Thursday, May 26, 2011

Those rotten chores...

I've done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don't have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I've even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn't have a nervous breakdown. 

I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn't going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of. 

I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn't help if I have a breakdown over it.

In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don't do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I couldn't finish watching any of the matches, so I don't know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.

The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they're in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them. 

It's a completely new activity for him that he's just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn't really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I've got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out. 

He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we've had so far. 

I've got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I'm glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I'm going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity. 

You wouldn't have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over. 

I hope you're all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want. 



Sunday, May 22, 2011

Trying to go to sleep...

I've been on my way to bed now for a while, but I'm unsuccessful in getting there. I think I must not be properly sleepy yet, so I am foiled in my attempts. I even took my sleep medication, but it hasn't worked one bit. I am wide awake. I am going to try again as soon as I've written this post because I do want to stick to some kind of normal schedule. I don't want to upset the applecart. 

I slept late this morning and had a heck of a time getting out of bed. I finally got up because my knee was hurting me. I had to straighten out my leg and that was enough motivation to get up. It took me several cups of coffee to become lucid. All I did was sit in my armchair and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes while I waited to become a functioning human being.

Actually, it didn't take all that long. I was one within half an hour, but I like to exaggerate. I also like to drag out the waking up moment as long as I can. I'd rather not do anything right away if I can help it. 

There does come a time when I can't postpone it and I have to get dressed and walk the dog. I found some appropriate clothes to wear and set out with him in the noontime clouded sunshine. The clothes I wore were warm enough for the stiff wind that was blowing gray clouds across the sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but then it actually never did all day. 

The wind blew so hard that it almost ruined my hairdo, even though I had hair sprayed it. Later on in the afternoon, when I rode my bike to my sister's house, I got very much out of breath from pedaling into it and even worse so on the way home. It felt like I was at the sea with a good storm blowing in my face. 

Luckily, in my sister's garden we were somewhat sheltered, though it wasn't as warm as it usually is and we couldn't really sit out there with bare arms. We certainly didn't get a tan because there were too many clouds covering the sun all the time. It would have been good if it had at least rained because the garden needed it, but not a drop fell from the heavens. 

I had two cappuccinos and a cold beer and a piece of chocolate with nuts in it. That's about as decadent as I could get and it did fill me up. The beer was very refreshing and I drank it with a lot of taste. It always takes a while before I can eat dinner after that and I ended up eating my soup late and sharing it with the dog. I haven't even had dessert yet, but I figured that I didn't need it after that piece of chocolate. 

This morning I went on the bathroom scale and much to my surprise, I had lost another kilo. I wasn't really expecting that and was thrilled about it. It motivates me to keep trying and to not grab something extra to eat when it's not necessary. I don't need to eat snacks really. I haven't gotten more of those cheese crackers either and now just have the plain crackers again. They're a lot healthier and less addictive. The cheese crackers were loaded with salt. 

Well, it's time for me to try and go to sleep now. I will start the ritual all over again. I think I'm sleepy enough this time. I'm longing for bed anyway.

I hope you'll all have a good night or that you're still having a good Sunday. Mine was good enough. I'm not ready for it to be Monday. Blagh! 



Saturday, May 21, 2011


I woke up from my nap having dreamed that I was a very frustrated chicken because I didn't have any hands. It was an awful feeling to only have wings and no fingers to pick things up with. I still had that feeling when I woke up and it was pretty terrible. It took a few seconds for it to dissipate. 

No doubt it had to do with the fact that before I took a nap, I had to remove a dead bird from the shower stall. It had been left there by the cat and luckily, the dog had shown no interest in it whatsoever. 

I had a good look at it because you don't get to have a close look at a wild bird that often. It was intact and had no insides hanging out. It looked like it was asleep and therefor I had been a little reluctant at first to pick it up. It was just an ordinary bird for which I don't know the English name. It was an adult and I'm surprised that the cat got a hold of it. She's normally not that great a hunter of birds. 

I threw it in the green bin and figured it will properly decompose there. I didn't know what else to do with it either. I knew I had to keep it out of the cat's reach. I didn't want her to drag it back inside and demolish it and get feathers all over the place like one of my other cats did one time. That was a real mess to clean up.

I hope no chicks go hungry now that the mother bird is dead. That's another worry. My cat's a killer cat. I wouldn't have thought it possible after all those mice. Maybe her skills have improved now that she's the only cat here. Although the male cat wasn't much of a hunter. 

Anyway, being a chicken without any hands isn't much fun and I wonder if chickens experience it as such? I hope they're not aware of their loss and go through life oblivious of it. They can only pick and scratch. It's like having your arms bound to your body. All you can do is hopelessly flutter when you get a little bit of room. 


I'm wearing a skimpy sun dress that was too small on me when I bought it and that now fits. I have another one in a different print in the same size. I will try that one on next. Isn't it wonderful when clothes appear in your closet that turn out to fit you? I must have closer looks in my closet more often.

It's been a nice day with good weather. Tomorrow we may have some rain, but the temperature will be nice. I'll believe the rain when I see it. We've been promised it often enough. 

Have a good day all of you. Enjoy your Saturday. 


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Kindly spirited...

When I wake up from my afternoon nap, I always feel very kindly towards the world and all the people in it. I have a totally untroubled mind. If anybody calls me at that time, I am all sweetness and I have all the patience needed to have whatever conversation is necessary. 

This mood lasts about an hour. By that time I have taken my evening dose of medicines and I am in another kind of good mood that is almost equally nice, but I'm not as sweet and patient anymore. I've got more stress by that time, having been awake long enough to have the reality of life penetrate my mind again.

Not that my reality is such an awful one. It is all in my imagination. It is my own fearful heart that makes it look that way. My reality is actually quite simple, but something in me doesn't experience it that way and sees bogeymen in every corner.

It's a terrible thing to live with a fearful heart because it prevents you from living life with full enjoyment. It's much better to be untroubled like that person who just woke up from her nap and who exists in the world like a newborn child. Unafraid. 

It's very possible that newborn children are not at all unafraid and that some of them have their fears too. If so, I may have been one of them. My mother told me once that I sure did an awful lot of crying when I was a baby. I may have been uneasy all alone in my crib. I wanted to be held by my father. 

I wonder what happens to you when you take that afternoon nap to make you feel so untroubled and kind? It must be a very soothing thing to do. It must be very good for your wellbeing. I wonder if people in southern countries don't have the right idea when they take their siestas. Or don't they do that any longer in today's society? I must ask my sister's Italian friend, but he's from Milan and that's in northern Italy. It may not be a custom there. 

I would always like to have the innocence I have when I wake up from my afternoon nap and to be so nonjudgmental.  It would be a lot easier to live with myself. 


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What I like...

I guess I like taking a nap in the afternoon almost better than anything else. I love the way it breaks up the day and the rest I get. I always feel good when I wake up and really enjoy the first hour or so after I get up. Normally it's about time to take my evening dose of medicines too, so the timing is perfect. 

I have a cup of coffee first and then take my medicines. In the shortest amount of time I feel right as rain. I also know that nothing complicated lies ahead of me. All I have to do is walk the dog and eat dinner and get through the rest of the evening. That's easily done by watching the news and a few other non consequential programs. Not that the news is that kind of program.

I suppose there are a few simple pleasures in life like that, such as drinking a glass of ice cold milk when I'm very thirsty. Or eating a bowl of chicken and pasta soup when I'm hungry. I know those things will satisfy me instantly. They push my 'happy button' and make me feel good. Taking a nap does the same thing. 


I just took the dog for a walk and it was actually very nice out there. It was warmer than I expected and I wore too many clothes. I will have to put on something completely different because what I have on now will not do at all. It's time to wear skimpy clothes again. I've got just what I need all ready to put on from the last time it was warm. I had not put away those things yet. What foresight!

The rain that we had has not helped the grass in the fields yet. There are big brown spots all over. On top of that, it has recently been cut, so that doesn't help it much. A lot of the daisies are gone as a result, much to my dismay. The buttercups faired better. I like it when they leave the grass longer and the wildflowers get a chance to grow. It looks so much cheerier. 

I guess walking the dog is a pleasure in life too and it pushes my 'happy button,' although I never think of it as so. I usually think of it ahead of time as a bother and something I must do. Afterwards I always feel good about having done it, but I never put one and one together and I really ought to. I forget that I enjoy it. 

He sure dislikes certain dogs that we meet on our walks. They are always the more dangerous looking kind that he dislikes. The ones I steer clear of also. He's very macho and growls at them as if he would attack them given a chance. He especially dislikes any kind of dog that's well known as a fighting dog. A dog like that he takes an instant dislike to. A cocker spaniel like him wouldn't stand a chance. 

It's time to eat dinner. A glass of milk is lovely, but it alone doesn't fill my stomach. I must have something heftier than that. 

I hope you're all having a good day and good weather. 


Monday, May 16, 2011

A tale of awareness...

There's an awful lot of temptation in just repeating myself and telling you the same story I told you yesterday, but that would be awfully boring. It would make my job easier, because I would not have to put so much effort into writing this post. It would practically write itself. 

Instead I have to take care and really do my best to put down something interesting. I can't lie down on the job. If I'm going to sit here and spend my time putting down words, they may as well be good ones and carry some weight. Otherwise I may as well shut off the computer and hang up my blogs in the willows.

That doesn't mean I actually have something of interest to say. That's another matter all together.  I always hope I do because the need to write is big. There's nothing I like better than sitting here behind the keyboard and coming up with stuff to write about. I have an enormous ego that needs to be fed and blogging is one way it's done. 

Forget about sharing my most inner self and the need to unload my secrets. Mostly I want a way to display myself and what better way to do it than to try and get other people to read my words. Probably that's reflective of some sort of insecurity in myself, don't you think? 

Regardless, whatever my true reason, I do like to sit here and come up with some nonsense and I must say that there's enough of it out there too, but I read it all with the most attention that I can. I really care about it. I care about the people who write it too. We're all basically decent human beings who do our best. 

No, it's not all nonsense that's out there. You really learn a lot from reading other people's blogs. You learn a lot about human nature and at the very least how not to behave. You can always say to yourself, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." If you open up your eyes well enough, you see your own follies too. 

The sooner you learn about human nature, the better. It's preferable not to fool yourself about it. If you're like me, you've learned to ignore a lot of it, but that's not a good idea. Never stop questioning it. It's for your own good if you don't. 

I have to walk the dog and eat dinner. It's that time of the evening again. The day has gone by quickly, but then again, I was surrounded by people. I didn't really enjoy their company and couldn't wait for them to be gone. Today I prefer my own company and the dog's and the cat's. Sometimes it is better that way.

I hope you'll all have a good evening. It's overcast and cold here. Brrr...


Sunday, May 15, 2011

On an overcast afternoon...

As has become routine by now, I have just woken up from a nap and am imbibing in some caffeine to get the most out of my precarious mood that I always seem to have on such occasions. I will be right as rain in the shortest amount of time, all it's going to take is some more coffee. I know that always works, I can pretty much count on it, but I'm drinking a cup of warmed up coffee and that won't do. 

I have to make a fresh pot and open a new package of ground coffee. That's always the frustrating part that I don't look forward to. You're supposed to be able to open the package without the aid of scissors  and I always do my very best to achieve this, but it requires some dexterity and muscle power. I don't want to be defeated, though, and stubbornly keep trying and not reach for the scissors that are right there in the kitchen drawer. 

Eventually I do manage, but I dislike the job and wish for someone else to do it. Since there is no one else here, I have to, much to my frustration. If I were a manufacturer, I would design a user friendly package to pack my ground coffee in, although that would probably add to the price of the product. Oh well, nothing in life is free. Except frustration. 

You can tell that I'm a 21st century woman because my level of frustration is very low and I like everything done very easily and conveniently. If I were a designer, I would always be looking for the most simple way to do things. The most user friendly and least frustrating way.  I would want objects to cause the least amount of hassle.

I have to clean up the kitchen and hang up a load of laundry to dry. The dog destroyed a stick in the living room and I have to pick up the pieces from that.  He doesn't have opposable thumbs so he can't do it himself. That's his excuse anyway. 

My infected earlobe is healing. It's almost back to normal. I put Fucidin ointment on it twice a day and that helps it very much. The swelling has gone down quite a bit. I don't think I will be wearing earrings for a while and I will be decorating myself in other ways for the coming future. I've been wearing lightweight scarves and they've done nicely. Of course, the weather has been perfect for them. 

It rained just a while ago, but now it's stopped and the dog is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. I think I will take him for a walk while it is dry. The sun is even out every now and then. 

Have a nice Sunday. 


Saturday, May 14, 2011

On a cloudy day...

I've just woken up from an afternoon nap and I'm drinking my second cup of coffee. It is very necessary that I have the caffeine as I'm incapable of thinking clearly without it. Or so I've told myself anyway. 

I'm slowly becoming more clearheaded, but I should say that I'm getting a better mood. That would be more accurate. Why call things by any other name? I was a grouch before. A muddleheaded grouch.

It's not as though I have to pretend that I never get in a bad mood, do I? It can't all be moonshine and roses. 

I'm dressed in warm clothes as today is a chilly day. It was fun choosing what to wear, but I didn't pick anything adventurous. I went with a safe and sane outfit. Anyone would want to be seen in public with me, that's how ordinary I look. 

My closet is so bare now, that it's easy to choose clothes. Plus, I've got a trove of empty hangers. They are all good ones and I will save all of them. Doubtlessly, they will be used again some time in the future. I'm saying this optimistically, but I already had a stash of hangers in the bottom of the closet. 

I just remembered some clothes I have on the shelves that I have not looked at yet. No doubt they will need to get washed and ironed. I haven't worn them in ages. They should fit me well now. Ha, that will be a fun job to go and do. One load of laundry coming up. 

I just walked the dog around the fields. It wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be and wearing my cardigan sufficed. It looked like it was going to rain and it has been predicted. Some rain would do us a world of good. Things are very dry and dusty. 

There are mostly buttercups and daisies now. All the dandelions that had gone to seed have been blown away. The clover is disappearing again, but I think it must be because of the dryness. It must need more water. 

Well, I must get to work on those clothes. Lord only knows what I'll find there. It will be a journey of discovery. The last time I looked through them I was quite a bit heavier. 

Have a good day. I hope your weather treats you well. 


Thursday, May 12, 2011

After a snooze...

After a snooze, you have a cup of coffee as quick as you can to get your head together so you can think straight. At least, that is my tactic. Never mind that the coffee is kind of bitter because it's old. It's got caffeine in it, that's the most important thing. You can make new coffee if you want another cup. It's easy as pie. 

That's what I think I'm going to have to do. The old coffee is not very satisfying, although it is waking me up to some extend. Imagine drinking old microwaved coffee. That's not a very nice way to treat yourself. I think I do deserve a fresh pot. 

Snoozing is exactly what I did. I never did fall asleep properly, but just drifted in and out for about an hour. I probably wasn't tired enough for a proper nap. Now that I don't use tranquilizers during the day anymore, I seldom go completely knock out like I used to. Really, that's a blessing. I used to go knock out several times a day. 

I have cleaned out my closet and got all the obsolete clothes out of it. Once I had gotten those off their hangers, I had a sea of space and I got a good look at what was left over. I took most of the clothes that had been in there for a while and that I assumed were going to fit me and washed them in two loads. 

I did the first load last night and this morning that load was dry so I could do the second one. I wore something today from the first load that I had not worn before and, although it was a little chilly to wear, it was a great success and I enjoyed wearing it very much. It's nice to catch glimpses of yourself in the mirror when you're wearing something new. 

The second load is drying now and there's a dress there of which I have no idea how I got it. I don't remember buying it. I may wear it tomorrow. I have to try it on first and see how it looks. I don't have the foggiest idea how I've come to own it. That will be another unsolved mystery. I probably bought it in one of my hypo-manic moods. 

Of course, things look good now because I've got a decent haircut. I must always remember to get a decent haircut on time. I wish I was not so absentminded as to forget to do that. I wish I had a secretary who made my appointments for me and just automatically scheduled my hairdresser appointments. Life would be so much simpler. 

I've made a fresh pot of coffee which I was in dire need of. I had to get the bad taste of the old coffee out of my mouth. And I do think I need some more caffeine. I need to look a little more lively than I do right now, although you can't see me. 

Freshly made coffee smells so good. It makes the whole apartment smell nice. Even as impaired as I am, I can smell that. 

I'm missing a cardigan from my closet. I've looked high and low but I can't find it. I have no idea what I did with it. I'll have to look through every item on the shelves and see if it is there. I need to clean those up anyway. The denim skirts that are too big are still there. Wish me luck in finding it. It's an important one to my wardrobe. 

I hope you'll all have a nice evening. I've got to walk the dog. 


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

...and what else do I have to say?

The good news is that there has not been a mouse in the apartment yet. At least, the cat has neglected to bring one in today to play with much to my relief. She could have done it easily while I was taking a nap, but luckily she was bright enough not to do such a foolish thing. I would not have forgiven her quickly. 

There is no bad news, unless you count the fact that I've only had one cup of coffee and that I'm not going to have another one unless I make another pot of it. I'm undecided if I will do that. I need the caffeine because my brain is not functioning optimally yet. I'm still stuck in the drowsy setting.

I'm wearing a tunic that has been hanging in my closet for a long time, but that I had not worn yet because it was too small. Much to my relief, it fit me today and I'm proudly showing off my svelte body in it. It's tight fitting and made of stretch material and I really feel daring in it. I'm glad I rediscovered it. 

I've made that other pot of coffee and am drinking a cup of it now. I slowly am getting unstuck from the drowsy setting. There's something to be said for a fresh pot of coffee. It does work miracles. 


I just walked the dog in the still warm evening air. It smelled like blossoming things and there was lots of pollen in the mild breeze. If I were really allergic to stuff, I would be in much worse shape now. The conclusion is that I'm not and that I only have eczema. That's bad enough, of course, but it's nothing compared to what people go through who have hay fever and asthma. 

I have to look through my closet to see what other clothes are going to fit me and what is too big. I'll have some sorting to do. It is with a certain amount of pleasure that I'll do this. I'm going to do that next, as soon as I'm done writing this. 

Oh yes, I forget that I have to eat some dinner first. That is important. I would forget something like that. No problem, something is easily microwaved. Isn't that the best invention ever? It's perfect when you live on your own and you need to make only one portion. 

Have a good evening and enjoy the weather. 


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

...and what do I know, after all?

Don't believe me when I say that the weather is going to be cooler, because what do I know? I'm just repeating what the weather forecasters say. Today was supposed to be a cooler day than it was yesterday, but in the afternoon, when I walked the dog, it was as hot as it had been the day before. I was sweltering in my less skimpy clothes and when I got home, I took as many of them off as I could. 

Well, that was my start to this blog post. That's as exciting as I can get. I don't know how to get it more interesting than that. 

The dog and the cat are chasing another mouse around the apartment. It's the third one in as many days. I can't believe the cat brought in another one. I've tried to rescue it, but I've been unable to so far. The dog is especially very fanatic about it.  He acts like he does this for a living. He's a real hunter and the cat hardly gets a chance to participate. I'm slightly disgusted with the whole thing. 

I had my hair cut this afternoon. I went to the walk in place next to the pharmacy where you don't have to make an appointment. They also don't wash your hair, so I had that pleasure when I came home. That's when I really got to see what my hair looked like. 

A decent job was done and it was less expensive than when I go to my regular hairdresser. The woman cut it nice and short and spunky. I like the way I look, so it was worth the 12.50 Euros that it cost, which is very cheap. The next time I'll have to remember to wash my hair first. It's not so good when you have a lot of hairspray in it and it gets cut.

I think that mouse is dead. The cat and the dog are doing other things now and all is quiet. I'll have to go look for it so I don't step on anything unpleasant with my bare feet... Oh, I already found it. It was little and sopping wet from the dog's mouth. I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't know what else to do with it. It didn't seem like a good idea to put it in the trash with this heat.

The Exfactor did the groceries this morning and got me the cheese crackers. I had asked him to get me two packages and it's a good thing I did, because the packages are very small. I had to almost laugh when I saw them. I should have asked for four of them.

I've tried them and I like them very much, almost too much, so I have to contain myself. I have to definitely set a limit of how many I can eat all at once. They are salty and cheesy, just what I wanted and had imagined, but they are junk food and I was not really prepared for that. I thought they were going to be healthier. I'm a little bit disappointed and a bit concerned. I don't normally eat junk food. I find it's too addictive. That's why it was made, to make you want to eat more of it.

I'm going to bed in a little while and I'm looking forward to it very much. There's nothing like it at the end of a well spent day. It's especially nice when you know you will wake up with a decent hairdo. Why do I wait so long to get my hair cut? It's so simple to get it done and I look so much nicer. There ought to be a law against letting your hair grow too long. 

I'm full of it. It's time to end this post. I'm very thirsty and need to drink about a liter of cold milk.

Have a good evening you all. 


Monday, May 09, 2011

...and other tales of comfort.

I just took the dog for a walk in the cool evening air. It had rained briefly in the afternoon and the sky was overcast. There was even a little bit of a breeze and I needed a cardigan over my skimpy clothes. At least the dog was not uncomfortable because of the heat like he was yesterday. Right now it's only 66F, so it's not very warm. I think it's just right. 

After I took a nap this afternoon, I had a small bowl of chocolate pudding because I craved chocolate. I usually do when I wake up, although sometimes a small package of crackers will do. I eat plain crackers, but lately I've been craving salty, cheesy ones. I think I will have the Exfactor get me a box of those and I will see how much I like them. 

I don't want to like them too much and eat them all at once. If I do that, I don't want them in the cupboards and I won't get them again. I make a box of crackers last a whole week and I want the cheesy ones to last that long too. The Exfactor is doing the groceries tomorrow. I'll keep you up to date on the cheesy crackers. 

I make the chocolate pudding last a long time and never run out. I only eat one bowl a day, but I thoroughly enjoy that bowl. The pudding is cold and smooth and satisfying and I eat just enough of it. My gastric band can handle that amount. It's a real treat and it has to stay that way. 

That's why I'm not really going to get any ice cream. I know I would eat the ice cream all at once until it was all gone because I'm crazy about it. It's not such a good idea to have something like that in the freezer. That's why it's so good to have the chocolate pudding instead. I'm much more sensible about it. 

Ice cream would go straight to my hips and I don't need it there. That doesn't mean that I will not go to the best ice salon in town this summer because I know I will. I will have a large ice cream sundae with real whipped cream on top. That will be my special treat. I can't wait to go. I'll ask the Exfactor to go with me.

In a little while, I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and make it a real treat to go to sleep tonight. I'll put on the sheets that were dried outside on the clothesline. They smell heavenly. I've been looking forward to it, but kept putting it off for one reason or another. I'm very determined now. 

I will wash the dirty sheets right away and hang those outside to dry tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no rain and if there is, then that's just too bad. Things are bound to dry sooner or later. Today's shower was only a little one and the clothesline is protected by a lot of trees. I will hope for the best. 

I hope you're all having a good evening and a good start to the week. 


Saturday, May 07, 2011

A load off my mind...

I'm sitting here drinking coffee after I woke up from a nap in the dark and cool bedroom. It was most pleasant and I had an interesting dream in which I remembered the name of a medication that I want to ask my GP about. I just googled it and it exists here. I haven't used it in 18 years, but it's a most helpful one for a woman in her middle aged years. I can't wait to get it now. It's Metamucil, orange flavored. If it hadn't been for that dream, I wouldn't have remembered the name. 

The cat got a new flavor cat food. I was afraid that she wasn't going to like it as I tossed out what was left over of her old one and poured the new one into her bowl. However, she went for it immediately and has been chowing down on it ever since. She apparently does not have very discriminate tastes. I'm hoping that she'll continue to like this new one because it comes in a much larger, more economical bag that closes airtight.

The dog acts like he is jealous of her new food while I know in my heart that he has no interest in it whatsoever. It's just the newness of it that appeals to him. Besides, he always thinks that he has to be in on everything thats new and available. Luckily, the cat eats her food on the kitchen counter, well away from the dog, so she is safe. She does always leave behind many footprints that I constantly have to wipe away, especially when it is rainy and they are muddy.

We are expecting a shower tomorrow afternoon, but I won't hold my breath for it. Such things have been predicted in the past without actually coming about. We're having a bit of a heatwave right now, though the temperatures are still bearable. It's 81F right now, which is warm for the time of year. It's only May, after all.  Oh, and I saw my first red poppies growing. What a sight. 

Today was a nice enough day. Nothing spectacular happened. It was just a plain ordinary day that went by quickly. I did laundry and an extra load to get an opportunity to wash my bathrobe which was due for it. It was full of stains and very grubby. I would have been embarrassed to be seen in it. Luckily, I very seldom am. I don't get caught off guard that often. 

I wore my Capri leggings and a cotton tank top and my sandals. It was as summery as I could get. That's the least amount of clothes I'll wear in public. It is funny to go out so skimpily dressed. You feel like you've not got enough clothes on. Fortunately, you notice that everyone else is similarly dressed.

Well, I've got to take the dog for a walk. It is that time of day again. I've also got to take my medicines. If I want to stay sound of mind, I better not forget that. I hope you're all having a good day and that the weather is treating you well. 


Thursday, May 05, 2011

Without mentioning the obvious...

Right, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted by life? It feels like it's been a long time since I was here, while it has only really been two days. So, that's no time at all. You mustn't think that I've got anything special to share either, because I don't. There's been no excitement here at all.

The only things I've got to report is that yesterday was Remembrance Day and today is Liberation Day, but neither of these days make hardly any impact on my life at all, except that I observed two minutes of silence yesterday evening while watching the memorial ceremony on television. That was my contribution to the activities.

You mustn't think that I don't care, because I do. It's just that there's been no opportunity for me to join in on any of the festivities that are organized around town. I've been keeping to myself and you certainly don't seek out company when you keep to yourself. It's part of my agoraphobia. It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to go with me. Maybe I have a social phobia. I was awfully shy when I was a kid. I hide it behind a lot of bravery now, but the shyness comes seeping out all over the place. I'm not at all a brave person, really.

My favorite thing to do in the afternoon is to take a nap. I wait for my medicines to start working and go to bed where I lie listening to the radio until I drift off for a few hours. I think it's the best time of the day. Any time spent sleeping is. It's the safest activity I can think of.  I wouldn't mind being asleep more often. Of course, you do get done sleeping at a certain point. You've just done enough of it and aren't tired anymore. That's the sad part of that.

I don't even like being awake in the middle of the night that much anymore. I'd rather be asleep, but I don't manage that yet. I was up last night and tried to write a post, but I wasn't able to do it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind and deleted everything I did try to write. They were all futile attempts. I don't think I have to be inspired every time I sit down to write. I think it's okay if sometimes nothing comes of it. I don't see it as a literary failure. 

I said I was rudely interrupted by life, but of course I'm not at all. Life doesn't interrupt me in the least. The only movements that happen in my existence are the unexpected ebbs and flows that suddenly appear because of the fickleness of my moods. They interrupt me, life doesn't at all. Life is a smooth pond in which now and then a ripple appears. It is something completely different from what happens in my psyche. 

I think I've written enough nonsense. It's time for me to walk the dog. He's sitting here looking longingly at me with his big brown eyes.

Have a good evening you all. 


Tuesday, May 03, 2011

If and only if...

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, desperately trying to get into a good mood. I know I can do it because I'm stubborn enough for it. I will not be held back by a grumpy mood, especially not when I'm the one who most suffers from it. There's no one here to share the effects of it with me, much as I'd like a comforting arm around my shoulders. Or someone to help me analyze the cause of my mood. I have to do that all on my own and it does get tiresome. 

I took a nap this afternoon and I woke up in a good enough mood. I felt kindhearted when I just got up and I turned on the computer without giving it much thought. I made a pot of coffee and answered some emails. Within the shortest amount of time I was as grumpy as I can be and I didn't feel like being kind anymore at all. I've noticed that sitting behind the computer very often has that effect on me, yet I do it automatically anyway. You'd think I'd know enough to stay away from it. 

I think that maybe sitting behind the computer isn't nearly the complete therapeutic activity that we think it is. As a matter of fact, maybe it is highly frustrating to be constantly confronted with it and your social contacts. It makes you feel like you always have to be good and kind and on your best behavior when in fact you sometimes just aren't and don't want to be. It's as though you really don't have any private time behind your own computer, as though there's always social pressure there too. 

When you add the social pressure of sitting behind the computer to the social pressure you feel in real life, it gets to be too much. There's no escape anymore. There's no safe place to go to. 

That's my immediate analysis. It's the one that is the most obvious. I'm curious the find out who else feels stress behind the computer. Maybe we should allow people more of an opportunity to be grumpy in private and not always expect them to be kind and polite. 

Have a nice day, or not. It's up to you.