How to get the most enjoyment...

For the pain in my hip, but especially for my knee, I have got capsules that have a bit of morphine in them, and I have to tell you that I enjoy taking them very much, especially the ones that are the higher dose that I take in the evening. Not only do they work for the pain, but they also make me feel very good mentally and I think I like them even better than taking tranquilizers or smoking grass. One capsule takes away whatever stress or anxiety I have and makes me feel that whatever happens, I can survive it.

 

I would always like to feel the way I do when I have taken the higher dose and wish I could stay on them forever, but I know I am not getting a refill after these are gone, so I am very put out. I have enough left to last the weekend, but on Monday morning I will take the last one and you can be sure I will call the GP's office and try to get a prescription for something similar to them if they will not give me more of the same.

 

I read that one is not supposed to get addicted to these, but I suspect differently. With my personality and tendency to abuse things, I bet I am already addicted to them and that I can't do without. Well, I should not really say that I abuse things, because so far it has only been coffee and cigarettes and I know well enough to stay away from booze and drugs. Their effects have never been subtle enough for me to really like them. I am clearly someone who gets hooked on prescription medicines and I have already looked to see if I could get this pain medication without a prescription on line. It was not possible.

 

Not that I have the money to buy medication on line. I hardly have money to buy food and, as it is, several important bills are being left unpaid. I have never had a situation like this and it does worry me, but because of these capsules, I am staying very calm and collected. I know it does not help to get all worked up about and I have done whatever I could to improve the situation. It is a matter of fate now. I should always be this free of stress and anxiety and not go down in flames. It is something I have wished for all my life.

 

 

 

 

That is one way to do it...

I am basically bullshitting my way through this job application business. I send off my résumé with self assured notes that make the people who receive them think I am exactly the employee they are looking for, totally disregarding the fact that maybe I am not qualified for the job. Of course, I have a high enough opinion of myself that I think I am qualified for many of them and that I can learn any skill I don't have now. As a matter of fact, this weekend I am going to learn how to use Microsoft Word Excel because it is a  requirement for one of the jobs I applied for. Luckily, there is a Belgian website where I can learn this for free and while I am there, I will see what else I can learn that is handy. The requirements for any job are tough because people have such a high level of education here.

 

It is also my plan to get some extra sleep this weekend because I do realize that I function much better if I have had enough of it. Whenever I hit a point during the day that I start to feel insecure or the least bit down, I know that I need to take a solid nap and that I will feel like a reborn woman afterwards. This works so well, that I have been staying up later in the evenings and have been getting extra things done when I usually would have hit the sack much earlier. As a matter of fact, this whole realization that I have to get a job has made me more alert and engaged and has put a different perspective on all the things I do during the day. It certainly has changed the emphasis on what is important and what isn't. A lot of little things don't seem to matter so much anymore.

 

My physical health has taken a backseat and, although I still am in pain, I don't pay attention to it so much and figure that in the end it doesn't matter until I have the time to properly take care of the underlying cause. If I get a job, this may not be for some time because I am sure I will not be able to take time off for surgery. I will walk around with a bum knee and accept that. I don't mind not being preoccupied with my body and letting something else be more important now. I am certainly not going to use it as an excuse not to reach my goal because I don't have the luxury to afford that. I don't want to feel helpless now but empowered.

 

I like having this faith in myself and to think I can succeed. There is much possible in my opinion and I do as yet not have much fear in my heart. I think I did for the first 24 hours, but I got over that. No doubt this will return at the appropriate times. I just have to keep acting like I can pull this off and that I will recuperate from the tough moments.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe doing the impossible...

Yesterday evening, I was exhausted from all the work I had done for joining the corporate rat race and entering my relevant information into all the proper forms. I had no idea ahead of time how much work and energy was involved in getting all my statistics out there to assure that I made a chance on the job market and, of course, to start of with, I went about it ass backwards. I was also in a state of shock finding myself in a position of having to work at least 30 hours a week in order to provide myself with enough income to live on and, although I am forever an optimist, I was boggled by this number of hours.

 

I talked with my case manager at Social Services over the phone in the morning to let him know that I had signed up at the employment website, and he was very surprised to hear it and voiced quite some concern about my ability to pull this off. I told him how necessary it was that I did this, but he sounded very doubtful that it was a good idea. He did in the end tell me about a  local website that was established especially for people more like me who would have a harder time getting back on the job market and where I could leave my résumé and apply for a job. I did that as soon as I could.

 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist in the afternoon, and his reaction was the same, if not more serious, as my case manager. I saw in his eyes that I was completely on the wrong path, but I don't know what else to do. I am so determined to save myself financially from ruin.

 

Today I have signed up with two temp agencies and completed the very detailed sign up work at the employment website. I also applied for a few jobs. I have to have balls and act like I can take on any sort of work.

 

Another thing I did, was take a huge nap this afternoon because I was so tired of taking care of all the details, and I wondered how it was going to be when I was actually working. I slept deeper than I have done in a long time and woke up completely refreshed but ready to take on the world. I do have to say that I have renewed courage, but that I do have my doubts about my whole scheme too. I actually feel like I am playing a part in a movie and that it is going to come to an end some time soon and that I can then take a bow and get back to my normal life.

 

 

 

 

Do it like this...

I just ate the contents of a small bottle of strawberry sauce because I had a craving for something very sweet and that was the only thing I had handy that was. I got a terrific kick out of it and I feel oh so much better now. What I really wanted was a large piece of chocolate, but I had nothing like that here. I think my brain wanted the sweetness so it would function better and now it certainly is. I may have another search through the kitchen before I am done writing this to see if there is anything else that will perk me up that much. I tell you, sugar does have its use on the odd occasion and after that satisfying experience, I am ready for more.

 

I signed up for a fulltime job on the official employment website of the local and national civil government. You make up your own personal 'work folder' with all your relevant information such as job history and education and the kind of job you are looking for. The website matches you with jobs available that you can apply to, but you can also apply to all the other jobs that are posted there. You get a personal coach and help with your résumé.

 

Because of the unemployment rate at the moment, and my age and limited education, and the fact that I have a bipolar disorder, my chances are not all that big, and that is why I have applied for a job with a call center for which I think I will make a better chance. The wage is not that great to start with, but improves when you get a steady contract, so I have to do some long term thinking and planning. In the end, I would find myself in a better financial situation than I am now and that is what the purpose is.

 

The pain medication is working, but not quite as good as I would like it to, so yesterday I called the GP's office to find out if I could increase the dose. I was told to call back this afternoon when the doctor will have made a decision about that. I get the most relief in my hip, but my knee is bothering me a lot and it doesn't make a difference if I sit down to rest it. The most relief I get is when I am lying down in bed, sound asleep, and in the most comfortable position. If I get a job, I will have to postpone the surgery on it, because I will not be able to take the time off for it and the recuperation.

 

Okay, I am off to go do a search of the kitchen for something sweet to eat. I think I have a jar of honey... 

    

 

 

A low key evening

It is Monday evening and I took a nap earlier because the pain medication I took at dinnertime made me feel very drowsy. It was a pleasure to lie down in bed and get an hour or so of sleep and now I feel totally refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the evening. That sounds like I have an important job to do, when that is not true at all. I can be completely relaxed and only do pleasurable things, because nothing dire is waiting for me to take care of. I think I will take advantage of the best of situations and completely indulge myself and only do uncomplicated things. Writing a blog post can be one of them, because I can keep it as simple as I want.

 

Of course, I am indulging in my favorite beverage, but I do wish I had some cookies or a piece of apple pie to go with it. However, if there is one thing I should not be indulging in, it is high calorie food, so I will just pretend that I had those. I have to loose a couple of kilos in that endless battle of the middle aged bulge so that my favorite clothes will look flattering on me again and not like they are a size too small. I have already started a new shopping list that reflects my new and improved diet and cuts out most of the fat. In this day and age, we can't claim ignorance about what we put in our bodies and I know very well where I make my mistakes when it comes to preparing my foods.

 

Gandhi has been eating so well, that she has gained weight too and that was necessary, because she was eating so badly for a while, that she had become scrawny. At first she was being very finicky about which food she would eat and I could only give her one of the most expensive kinds, but now she will accept any food that is of a good quality and she fills her stomach until it is round. It is a real pleasure to see her have a good appetite after watching her do battle with her food so often. I do want her to enjoy her meals now that she is an 'older' lady. Besides, there is nothing like the weight of a hefty cat lying on your lap.

 

Because of my financial situation, it looks like I am going to have to get a real paying job, even though because of circumstances, that is going to be real difficult. It's a reality I have to face. I hope some employer out there is looking for somebody just like me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

Something totally different...

 

I feel like I ought to write about something completely different than I usually do, but I don't know if it is within reach of my imagination. Sometimes, when I just wake up and I am still groggy, I feel that I can write very fanciful things that are more interesting than any book you ever read. But that is when I am under the influence of my sleep medication and I still need a cup of coffee to get over the last bit of drowsiness. My mind wanders along all sorts of interesting roads then, with all sorts of tricky twists and turns and unexpected characters in the plot. But to tell you the truth, that story probably wouldn't make much sense when looked upon soberly.

 

On top of that, I am under the influence of that pain medication, and since it is pretty potent stuff, I can't trust the direction of my imagination at all. The good thing about it, is that it is working and reducing my pain along with making me feel good, so I absolutely have no complaints. I do seem to remember reading that the best novels were written while the authors were under the influence of some substance, so maybe I ought to give it a try now. If I could count on this pain medication being a long term thing, I might be able to write the great Dutch novel.

 

Somehow, I don't see myself as a great tortured soul giving her life to the fine art of literature, because I am not willing to suffer. I have already suffered without producing anything worthwhile, and I appreciate my hard-won sanity too much to give it up for a product of blood, sweat and tears. Besides, I am too fragilely put together to put it all at risk. If one of the skeletons in my closet would rattle, I would probably run a mile in fear, and wouldn't I want to write about those skeletons? I would disguise them, and give them different names, but they would people the landscape of my novel anyway. I would write like Ibsen and expose their suffering and guilt.

 

Speaking of substances, I think I am a woman who will always be dependent on one or two of them.  I have that kind of personality and chemical interference in my brain brings out the best in me. I am not the kind of person who can go straight and not have some sort of addiction fed. If I try to do without them, I am a most miserable human being. I may as well own up to that and not try to do something that is impossible and makes me attempt things that are beyond my mental reach. There is a reason for my addictions and being in denial about that is not the way to deal with them.