How I deal with it.

I do most of my communicating about my journey with cancer on Facebook and I have a tone of voice there that is lighthearted and humorous because that is how I deal with all of this in real life. I can't seem to find that tone of voice here in this blog and I have been more and more reluctant to sit down and write anything about what I am going through. 

I do not want to rehash every detail of every test and treatment and procedure in this blog when the people who are interested already are reading about them on Facebook. There are maybe a few of you that I am not Facebook friends with, but that is easily solved by getting in contact with me and exchanging names. Not many people leave comments on my posts, so I can only assume that there is not enough interest to want to know how the rest of the story unfolds. 

If you only want to exchange email addresses, than that is fine too. I'd be happy to start up a correspondence that way. As long as I have the time and energy, I am willing to spend them on a good cause. 

For now, I am saying goodbye to this blog, but if I survive my bout with cancer, I may some day come back to it. The future is too uncertain for me to predict. 

An honest attempt

I will try to write a blog post but you will only know about that fact if you find something written here in the morning. I am awfully tired and it is in the middle of the night, but I am not in the mood to go to bed. I am forcing myself to stay awake, not by drinking cups of coffee, because they don't agree much with me anymore, but by drinking tall glasses of lemonade and having some small snacks to eat every once in a while. I am trying to get my energy out of small sources of sustenance like cup of soup. These agree with me most these days. 

Between the Exfactor and the Cowboy I have been eating a lot of sweets lately in the form of cake and pie and chocolate and I have had more than my share of them and , besides, I think they are not good for me to eat. I think these two men had the silent agreement to try to make my life as pleasant as possible by feeding me junk food, but I have to tell you that this idea backfired and I now can not see another piece of chocolate. I am dying to eat healthy foods in the form of whole wheat sandwiches and fruit. It is a good thing that the Cowboy is leaving to go back to the States this weekend, because my digestive system would not survive anymore of this onslaught. 

The Cowboy has come down with a cold and is trying very hard not to contaminate me. We have disinfecting hand gel and Dettol tissues and wash our hands often. We are also keeping at a healthy distance from each other. In another week, my immune system will be at its weakest, but he will be gone by then, It will be a time when I will have to be careful. I am still clearing my throat a lot and am still very hoarse. That has not improved. I suppose I will have to be patient. 

I will go to bed now simply because I have to be sensible. I do need to get some sleep if I am going to function tomorrow. 

Got that done too

I successfully rounded off the first set of chemotherapy yesterday morning without getting sick from it at all, so I am much relieved about that. Whatever medicines I got to prevent that from happening, worked and now I can only hope that they will keep working for the two remaining sets that I have coming up. I have been told that every experience is different and to not count my blessings ahead of time. You know, of course, that I will do that anyway being the optimist that I am. 

I was called yesterday and told that the preamble to my radiation therapy is starting this coming monday with an interview and another pet scan to establish the exact location of the tumors in my lymph system.  Measurements will be made so that the radiation can be directed exactly at these locations and not a millimeter away from them so as to spare as much healthy tissue. Each time I get radiated, I will have to be in the same position that I was in before. 

The radiation starts on the 28th of July and will take place in the morning and the evening and itself only lasts a few minutes. It is getting into the right position that is crucial. I will go home between these two sessions. I have transportation arranged that is paid for by my health insurance company. I have been told that the radiation therapy with zap my energy and I am getting 39 days of it. That, along with the chemo, will have me worn out in no time, I think. 

Because the weather has been so hot, it has been uncomfortable to wear scarfs, and at home I walk around with a bare head. When I go out, I wear a cap, but yesterday I ordered some light weight knit hats that should get here today.  They were on sale and come in very bright colors like apple green and orange-pink. I think I will be happy with them for every day use and leave the scarfs for special occasions when I want to get dressed up. Having a bare head feels the best, but I realize I have to keep it covered up a bit so as to not be too confronting. The Cowboy did discover a widow's peak yesterday and told me that was something special. 

I have to enjoy these three days that I have coming up that are going to be relatively quiet and uneventful and then all hell breaks loose. I am going to have to be ready as I will ever be.

And so I arrive on day two

I think it is more than time to write a post that informs you about how things are going with me right now. I had been so dreading the chemotherapy, that I did not feel up to writing much at all. I would start to write a post, but then get stuck for the right words about one third of the way down and end up deleting it. I was worried that the chemo was going to make me feel very sick, having been warned by the chemo nurse that this could very well happen. Actually, I was prepared for it to and was not very excited about going into the hospital.

Imagine my surprise when I did not get sick at all! When that overnight stay at the hospital turned into a little holiday. It was like staying at a luxury hotel and I have to find out where to get a bed as comfortable. I got my three square meals a day and for hospital food, they tasted fine. The nurses were very friendly and were very competent at their job.

Of course, I was there to be treated for cancer, so it really was not like a holiday. But at least it was not the traumatic experience it could have been and I am grateful for that. I am home again now, after also having the MRI scan made of my brain today, and I am in good shape. Tomorrow morning I have to go get one more chemo treatment and then I have to wait eighteen days until the next ones. All my blood levels will have to be good for me to be able to do the next series. During the second ones, the radiation therapy will start.

I really am in fairly good shape, mentally as well. I have physical pain, but the pain medication works pretty good. There usually is some blessing to count and as a rule I feel real good at the end of the day. I make sure that I take advantage of that.

On an unstoppable train

It has been decided by the team of specialists that the very huge enlarged lymph node by my left lung, is really the primary tumor and is actually in my lung. I will be getting the treatment assuming that this is the case, because any less would soon mean the end of me. I will start the first set of chemotherapy this coming Tuesday and will have three days of it with one night in the hospital. Then I will have eighteen days off while my blood count goes back to normal. When it is, I will have another three days of chemotherapy and at that time the radiation therapy will also start. 

I will have three sets of chemotherapy and thirty days of radiation therapy when I will have to go into the hospital in the morning and in the evening to get a dose. Then I will have nine days when I will get a single dose every day. This is providing that I react well to everything and that it can all go according to schedule. Nobody said that this is going to cure me and I think I have to assume that it will possibly not. My survival chance is 25%. That is not very high.

The specialist in charge of my case is very good and she gives me a lot of confidence. I think I am in good hands. Yesterday, I also met the chemo nurse and the radiologist and I am equally impressed with them. Everything that is going to happen has been explained to me and also what the effects of the two therapies are going to be on my body besides hopefully destroying the cancer. It certainly is not going to be a party and I am in for some interesting times. I am, however, not scared and I know that this needs to be done. There is no other choice. 

Next week there is also going to be an MRI scan made of my brain to see if there is metastasis there. I am very much afraid that there is and that this is what the problem was with my eye. I see on photos of myself that my right eye droops a bit. All I can do is hope that this is not true and that nothing will be found. 

My sister was on a mission, and that was to find a few scarves for me for when the chemotherapy started and my hair would fall out. I was thinking of some plain square scarves, but she came over today with two large beautiful square ones that have the most wonderful colors. I took one and without looking in a mirror, tied it very elegantly around my head. It was such a success that I decided that I would not wait for my hair to fall out in bits and pieces, but that we should shave it off then and there. The Cowboy and my sister shaved it off in two stages (the Cowboy did the precision work) and now I have a bald head that is nicely wrapped in a beautiful scarf. 

Today was an exhausting day because I had to process so much information and make note of so many dates and details. It is a good thing that I am not trying to do this all by myself. I am using my very large coffee table as a work surface to keep all my papers pertaining to the cancer organized on. I still think that I am forgetting things and have to keep checking them. 

The Cowboy makes sure that there are always fresh flowers around which cheer up the living room tremendously. It is such a nice space to be in. We really do take our rest there when we get a break. I suppose I ought to go to bed now, but I like this bit of time by myself late at night. Outside there is a thunderstorm and it is very cozy in here. Regardless, I will say goodnight. 

The tricky parts

I am becoming familiar with more of the different emotional stages of living with cancer and today it was the sad, grieving stage while I have already had an angry one. No doubt these will repeat themselves and there will be others I go through. I can not yet imagine what they will be, but I am not that curious that I let loose my imagination to try to figure them out ahead of time. I can wait until they happen naturally. 

I must say, though, that while I go through such a stage, I do work out some problem or other that needs to get solved, so they can be productive as well as bothersome. It isn't all bad. But don't ask me to repeat that while I am in the depths of one, because I will deny it. The good thing is that I am not on my own, but that I have the Cowboy's shoulder to cry on and that he very willingly let's me. I have told him that he doesn't need to solve anything for me, but just listen to me go on and on and so he does. 

Tyke becomes confused and tries to find comfort also, but doesn't quite know where to find it, so I have to make sure that at some point I pay attention to him and reassure him. He is more than willing to let that happen to him and have his belly rubbed. The poor animal didn't sign up for any of this to happen to him. But then again, neither did I. 

We haven't seen Gandhi since early this afternoon when my sister's dog scared the living daylights out of her and she disappeared outside somewhere. The dog has been gone for hours, but Gandhi has not yet come back. It may take a while before she does. 

When the pain medication wears off in the afternoon before it is time to take the next dose, I have discovered that I can take 1,000 mg of paracetamol and that will help in the meantime. I will discuss this with my GP when he next comes over, which should be at the end of this week. I will call the practice in the morning and make the appointment. 

Where the best people go

I had a less terrific day than I did yesterday and I am glad that I have this blog to complain about it in, because in real life I don't. I had more pain and was more tired, and I choked on whatever I had to drink more often. That has left me somewhat frustrated, but I was able to solve the resulting low spot in the late afternoon very adequately and for that I am proud of myself. I took all my medications a lot sooner and I ate a lot earlier and I recovered and felt better quicker. 

I felt so good, that after the rainstorm, I took Tyke for a walk and it felt good to be out there in the much cooler world, The mugginess was gone and it was actually kind of chilly outside. I wore my leather jacket and that was not a luxury, but it was the kind of temperature that I am comfortable with. I always think that it kills whatever germs float around and because I am going to have chemotherapy, I am going to be especially aware of those. Chemotherapy plays havoc with your immune system, so you have to avoid coming in contact with sick people specifically and bacteria and viruses in general. 

I think I got through to the Cowboy how much his presence here means to me and what a difference it makes in me being able to accept the fact that I have cancer. I have short periods of time when the sheer horror of it stares me right in the face and it scares the hell out of me. I am sure that if the Cowboy were not around, I would have many more of those moments. It is his sanity that keeps me sane. I am not surrounded by people who have their shit together and I would be faced with their issues also if it were not for him. I think he appreciates that fact because he is witness to it. 

I know that I am a tough broad, and that as a rule I can reason my way through my problems, but that does not mean that I do not also feel my emotions very intensely. I have to deal with them in a rational way and not let them get the better of me. I have all sorts of tricks to make it through the day when it gets rough, so things don't always come easy, although it looks that way. I can have the outward appearance of total calm and be inwardly boiling like a hot kettle. Maybe it would be a good idea to take the lid off every once in a while. Probably nothing really too awful would happen. 

I have turned analytical and that was not my intention. I wanted to keep it light, but there you have it. And now we await Monday and the new week when everything will start up again. It is as if duty calls us and we have to get back to our jobs. The weekend was the interlude we needed.

On the opposite side of life

I want to live on the opposite side of my cancer and not embrace the fact that I have it at all. I will acknowledge it, but not identify with it and and become one with it like some self help books suggest that you do. And even if I say I acknowledge it, I only do so barely with hardly an introduction at all. I will keep myself busy with it on the days that I have appointments and treatments, but the rest of the time, I will try to put it out of my mind. Except for when I sit down to write about it here, of course. I do need to vent about it now and then. 

I am not planning on having long discussions about my cancer with other people or to bring it up in a conversation unless there is no other way around it. I will not choose it as a subject to talk about. There are several other things I do as a rule not talk about, so I do have some practice at this. You would be surprised at how easy it is not to talk about things. 

I am so sure about this because this is my state of mind now, but it could change, of course. That is still a woman's prerogative the last time I looked. Maybe that is a prejudiced point of view and it is a man's prerogative also. 

In the morning I want to wake up and get out of bed and think about my first cup of coffee. That's what  I want to be on my mind and I am going to make damn sure that it is. I want to enjoy all the good days that I have and especially every moment that is pain free and I am not going to waste my time sitting around moping because I have cancer. It is just like any other illness nowadays and it doesn't necessarily have to kill me. It is possible that I am in denial, but I would not be better of if I were not. 

Besides, I promise not to be in denial on the days that I have the appointments and the treatments. I will be as engaged as I can be and ask questions and look things up. 

Walking to which beat?

I am trying to live my life in a more normal manner as if I only have cancer part time on the days that I have appointments. I am getting fed up with having cancer and I don't like to be reminded of it too much. It is bad enough that it is almost the first thing that I think of in the morning when I wake up, because I do have to remind myself initially of what is wrong. 

I have grown tired of having to tell people what is wrong with me and have developed a very shortened version of how to explain it. Nobody listens well in the first place and usually I have to repeat myself, so it is better if I do that in as short a manner as possible. It is also strange how everyone wants to have an opinion on it, as if cancer is something you can critique. 

The oddest thing is, how people want to own my cancer as if it belongs to them and it is afflicting them.  I don't even get to own my own cancer and decide how I feel about it. Everybody else wants to decide that for me. The only person who does not waltz over me like that is the Cowboy. He has the most delicate and sensible way of letting me deal with it myself.

I have a heck of a hard time in the late afternoon and early evening and have decided that I need to move up the time when I take all my medicines by an hour. I start feeling very low around 4 pm, so that is when I need to take my regular medicines from now on. This is also when the pain medication starts to wear off, but I have to wait a couple of more hours to take the next pills. I also have to make the time when I take them an hour earlier at least. 

The Cowboy buys interesting food for me so that I will be excited about eating and so that my stomach will not protest. He reminded me that the reason I am losing weight is because I am feeding a cancer at the same time. I have to think about nutrition especially now. I have to eat dinner earlier in the day and not wait for the conventional time to come around. There are all of these little rules that I have to break. I have to reinvent my day. 

I am sure that everyone with cancer has their own unique experience and that everyone has to invent their own way of how to deal with it. I am by no means an expert. I have only known for a short time that I have it, but I am learning an awful lot in that very short time. So far, they are only wisdoms that apply to me and maybe they will always be. I can only write down what I feel as it happens to me. 

Let me think about that

Although I disagree with the diagnosis, I was told that I have non small cell lung cancer in the lymph nodes around my lungs, but not in the lungs themselves. I may also have the same type of cancer in the lymph nodes of my thyroid, or it could be a different type of cancer all together. The oncologists are going to debate about this a bit more. Depending on that outcome, I have either stage 3 or stage 4 cancer, but it is called adenocarcinoma. The primary tumor was not found, but that happens sometimes. 

As far as I am concerned, I have lymph node cancer and I will put it to the specialist on Wednesday when my next appointment is. It may not change the treatment, which will consist of chemotherapy and radiation, but I would like for things to be called by their proper names. My lung specialist is in training and being guided by well educated and experienced oncologists, so I am sure I am in good hands, but I do want to have something to say about what is taking place myself. 

I have been known to be a stubborn Dutch woman and one has to come with good arguments and solid facts to convince me of something before I will stake a claim on it. I do good research myself and talk with other people who also may know a lot. 

After I had the appointment this afternoon, I was very angry at the world in general while I tried to give a place to everything I had heard. I am over that now and feel back to my old self who is more in charge again. I don't feel so helpless anymore. I don't feel that something is happening to me outside of my control, but I always feel better at night and maybe in the morning I will be angry again.

Like my daughter said to me so wisely today, there has to be room for all of my feelings and all of them are valid. I should not try to push one of them away in favor of another. That is not how it works. 

So, what's next?

I have started eating very uncomplicated food in smaller portions because that is what my stomach likes better. It wouldn't surprise if there was something wrong with it or my esophagus. Maybe I have metastases there as well, or maybe that is even where the primary tumor is. I will know on Thursday when I will get the results of the PET scan that was made this morning. I know nothing about it at this point, although everyone keeps asking me about it. The radiologist did not sit and discuss it with me afterwards!

The first thing I did when I came home, was make a pot of coffee because I was dying for a cup (no pun intended). I was not really hungry until much later and tried to eat two small wheat rolls with ham and cheese, but my eyes turned out to be bigger than my stomach and I had to give one roll to Tyke, cut up in bite sized pieces. He sure as heck was happy with that. I figured that he deserved something special too. So much is going on here lately and it is a lot to deal with for him too. 

Tomorrow the Cowboy is coming back from Rome and we all will be happy to see him, including Tyke. It feels like he has been gone for ages and I have missed him and his helping hands. Tyke will be thrilled because the Cowboy has become his real buddy and Tyke loves him as much as he loves me. 

It is now very quiet here after a very busy day of people coming and going. I did manage to take a one hour nap in the afternoon and find that I need more and more of them as I physically don't last as well as I used to. I am not that physically active now, but I do wear out quickly. I am also losing weight, but I have not been on the bathroom scale in a while. I will do that in the morning if I remember to. 

I suppose you could call this another one of those happy moments that I regularly have and they usually happen when everyone is gone and I am on my own with the animals and all is peaceful and quiet. If I were religious, I guess you could say that I was with God and maybe I am with my higher being now and that is where the sense of tranquility comes from. Maybe I do know God after all. It is here.

The PET scan

The PET scan is being done this morning at 10:15. For three hours beforehand, I can't eat or drink anything so that is going to be a bit tough. I will miss having my morning cup of coffee and the tall glass of ice cold lemonade that I always drink. But it is a small price to pay for the sake of finding out where the primary tumor is located and in how many places there are metastases. The scan will take about two hours and I will be more than ready for a cup of coffee after that. 

My GP came to visit me yesterday and we had a good conversation about everything a person with cancer should talk about. I had no problem speaking openly to him about what my prognosis could possibly be because I have metastases and the sort of treatment I could possibly expect. We also talked about euthanasia, which I don't want, and palliative care, which he provides. He and his colleague will be closely involved in my future life with cancer and it is good that he knows all my wishes. He is an amiable man and I think our co-operation will be fine. 

My daughter called and we talked about the fact that the primary tumor could be found some place other than in my lungs because nothing showed up there in the CT scan and it is strange that it didn't. It only showed tumors in the lymph glands and around the windpipe. Well, it is all speculation and the PET scan will tell the real story so I have to wait for the results of it. On Thursday I have an appointment with the lung specialist at the oncology center of the hospital. 

Although the pain medication works for the most part, I do have some pain now, but I don't care because it makes me feel alive. I would rather not be in a near coma from the medication. I prefer to feel some pain as long as it is not overwhelming. That makes sense, doesn't it? 

Contradictions...

I had a miserable afternoon of pain and nausea, but it is behind me now and after taking my pain medication, I can only say that I feel pretty darn good. It takes about an hour for it to work, but then it really does and I can be guaranteed to feel so much better. It is a difference between day and night and I would hate to do without it. God forbid that I should ever have to. 

I had a very nice morning because my sister took me for a drive in the nicest part of the province and when we got to the prettiest village, we parked the car and had coffee and pie on the terrace of a restaurant in the sunshine that just happened to be out. That was just before it started raining, so we were very lucky. The pie tasted homemade and was not too sweet and the serving was huge. 

For some reason, I got sick in the afternoon and I still have not worked out why that was. I was unable to use the iPad because every time I tried, I got sicker and a huge headache. I shut it off and have not used it since. I always sit in my big red armchair when I use it and maybe that is a problem. Maybe I hold my head at such an angle that a nerve is being pinched. I do not have that problem sitting here with the iMac at the computer table. 

The Exfactor treated me in the evening to Indonesian take out. By that time I was feeling better and in the mood for it. I had nasi goreng and pork satay and it tasted pretty darn good, although I could only eat half of it. I had no stomach problems afterwards, although I had been a bit afraid of that. Like I said, I feel good now and like I never felt any different. I am new to this disease called cancer and do not know all the ins and outs of it yet. 

I try to stay up later at night so that I do not go to sleep too early. I do not want to get up at all in the middle of the night but sleep through it. I get the best night rest that way than when it is broken up into halves. Who would have thought that I would ever sound so sensible? 

Sometimes you just feel that way

It is in the middle of the night and a while ago I talked to my daughter over the phone. Because of the time difference, and because she had been working all day long, this was the first opportunity we could talk in the last few days and I had been looking forward to it. We had a long conversation in which we talked about a lot of things that we found important now that I have lung cancer and my time is probably limited. 

We both wanted to say a lot of things to each other that we had not yet got around to and it was like we were in a rush to say them now. We actually will have all sorts of time to do that still, but it feels like we will run out of it. They were things that neither one of us had said to the other before and it is a shame that it has come to this before we do. But I am not complaining because it is good that we say them now. I am sure that we are going to do much more of this and I look forward to that. 

I am very proud of my daughter because she is the first woman in my family who has achieved full emancipation all on her own power. The place that she has reached in this world, she has reached by herself without anybody's help and I stand in full admiration of her. I am, without outwardly bragging about it, enormously proud of her and I told her so tonight. I do not know why this came as a surprise to her because it seems so matter of fact that I am. I hold her in very high regard. 

I now have to try to get some sleep or I will not be worth anything during the day. My sister and I are supposed to go for a ride with the car and have a coffee somewhere nice. She does take good care of me. I am not sleepy, but hopefully once I lie down in bed, sleep will come. I just took a paracetamol because my chest hurts. Maybe it will work in a little while. 

A nap would be good...

I was drinking coffee, but it wasn't doing me any good, so I switched to lemonade. We will see if that sparkling cold drink will make me more alert than I am now. I also had to take a paracetamol because I had a headache. This in spite of the fact that I had already taken my pain medicine. I think it is all in my head, no pun intended. 

For someone with what I assume is lung cancer, I am not doing too badly right now, but that is exactly because I have taken my pain medicine. Before I took it, I was not such a happy camper. I think the fact that it has a narcotic in it makes me all the more happy, and there is a heck of a difference after I have taken it. 

I get a real dip at the end of the afternoon and that is because the medicine has worn off and I need to take the next dose, but it is not time yet. I really have to wait twelve hours before I take it. I can't cheat. All of me suffers when it has worn off and my whole body hurts. 

My sister was over here twice today, once to do some cleaning, and a second time with some delicious take out food as a treat for us. She knows what I need and how to keep my mind distracted. She has enough energy for the both of us, so I don't have to feel bad for having so little. When it comes to that, I am going downhill. 

The Exfactor also came over and brought chocolate croissants again. I seem to do well on sweet food because it always peps me up a lot. I think the cancer drains my body of energy and the sugar resupplies it. I do also eat complex carbohydrates. A glass of lemonade does wonders for me, though, and I drink it ice cold very often. I may yet regain the weight that I lost. Coffee only does me good in the morning. The rest of the day it doesn't seem to do much for me. 

As soon as we have worked things out concerning my treatment plan and the prognosis, my daughter wants to come see me. In the meantime, she wants me to keep her informed down to the tiniest detail about how I am. I am doing my best to do that without making things sound dramatic. I try to be matter of fact about them and call everything by its right name. Cancer is cancer and pain is pain. I can't make it any nicer than that. I do use a somewhat cheerful tone of voice. If I can fool her with that.

I am not half asleep anymore and now I can stay up until it really is time to go to bed. I will be able to sleep until it is morning and not get up in the middle of the night. I like that so much better.

Not quite what I thought...

I called back the ENT specialist today because she had said that I could always call her if I had any questions. My calling her resulted in clearing up a major misunderstanding that I had. It turns out that I don't have a tumor by my thyroid but that all the tumors are in my lymph glands by my lungs and around my windpipe, and that they expect to find the primary tumor in my lungs. What that means, in other words, is that they think I have lung cancer. 

Considering that I already have metastasis, I know that makes the prognosis not so good, but I suppose I will not get ahead of things and wait until I have seen the lung specialist on Thursday. The PET scan is being done on Tuesday and that is when I will also have the blood work done. I think I am in stage IV, but I don't know the exact gradation. Only the specialist will be able to tell me after he has seen the PET scan and has talked to me. 

I went into mourning this afternoon and called my sister so I could cry on her shoulder. She very patiently let me. It was as though the gravity of the situation finally dawned on me. What a rude awakening that was. It sure hit me hard. By now I am okay again and know how to deal with it. I am over the shock. I realize that I will not have a long time to live and that I have to get out of life what I can while I can. It is as simple as that. 

I had a lot of pain in my back today and the pain medication was not working. In the afternoon I called the GP's office and asked for their help. The assistant called me back a while later to say that she had faxed a prescription for a stronger medication to the pharmacy and my sister picked it up. I took it in the early evening after the other medicine was out of my system. To my great relief, this new pain medication works much better and I am now almost without pain. I am ever so grateful for this. 

I am not going to have any wine tonight. I don't know if it is a good idea to drink alcohol at all. I use so much medicine and now with this new medication, that is so strong, it may not be the right thing to do. I am going to stay up as long as I can, and then take my sleeping pill and hopefully get a good night's sleep. I was lazy and rested for most of the day after it was such a busy day the day before. It did me a lot of good, because I feel much better now. 

Hanging in there

I get worn out quicker than I used to and especially at the end of the day that can be a problem. By that time, I have been visiting with people, and talking a lot, and generally up and about and moving around, so when the evening comes along, I start to feel very tired and quickly out of breath. I really ought to go to bed at that point and sleep for a couple of hours, but I am also still too wound up to do so. 

Yesterday evening, I had two glasses of white wine first to help me relax, and I then fell into a sound sleep which was wonderful. I woke up about three hours later completely refreshed and in much better shape mentally too. Life with cancer does get a bit overwhelming at times. My body does not co-operate as well anymore. It wants to do everything at a much slower pace. It does not like for me to do a lot of things in a hurry. I am simply incapable of that.

I did not expect ever to slow down like this and to really feel so impeded, but I have to face reality and pace myself. It is in a very short time that this has happened. I can still take Tyke for his walks so I am glad about that and as a rule Tyke is not in a hurry, but dawdles a lot. I must keep taking him for walks even when the Cowboy is back from Rome because I am sure that it is good for me. Maybe we can go together because I know that the Cowboy likes to go for walks also. 

I realize that I must adjust my habits and my schedule if I am successfully going to live with cancer. I will be a trial and error process while I find the best way. I do have to remember that I am very new at this. I have been practicing not feeling well for a while, but I didn't get it right then because I didn't know what was the matter. 

The Exfactor surprised me with chocolate croissants this morning and they were so fresh and good. He had bought extra so there was another one for my sister to have with her tea later. There is one left to have tomorrow morning and I think he is bringing over more. He had already brought over a very pure chocolate bar earlier in the week and my friend M. brought over another one in the afternoon. I share them with my sister and we try to make them last as long as possible. Chocolate is the food of the gods. 

Not such good news...

To make a long story short, I have a malignant tumor on my thyroid and tumors in my lymph glands by my lungs. A PET scan will show if they have metastasized to other places in my body, but they probably have already to my spine and that is why I have such pain there. The pain medicine I am taking is the right kind and is also keeping the pain from the other places in check, beside the pain in my back. The reason my voice is so hoarse is because the tumor is pressing on a nerve that is going right by my vocal chord. 

Until the PET scan is made, I don't know what my prognosis is or what the treatment plan is going to be, but the circus will start next week and blood work will first be done. I am patient and will be ready when the time comes for whatever comes. I have had a good cry, but I am mostly alright and well put together considering the circumstances. I am having a stiff drink right now, but I thought I could allow myself one. I did want to take the edge of and feel a bit more mellow. I think I deserve that.

I wanted to allow my sister to take care of me, but I have changed my mind about that and think (considering her personality) that this is not such a good idea. I have asked the Cowboy to do this instead because I think he would do a much more proficient job. He has now changed his plans and is only going to Rome for a few days and is returning here on Tuesday. He is not going to Naples and Corfu. I am so grateful for that and am enormously relieved. I realized that I was in a jam otherwise. 

The Cowboy has a lot of experience with cancer and the treatment and the whole process because of our son who had cancer of a rare kind. He got treatment and went into remission and then, in the end, died of it anyway. The Cowboy was his mainstay through the whole thing and I know that he can do a competent job and is very knowledgeable. 

I have never had anything this seriously wrong with me, so this is a whole new experience for me and I don't know what to expect either. I will live from one day to the next and take it as it comes. I am planning on putting up a good fight and prolonging my life as much as is possible, I am a tough broad, after all. 

What we wish for

I am allowed to, beside the opiate, also take big doses of paracetamol for the pain in my back. My GP gave me the permission to today. He does not want to prescribe a stronger pain medication until he knows what the real problem is and we won't know that most likely until Wednesday. 

At the moment I have gotten very lucky because both of them are working well and my back is not giving me too much trouble and that is almost cause for a celebration. It is too bad that I do not drink or I would finish up the vodka that is still on the shelf in the kitchen. It would be nice to get a bit tipsy, but I dare not. 

I do know that I am going to stay up for a long while because I want to enjoy every moment that I am not in a lot of pain. It will be time to go to bed when I start feeling uncomfortable. I remember to sit up straight so I don't put a lot of stress on my back and if it is at all possible, to lean back in a pillow for a bit. I am learning all the little tricks as I go along. 

The Exfactor was visiting me this afternoon and just as he was getting ready to leave, the Cowboy came home from Amsterdam so I was not alone for a minute. Isn't it nice how they don't leave me unattended? Tyke was so happy to see the Cowboy that he almost climbed on top of him. 

The Cowboy thinks that Amsterdam and San Francisco are the two best cities on earth and he would like to spend equal portions of the year in them. In Amsterdam, he tried to find out how much it would cost to live there for six months. I hope he can make his dream come true. 

My dream is to spend time on one of the islands on the north coast with a few of the people I love. I want to walk on the windblown beach and smell the sea. I would like to sit in the tall grassy dunes and look into the far horizon and not think about anything but how pleasant it is to be there. I do hope that my dream comes true also. 

The apple that falls from the tree

It is now officially Monday and only two more days (if I push my luck a little) until I hear the results from the CT-scan with contrast fluid and the echo with biopsy. To say that this is making me anxious, would be an understatement, but to all outward appearances I am very calm. It is just possible that I am more calm than I give myself credit for. I am anxious to know what is wrong with me, because I hate to walk around feeling so sick without knowing what the cause is (although I have my suspicions). 

I wake up every morning convincing myself that I am doing much better, only to be proved wrong after I have been up for about two minutes (if it takes that long at all). I try to suppress each symptom and prove to myself that I do not have any at all and that each one is a figment of my imagination. I repeat that process regularly throughout the day and I hope I get it right some time. You know how they always say that the mind is stronger than the body? Well, I am trying to prove that fact (if it is indeed a fact and not an old wife's tale). 

Today is also the day that the Cowboy returns from his little sojourn to Amsterdam and I have to say that I am glad about that. It will be good to see him because I did miss him. It was quiet without him here, although having my little sister around did make up for some of that. The Cowboy posted a few of the photos that he took in Amsterdam on Facebook, but I can't wait to see the rest. He will have taken them with the eye of a typical American who sees things that we Dutch people don't even notice anymore. And that is what makes for such surprising shots. 

I have an appointment with my therapist this morning, but because I will not be able to ride my bike over there, my little sister is taken me there with her car. Isn't that the cat's pajamas? What luxury. Everybody needs a little sister like that, but they do not come a dime a dozen. They are very rare. I sure as heck am holding on tight to mine. She is still in the process of cleaning the doors and the woodwork and gets a bit done every day in between other things she has to take care of. 

I have got the nicest glass of ice cold lemonade. The best things in life are (almost) free.