I am sitting here with a certain amount of stress that I'm trying not to feel and I'm doing whatever I can to get rid of it. I have just taken my medicines and poured a fresh cup of coffee and I hope that these two things will make a difference. I am also trying to pep myself up inside and telling myself that there is no reason to feel this amount of unease. I feel as if I have done something wrong and as if the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head and is about to cleave it in two.
Looking back in my memory on this day, I can't think of one single act that would have brought on this feeling and I'm puzzled why I am bothered by it now. Sometimes my mind is a total mystery and I feel like I have to cure whatever is wrong by equally mysterious rituals. If I just get the elements and the order right, everything will be well again, but god only knows what they are. I imagine being a heathen and being at the mercy of a totally unknown fate and bringing as many sacrifices as I can.
Being a modern, Western-European woman, I can't find my faith in that kind of process, so I have to work it out some other way. I can use psychology and analyze myself and my deeds and instantly forgive myself for whatever I didn't get right. Isn't that easy? I can even forgive myself without understanding one bit of it. That's how modern day thinking works. I can be instantly happy again and only have to feel bad for a little while. It doesn't matter that the world around me is going to hell in a hand basket, I can be happy and feel good about myself.
I wonder if it is an overdose to the news of the global village that makes us cynical and self centered and so concerned with our own happiness. We have never known so much about the world around us as we do now and we have never been as selfish. I wonder how much empathy we are at all capable of still? It seems like we all have to fight for our own survival. It seems like that. Whether or not that is actually true is another matter altogether. A part of the population of this earth doesn't know how good it has it.