A bump on the road.

I had, what you may call, a bad day yesterday, when I felt that my life really had no purpose and that in the end, it didn't amount to much. I had lost my usual cheerfulness and could only see the negative side of things and it suddenly seemed that I had no goals to live for. I wondered why I was doing my best all the time if this was what it came down to, and if there was not a lot of futility to my life. I didn't see much reason to continue with the whole thing, because I could not see much light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I don't know if I feel very different right now, but I seem to be sort of numb at the moment and unable to care a heck of a lot. It may be that I have shut off some of my feelings because they are too intense and too bothersome. I can not make what I wish for happen and what I face does not please me. I do feel that I have to straighten my shoulders and pick up where I left off and make the best of things because nobody is going to come by with a magic wand and make the changes in my life that I wish for.

 

I suppose acceptance is the magic word, although I do feel that I have to fight for what I want even if the outcome is not at all in my hands. But that means I would go down kicking and screaming and that is not the kind of scenario I have in mind either because in the end, it would only hurt myself. I suppose after having stated my case, graciously accepting my fate is the only solution. Maybe I don't own enough Buddhist qualities yet to be able to do that unconditionally. I do have a streak of stubbornness running through me that is a mile deep.

 

I have unresolved issues that I am going to have to work on that probably have not seen the light of day enough. These unresolved issues are kept in their place by a lid that I hold down with all my might while I normally keep up my cheerfulness, but come to a boil when I feel down. The pressure cooker like strength with which they try to escape gives me lots of cause for grief and awakens old feelings of guilt and shame, and they are obviously issues that need to be addressed. Because I am changing therapists right now, I don't know who the person is going to be who will have the pleasure of guiding me through that.