednesday, before my follow up appointment on Thursday anyway. So you see, I have to be patient just a bit longer, while I thought I would have all the tests behind me by now. And so it is, I hurry up and wait, but isn't that the way life goes? I shouldn't complain too much, though, because so far, everything is going fairly smoothly and all my appointments happen on time.  The system is kind and efficient, as it should be. We are all very Dutch in this.

The Cowboy gets to see how the health care system works here and so far he is impressed with it and it will give him a good idea of how the Affordable Care Act would work in his country because it is very similar. He was somewhat negative about it when he first got here, but I think he may have changed his mind now. 

I called the GP's office yesterday afternoon for stronger painkillers for my back, but the assistant sounded very doubtful about that possibility. She said that I would be moving into the opiates then and, of course, I know nothing about that as I am not the doctor. I am merely asking for help. The painkiller I have now works insufficiently, that is all I know. The assistant asked me what was wrong with my back and all I could tell her was that this was something I would like to know too. The doctor is supposed to solve that mystery. It is very strange sometimes how the medical world works. They want the patient to come up with the answers. I am supposed to diagnose myself?

What I appreciate more than anything is competence so I don't have to do any guess work myself. I want to feel that I am in safe hands with someone who is much more knowledgeable than I am. If I could be granted that wish, I would be much contented. No matter what the outcome. 

Shit happens too

It has not been the greatest of days, but I will blame it on the fact that initially I had a shortage of sleep and a very sore back. I got up early in the morning and had not really slept enough, but because I worry about things, I was unable to get enough rest. On top of that, my back was bothering me something awful no matter what I did, and the only way I could get comfortable was to lie down on my right side on the sofa. I should be glad that there is a comfortable position at least, so I do get some relief.

I dragged myself through the day, but could not get over the lack of sleep until later this evening when I lied down on the sofa and fell into a deep sleep for at least two hours. The Cowboy made sure that Tyke did not bother me, because he tried to keep wanting to wake me up by licking my face. I felt so much better after that long nap and emotionally I was in much better shape too. Just before I lied down, I had been about to become depressed. Things were to the point that they overwhelmed me. 

Sleep is always very restorative and just the thing that I need many times to keep me from going off the deep end. Many a good nap saves my sanity. When in doubt, go to sleep. 

I have ordered a taxi to take the Cowboy and me to the hospital for the tests tomorrow, as I will be unable to ride my bike there and my sister is tied up all day. I very much want to get the tests over and done with because it will be several more steps closer to solving the mystery of what is the matter with me. After that will come three days of waiting for the appointment to hear the outcome, but I will have to be patient. I am a bit of a nervous wreck while trying to maintain my composure at the same time. 

The Cowboy is a huge help and automatically steps in wherever I drop the ball. I don't have to worry about a thing. Everything gets taken care of and he tells me to take advantage of the fact that he is staying with me right now. Fate would have it that he is here at this time. The planning could not have been better. It is really serendipitous how life works out. 

Whatever happens, I will not have a defeatist attitude, unless I am really wrong about myself. 

The spirit of the moment

I have decided to only smoke outside anymore, thereby cutting down drastically on the amount of cigarettes I smoke. I started this yesterday morning and it is working out well. I don't have to keep the windows wide open anymore, which is good, because the weather has cooled down a bit and it was getting a bit nippy in here. We also don't have to keep the little fan blowing and that is a bit of a relief too, because it was giving the Cowboy chilled legs (he did insist on wearing shorts). 

Smoking much less has not made me cough less, but I think that is because of what is the matter with my throat, and I do still keep choking on the liquids I drink. It has now become a predictable part of my routine and I am fully prepared for it and always have a towel handy for spillage. I have found out that it is better if I do not drink anything carbonated, so cola light is off the menu. Cold lemonade with ice cubes however is on it, but I did have to find that out the hard way. 

I am now sitting up in the middle of the night the way I used to and have not for a while. It is nice to be back to my old routine and have this little bit of time on my own without any interruptions. Not that I am complaining about the Cowboy's presence because I am more than happy with it. But sometimes it is pleasant to sit by yourself for a while and be alone with your own thoughts. I have a lot on my mind right now and need the silence to let things settle in and the space to think about everything. I may be worrying for nought, but I want to be prepared for whatever may come. 

One thing I am not doing is artificially altering my state of mind by drinking a lot of coffee and getting a high out of it. I also take a very low dose sleeping pill so I am not very drowsy when I get up from bed. I am not going from one extreme to another, although I have to admit that last night when I wrote my last post, I was under the influence of the sleeping pill, but I had gotten up way too soon. I was in a bit of a tizzy and could not sleep at all having just heard the news about my health. Whatever that encompasses, because I really know very little as of yet. 

I think I will do something as mundane as think about what I am going to wear tomorrow and let that be my greatest concern. That will be my outfit for the day after it too. It has to be something that is comfortable and easy to get in and out of and not too bright of color because I feel kind of muted. I have been veering towards more muted colors lately and they fit my state of mind better. Not that I am down in the dumps, not at all. I just don't feel that it is necessary to stand out and make a statement. I don't actually have one to make. Blending into the background is more my style right now.