Inventory...

My mental stability seems to be fine so far, although after I take the second dose of my antipsychotic medication at the end of the afternoon, I do seem to get a bit lightheaded. These are the leftover 1mg tablets that I still had and maybe they are past their use by date. I will have to look on the box later this morning and see what it is. There are only three tablets left and I will have to order a new supply, so it is really no problem in the long run.

 

If I am going through withdrawal symptoms, I am not especially aware of them. I am not exhibiting any sort of odd behavior anyway. I think I would know about it if I were. I am a keen enough observer of my own behavior to notice it. As a matter of fact, sometimes I wish I weren't and that I was more oblivious. But at the same time, it's what makes me such a good patient for my psychiatrist, because I can tell him everything he needs to know about me as if I were his assistant on location out in the field.

 

I do still rely on cups of coffee to keep my energy levels up during the course of the day and I have been thinking that this is really not such a good thing. It may mean that I am still taking too much medication and I should really cut down on the coffee and find out. At the end of the afternoon I especially feel an enormous drain and always have to fix a pot to keep me going. So, my next ambition is to cut down on the caffeine if I can. It will be a bit of a challenge.

 

When I first found out I was manic depressive, I had no idea how to deal with it and I was like a bouncing ball ricocheting between my different moods as if I had no control over them. I felt like a victim and not like someone who was in charge of her life anymore. It took me a long time to get the sense of control back over it again, but I did in the end.

 

I thought I would always be depressed, but it turns out that it is the mania that I have to deal with that needs to be kept in bounds. It is a wonderful thing to be manic a little bit, but that goes a long way and it isn't always very pleasant. When I am hypomanic, I think I can take on the world, but when I land back on earth, I find very often that I have overcommitted myself and that I have to cancel many of the things that I had taken on.

 

It does make me awfully brave and I do get things accomplished that really need to get done, so it has that advantage also. It is at times like these that I should be a world traveler. I would bravely go all over the place.