That's what the touble is!

I seem to be doing a bit better tonight compared to yesterday but I think that part of the problem is the sleeping pill I take before I go to bed at night. I think it is a little bit too strong and it may be a good idea to start cutting down on it. When I wake up from it, I am very much under the influence of it but I mean more so now that I don't smoke anymore. I will have to call my psychiatrist on Monday to get the lower dose capsule. He will be glad about that anyway because he thinks the less medicine, the better, especially the kind like sleep medication which is addictive. 

The Thought Field Exercises are helping me very much get through the slightly tougher moments, although I have to say that those aren't really all that bad. I only had a really bad moment when the Exfactor was here yesterday and he got on my nerves. At that point the craving for a cigarette became big but I managed to suppress it amd do my exercises after he had left and I also took Tyke for a walk and that normalized me very quickly again. 

After that I busied myself with making dinner and that took enough of my time to get my mind on something else all together. I fixed some fish to see if quiting smoking had improved the state of my stomach but I am afraid that it has not. Tyke appreciated the fish very much, though, and ate at least half of it. I ate enough of it to know I should not. but I can eat lots of potatoes and vegetables and also had bananas and rhubarb compote. Oh yum!

Drinking coffee is much less interesting when you do not smoke and only very briefly serves a function. It is to wake you up a bit but that is where its usefulness ends. Well, coffee and cugarettes do go together, I suppose, and if you take one of these away, the other one doesn't have much reason to keep existng in your life either. One mug is really more then enough to get the show on the road. I do not need multiples of it now anymore.

Yes, I always say these things with much conviction until I do not manage anymore and need to adjust my life style again. And I will be able to justify that as much as well and make it sound perfectly rational and resoanable. 

Do not let me get away with it this time!

What was I saying again?

Since I stopped smoking 38 hours ago I have become very absent minded  and a bit scatter brained because of the lack of nicotine. It is not that I actively miss the nicotine, or crave it, but it seems to be taking my brain some time to get used to functioning without it. It is a very funny experience because I am usually so focused and on the ball and now I am more like I was when I was a kid when I was daydreaming a lot and forgetful and oblivious of time passing.

I am sure that I will get over this in a couple of days, at least, I am planning on it. I don't want to stay like this forever because it is a bit of a bother. I don't feel that I can gather my thoughts together well enough to have a decent conversation. The hypno-therapist had told me that there would be some adjustment of the chemicals in my brain but I did not know what to expect. 

Our session went very well and without going into too many details, I can tell you that the exercises that I learned are very helpful and that I apply them a lot any time of the day I feel like because they are easy and quick to do and they really help whenever I feel a liitle stress.  They are called Thought Field Therapy and really work for me.

The hypno-therapy also went well but I will not say anything about that except to say that it helped me a lot. This experience is too personal and, I am sure, different for everybody. It is not something scary that happens to you and you do remember everything that happens and nothing will happen that you do not want to. It is a perfectly alright process. 

You would not believe how long it has taken me to write this little bit of text. Now I remember why I did not get things done in school on time. 

I better quit this post but at least you are all up to date.

The transformation.

Today will be the last day that I smoke and I have been very consciously aware of this day coming up for a week and looking forward to it. I think I am more than ready to quit this addiction and can not wait for my hypno-therapy session tomorrow morning. I will smoke my last cigarette before I go to sleep tonight and fill a plastic bag with the remains of the tobacco and filter tubes. For good measure, I am also going to toss in the little gadget that helps me make the cigarettes because I will not be needing it anymore. 

I will be airing out the apartment immediately by opening all the windows during the night and getting as warm as possible under the duvet in the cold air. Of course that will be after I have cleaned all the ashtrays and put them away. I have thought all of this through and am mentally well prepared. I have made the announcement that I am going to quit smoking with the help of hupno-therapy to whoever wanted to hear it so I am completely committed. If I fail to do this now, it will look very bad for me. 

The new winter coat I ordered was delivered yesterday evening and it turned out to be a very fashionable one which should not have surprised me considering the brand it is. It is actually kind of sexy, if winter coats can be that, and it looks quite alluring when I wear it with my jeggings and my ankle boots with high heels. I had not really counted on that look but I am quite pleased with it and I think it will be perfect to wear when I am in Texas where it will be autumn like weather while I am there. 

 For a minute or so I panicked because I thought there were no pockets in it and I just could not imagine that and started to think that I would have to send the coat back. Then I discovered them well hidden with zippers on them but big enough to keep all sorts of stuff in. I guess a fashionably made coat has hidden pockets so as to not spoil the design. 

I am more than ready to go to Texas but I suppose I will use the time that is remaining before I go to take care of the last minute details. However, there really is not that much left to do because I am very organized and have taken care of most of the things I had to do.

I ordered two books that I want to read on the airplane. They are by a Flemish writer who just won the Dutch Art of Letters Award that was awarded by the queen. He is a writer and a poet and a journalist and I have a book of poetry and a diary. that should be interesting to read. I, in my ignorance, had never heard of him so this is going to be a whole new experience for me that I am looking forward to. His name is Leonard Nolens. 

I have to go see my contact person at Social Services this morning and let him know the state of affairs of my life and if I am still deserving of my monthly allowance or if I should be having a full time job by now. Considering the jobless rate fro people over 55 and age driscimination, which is rampant, this would make for an interesting situation. Wish me luck.

That is also worth shining your light on.

Winter has truly arrived and yesterday it snowed for a long time although it did not stay on the ground. I was glad about that because that would have meant ice and a slippery sidewalk to walk on and boots with profiled soles to wear and those are not at all fashionable. Yes, I am vain. 

The snow did stay on the ground in the hills and my personal helper, who lives there, took the bus into town because she does not trust her her station car to take her safely up and down the windy roads. She arrived here dressed as if she was ready for a polar expedition.

I do have to say that I get very cold also and I have come to the conclusion that my winter coat is not at all warm enough because I shiver in it. I think this is due to the fact that I am so skinny now and have no fat on my bones to insulate me. 

Keeping this in mind, I went on line to look for winter coats on sale and found one of a brand of clothing that I like very much and ordered it and it will be here tonight. I hope this coat is a lot warmer and that I ordered the right size. The drawback is that it has no hood to pull over my head when it snows or rains.

I will have to go out and buy a fashionable hat now anyway to keep my head protected and one that does not easily get blown off. I have a snow hat but I do not like to wear it because it ruins my hairdo. I will only wear it in the most dire of circumstances. 

I had an enormous appetite for dinner last night and made extra food and found out that I can eat lots of green beans which I like a lot. After I had three plates of food, I discovered I had room for more and had a banana and a tall glass of fruit juice. I can only assume that my metabolism is back to normal because this is how I have eaten most of my life and never gained weight with.

In a previous life, I went out to restaurants a lot at any time of the day and never worried about what I ordered from the menu. I had whatever meal I wanted and did not count calories. However, I never ordered dessert and I never ate between meals. I never ate cookies or chocolate or any other kind of junkfood. 

I think I am still sleepy enough to go back to bed for a while. Today is not going to be an awfully exciting day. It will be what I make of it myself. I am in charge of it.

What does not hurt you.

It has pretty much been a lazy weekend but for some reason it did go by quickly and I was never bored. I rediscovered some of my old CDs and listened to them and was both amused and impressed by what I used to think was great music. Of course this stuff is ancient because I hardly have bought anything new in a long time. I did forget how much I like Johnny Cash and am planning on getting more of his CDs and will try to make them recordings of live concerts because I think those are the most exciting. He did have such a nice voice and rapport with the audience. The music of Johnny Cash has been around as long as I can remember. 

There was speed skating on and I was a bit more excited about it this time because I have got to know the skaters a bit better and now have expectations and can actually start rooting for them. I even enjoyed watching the 10 K which is an awfully long race but there is a new generation of young skaters that is doing amazing things and needs to be kept an eye on. 

Of course, the most exciting thing that was on was the program showing the highllghts of the honor's division football games and that is a very exciting battle also with several teams fighting for first place and things changing all the time depending on games played and lost and won.

I had thought about taking Tyke for a long walk on Sunday but it was actually too cold to do so. There was a strong wind blowing and it was best to stay sheltered by buildings as much as possible. Maybe I do not have a warm enough winter coat. I will find that out when it gets even colder. There was snow in the hills but we did not get any down here yet much to my relief. It was the first snow of the season in the country and news worthy. It made me feel extra cold just to watch it being reported on the news but I do not have any fat on my body to keep me warm. 

I am more than ready for the coming week and all that it will bring. I will move into it with grace and serenity and be prepared to do whatever I need to do. I am ready for the challenge. I am also ready for another jar of rhubarb compote.

Allow me to indulge.

There is a true pleasure in indulging in cups of coffee and cigarettes early in the morning but I do have to keep in mind that very soon I am going to give up one of these. I must not lose sight of that goal and mentally stay prepared for it and keep having the right attitude. Right now I am enjoying myself so much that it feels that I could do these two things endlessly but of course that is not true. Another sort of reality will soon be my share. 

I do have to keep in mind that I will trade one reality for another and that it will not be the battle I sometimes imagine it will be. It will just be another way of getting through time and of drinking a cup of coffee and the coffee will taste just as good and have the same effect. I will not be a poor, forsaken woman who has had to give up one of her pleasures. I will be a liberated human being who is set free of a bad addiction and who will move freely through life without having to carry out a subversive activity.

The problem is that I associate smoking a cigarette with moments of contentment and I have to get that deep seated idea out of my head. I have lots of moments when I do not smoke that are equally happy and I have to keep them in mind. I must not associate smoking with happiness because the reality of smoking is actually much more dire than that. The reality is easily swept under the carpet but if I am honest, it would put the fear of God in my heart. Because really, on all fronts, what am I doing to myself?

Yesterday, when I was at the grocery store in the canned and jarred  fruit and vegetable section, I discovered jars of rhubarb compote and I thought they might be a good alternative to apple sauce which I can not eat. I took a small jar home with me and had it for lunch and I have to say that it tasted delicious and agreed with me very well. I guess I have found another food to indulge in every now and then. It helps if you take your time and look around when you are doing the groceries. My mother used to fix rhubarb compote when I was a kid all the time and I had forgotten how much I liked it.

I did not have my glasses with me and could not read the labels on the other jars of fruit compote but I will bring them the next time to make sure there is no apple in them and try some of them also. I have a big desire to indulge in them to satisfy my sweet tooth and get some other vitamins and minerals in at the same time. I think it is an excellent way to eat and have an enjoyable time too. When I look back on my lunch, I feel hungry for it all over again. 

Vegetables I balked at when I was a kid, but now like very much, are Brussel sprouts. I remember sitting over a plate of cold ones having to eat every one of them and physically being unable to. I do not know if that made me overcome my dislike of them but I do enjoy eating them a lot now. I like their shape and their texture besides liking their taste. A little nutmeg on top of them makes them even better. I bought a jar of them too yesterday and will have them for dinner tonight even though they give me gas. It is a musical vegetable for me. 

The day is starting bright and early and full of promise. Anything that can go right, will go right. That is a rule.