Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Getting started again...

It's always a bit tough to get started up again after I've woken up from a nap. I try to do it without drinking a cup of coffee, but it's impossible. I need at least two of them to get back to normal. 

I don't know why I'm so stubborn at first to think I can do without. I blame it on temporary brain failure. It's only when I hit total bottom that I realize I have to do something about it and make a pot of coffee.

I'm nearly alright now. I'm working on my second cup. 

For a while there it was touch and go and I knew I shouldn't write anything because it might have come out very wrong. Luckily, I do have an internal censor who keeps me from making major blunders. 

My eyes have gotten used to the glasses, even to the correction for the astigmatism. I miss them now when I don't have them on, like when I wake up from a nap.  

I see these words on the screen ever so much better.

I've gotten used to how I look with them on too and I think my haircut matches them very well. I should remember to put in some earrings so I will look more feminine. I look a little butch right now. 

I am wearing a mini skirt today along with some pretty leggings that I bought yesterday. Nobody can mistake me for a boy. Besides, I do have some feminine curves despite all the weight that I lost. And I do still have breasts.

I took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, but I can't say that it was much of a pleasure. He dawdled most of the time and I had to literally pull him along. He thought there were items of interest under every fallen leaf and there were a lot of them. 

As we walked, showers of leaves fell on us and this was while the sun was shining on us too because it was a nice day. I was dressed too warm in my leather jacket. Just a cardigan would have sufficed. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk now and it's already dark outside. It's tough when duty calls you out into the night, but at least it isn't cold. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

A well spent Friday...

This morning, after I had been up half the night and unable to go back to sleep, it cost me some effort to keep myself occupied until it was time to go downtown to pick up my glasses. I watched repeats of the news and information on traffic jams around the country as if it concerned me. I watched the early morning show and pretended I was a commuter off to a busy day at her work. I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes until I was sick of them. 

When it finally was time to leave, I was more than ready to go. I hopped on my bike as if it was an act of liberation and rode it downtown as quickly as I could. It was already busy there, but I did manage to find a space to park my bike, and walked the rest of the way through the cobblestoned streets to the optician. 

I had almost forgotten what my glasses looked like and it was a surprise to see them. It was also an experience to put them on. The world around me suddenly became a lot clearer and more in focus. The most important thing was that I was able to read without any effort. That was a real eyeopener. 

I wore them out of the store and when I looked into the distance, it suddenly had gotten a lot more depth. To celebrate that fact, I walked all the way to my favorite store to see if there was anything on sale to match the colors of my glasses. Luckily there was and I bought two tops for a give away price. I didn't try them on until I got home, but figured they would fit and I was right.

Decked out the way I was, I went to the hairdresser where I got complimented on my glasses. While I waited for it to be my turn, I read a magazine that was lying about in the waiting area. I never was able to do that before. Before I could only read the headlines to the stories and what was printed in bold script, limiting my reading very much. 

I had my hair cut a lot shorter than I did the last time and it looks good.  It's not the kind of haircut I have to mess with much. I can pretty much just run my fingers through my hair and be done with it. It was washed with silver shampoo and the color lightened up quite a bit. I will have it cut again in a month or sooner if it needs it. I won't let it get long. This time it had only been four weeks since I last had it cut. 

So, there I was with my whole new look. The people who saw it first were the Exfactor and the domestic help and they both approved. The most important thing though is that I like it and I do. I'm comfortable with it. And I'm very glad that I can see so well, both up close and in the distance.

Another important thing is, that I took a much needed nap later this afternoon. I was more than ready for it. I felt like a limp dishrag earlier. I have to go to bed early tonight and catch up on the rest of my sleep. I'm not done sleeping yet.

I hope you all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

It's impossible not to be glad...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm temporarily done sleeping. I'm sure that will be remedied in a while when I've had my coffee and written this post. If I take my time writing this, no doubt sleep will catch up with me again. I have to do several hours of it yet until I get up at a decent time in the morning. 

I will have to set the alarm clock because I have to go to the optician to pick up my glasses. Yes, it is finally happening. This is only after I called and threatened to cancel the whole transaction. The girl who answered the phone told me that she would try to find my glasses and call me right back. She did within twenty minutes and told me she had located them and that I could pick them up first thing in the morning. 

This did give me a certain amount of satisfaction, but I do wonder why it had to take a phone call like that to get my glasses? I expected better service than that. A customer shouldn't have to make a pest of herself to get the service she deserves. 

Well, all's good that ends good. Or so we assume. 

I'm also going to the hairdresser tomorrow. I'm very unhappy with my hair at the moment. I have to put on too much hairspray to get it to stay in shape and that's not the kind of hairdo I want. I want easy hair. The kind that you wash and dry and it's in place.

It wasn't really time yet to go to the hairdresser, but I think I didn't get it cut short enough the last time and I'm going to have it cut properly this time. I think I will also not wait six weeks to have it cut, but go once a month because my hair grows quickly and I don't like it when it loses its shape. 

After I get done doing that, the Exfactor will be here to bring me the cat food and the washing powder that he buys at the supermarket where he shops. It's the food my cat likes best and the washing powder that came out best in consumer tests. It's a little known brand, not one of the big ones, but it takes care of any stain.

The domestic help will also be here because, goodness sakes, it is Friday again and where did the week go? It slipped by quite unobtrusively and I hardly have anything to show for it. Frankly, I'm glad it is over because it was a bit of a dull week with not much happening in it. Today being an exception. I would like just a little bit more excitement in my daily life. 

By this afternoon I will have a new look. I'm curious to see how I will turn out. I'm ready for a make over. I'm always interested in something different. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm not sleepy and could sit here for hours, but I do have to be sensible. I'm going to need my energy during the day. It's a lot of responsibility, being in charge of yourself. Somebody has to do it. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Being awake is another option...

Optimistically speaking, it's very early in the morning, although it will be some time yet until it's dawn. I won't let that bother me and pretend the day is starting anyway. If I were a dairy farmer, I'd almost be getting ready to milk my cows, especially if I had a large herd.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe with my cup of coffee. I slept well and was lovingly woken up by the dog who had to go out back. He's sound asleep now on the sofa. I feel that not much can go wrong right now and all is well with the world. I'm going to enjoy these first hours of the day as much as I can. 

When I was rearranging the bookcase the other day, I found '101 Crossword Puzzles for Dummies.' I don't remember exactly who bought me this, but I suspect it was my first ex-husband who knows I am crossword puzzle mad. I had forgotten that it was there and now I have been sitting down doing the puzzles.

I'm happy to say that I can solve most of them with only a minimum amount of cheating. I spent two hours on them yesterday afternoon until I was sick and tired of them. Still, I conveniently laid the book on my desk because I know I will want to do more of them today. 

I also have the Collected New York Times and Los Angeles Times Sunday Crosswords. It will be a while before I try those because they are a bit harder to do. I used to solve them when I still lived in the States, but I'm not as savvy now. You have to be more than a dummy to do those and be steeped in the culture. They are not for sissies. 

So, the interesting things you find when you rearrange your bookcase. There were books there that I hardly ever pay attention to and that are worth my time  looking at. Some have beautiful photographs in them and I haven't looked at them for ages. They are so neglected. If I don't look at them, who will?

I haven't got anything special planned for today. I'm hoping to get that phone call from the optician to say that my glasses will be ready to be picked up, but frankly, I've given up hope. I won't expect it and then I won't be disappointed. I already called them on Tuesday and they said it could be any day. Blagh!

I will take my medicines now and make a pot of green tea with lemon. Then I will sit in my arm chair and do some crossword puzzles until dawn. That ought to keep me out of trouble.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day.

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee will help...

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now. 

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has. 

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do. 

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt. 

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here. 

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference. 

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had. 

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there. 

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills. 

Have a good night all of you.

Ciao,

Nora