Saturday, June 26, 2010

Go here, please!

Please go to my other blog, "Saving Fish from Drowning." I was in the mood for a change suddenly.

Happy on a Saturday...

For a change, I slept the whole night again. That was such a nice thing to happen. No waking up in the very wee hours of the morning and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I could tell by the way the trees cast shadows on the blind that it was a decent time to get up. I made sure I was all done sleeping, in case there was something left in my body, but then Tyke snuggled very close and made breathing almost impossible so I had to get up. He does have all that woolly fur that gets in your nose and your mouth.

So, now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm slowly getting myself together. I watched a wonderfully gruesome "Silent Witness" last night and I'm surprised that I wasn't scared to go to bed and sleep on my own. I guess I don't scare as easily as I thought. As soon as the program was over, I put all thought of it out of my head. And when I say gruesome, I really mean it.

Yesterday was a nice day. The weather was warm, though there was a pleasant breeze, and the sun was shining all day. Tyke and I ended the day by going to my sister's garden and watering all the potted plants there. All the plants looked good, though, and they don't seem to have suffered from the hot weather. All the blossoms were lively and bright.

The day started with a visit from the Exfactor and he was kind enough to go to the store and buy me some ice cream. Oh yum, that was so delicious, but I don't want anymore now, because it's very dangerous to have in the freezer. When I know it's there, I hear it call my name. I have no self control at all. I'm an ice cream addict and I better not have it around me. It will cause me to gain a kilo or two. I should never have food in the apartment that I like a lot.

My personal helper got here next and while she was here I cleaned out two drawers of the dresser and found numerous photographs of whose existence I did not know. It means that I will have to get several photo albums. Well, several may not do it. Quite a few, actually. It depends on the kind I get. I threw some things away too in a trash bag that I will add to as I clean out the rest of the drawers. At least I know what's in the first two drawers now. I simplified the contents quite a bit. I even found some pieces of embroidery that I can work on when I get in that mood again. I had quite forgotten about them and haven't done that kind of work in a long time.

The personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk in the warm sunshine and she tried her best to keep up with us. I have to make sure Tyke doesn't walk too fast. He walks through the tall bits of grass and weeds and is always covered by pollen, but I seem to be over my allergies completely and am not bothered the least bit.

Just as the personal helper was about to leave, the domestic help got here and merrily set off to work with a bucket of suds. She spent a lot of time cleaning what I thought was a clean bathroom and then told me that the bathroom was coming along well. She must know something I don't and see dirt that I don't see. I always clean up after myself real well when I have showered or used the wash basin. I think I leave the bathroom behind spotlessly, but I guess I don't. She then dusted the apartment and hoovered and mopped the floors and was one whir of activity. I feel her back ache when I see her at work. She's amazing.

Today I have to do the dishes and hang up a load of laundry to dry and possibly change my bed. I do want to start using that new washing powder as soon as possible, but I have to use up the old one first. Waste not, want not. If I change my bed, I'll have another load of laundry to do and I can hang it up outside to dry. That brings me closer to using the new washing powder. Oh, for Pete's sake. I'll just use it anyway and throw out the old one. There's just a little bit left. Things you can get worried about, really. Talk about taking it to an extreme.

Alright, that's all settled then. I'm putting clean sheets on the bed and that will be nice for tonight. Yesterday afternoon I took a nap on the sofa. It was very pleasant, but I worried about not being able to sleep at night. Well, I need not have worried about that, because I slept very well. I think I will have another nap this afternoon. I feel in my bones that there is one coming up. Never let it be said that you can have enough sleep on any given day. There's always a good time for a nap. Eight hours of sleep is not enough. I need at least two more.

Have a great day.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Climbing to the top....

It's early in the morning again. I've had my cup of coffee and answered my emails. It's with great pleasure that I do. It keeps me in touch with so many people. Tyke is lying by my feet after thinking initially that great things were going to happen when we got up. He had to go out and be petted and have a rawhide bone and be fed and be petted some more, but now he's settled down again. I guess he realized it was to early to really start the day. I'm not quite ready for that yet. I do need some more coffee before I'm completely functioning.

So, I've just made myself another cup and I'm ready for a good chat about nothing important at all. That has to be possible too. I suppose I will just rattle on about whatever comes up in my head and tell you about that. My coffee tastes very good and strong and it is a joy to drink. It puts hair on your chest, although in my case that's not the required effect. It would look funny, all that chest hair sticking out above my bra. Nevertheless, the coffee packs a punch. Besides, even with men the smooth look is in and men aren't supposed to have chest hair now. I wonder if George Clooney does? I'm not that intimate with him. Somebody inform me.

Today I have a busy day. The Exfactor is going to get here first. He called me on the phone yesterday and asked me if I would need anything at the store and I said, "Well, now that you mention it, I do have a craving for ice cream." That made him laugh wickedly and he said that he would see what he could do about that. I want chocolate covered ice creams and regular ice cream in a box. Vanilla. I don't care for any other flavor and when I'm next in town, I'm going to the ice cream parlor and having myself an ice cream sundae. It's not summertime unless you've had ice cream. That will hopefully take care of my craving. I'll have an overdose of it.

After that my personal helper is going to be here and she's not going to be pleased with me, because I didn't clean out those dresser drawers like I said I would. I spent too much of my daytime hours sleeping. Maybe it's a job we can do together. I'll ask her and see how she reacts to that. I have no, I can always get yes. We are really supposed to go to the post office to mail a package, but the Exfactor can do that instead and that will give us time to clean out the drawers. See, I have it all planned. My evilly scheming mind has it all worked out.

Before she's gone, my domestic help will be here and that will be most pleasant, because the apartment always smells so good after it has been cleaned and, of course, it looks good too, though I have to say that I've been keeping it in good shape and hardly dirty it. I do clean up after myself. There's hardly enough work for two people, two hours a week each. I need to be messier than I am. I have to do the dishes this morning and make my bed, but that is about it.

There was a World Cup match on between the Netherlands and Cameroon last night,but I didn't watch it. I'm a bad Dutch person. I watched Dalziel and Pascoe instead, which to me was much more exciting. I do know that the Netherlands won 2-1, which is not a great score. There are detective series on one of the other channels as long as the World Cup is on. There was an Inspector Linley the night before last. I guess I'm really not that thrilled about football after all, though I do care about the score. I think they can manage that without me watching. I don't think I'm denying myself any great pleasures.

I've got to take a shower and wash my hair which is sticky with hairspray. This morning it was plastered to my head on one side. It's always a real trick to get it back in shape after I've washed it, it's so soft and fine. I don't like to wait until my personal helper gets here to shower. I like to do this job on my own, as I'm quite capable of it and I do want to pick out my clothes carefully. I suppose I will not be wearing any leggings today because they will be too warm. That means I will wear my black jeans skirt with a tank top and a bolero top over it with short sleeves. I do want to cover my arms a little bit. I have too many scars on them to leave them completely uncovered. I wonder what the sun and vitamin E would do for my arms?

Right, it's time to get going. I hope you all have a lovely day. I know I'm going to have lovely weather. I hope you do too.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

A long time...

It seems like a long time ago since I last posted, but it was only yesterday, I think, when I last did. Yes, it was early in the morning when I wrote my last post on Wednesday. Normally I don't wait that long, because I always have so much to tell. This is an exception then to the rule. I don't really have that much to tell. I'll try to come up with something anyway.

I'll tell you about the weather first, which has been splendid. Today it is 27 degrees Celsius and the sun has been shining non stop, as it did yesterday. There's a breeze blowing to cool things off just a bit, so you don't feel stifled. It's just warm air blowing about, but it does give you the feeling that you can breathe.

The apartment is staying relatively cool, because it's insulated well from the heat. I have the window shades three quarters of the way down so the sun doesn't shine into the living room relentlessly. All the doors are open and the windows are open on top. The back of the apartment is in the shade and very cool. I feel a little bit of a draft by my bare feet and it is very pleasant.

Because my sister is in Italy this week, I took Tyke to her house yesterday and watered all the potted plants in her garden with the watering can. It was a fun job and reminded me of my own gardening days. Things are growing well in her garden and it was enjoyable to go from one pot to the next and look at the flowers. The lobelia and the geraniums did best. Tyke had a ball running around and it made me wish I had such a large area myself for him to play in. I'm going to water the plants again tomorrow, unless we get that shower that has been predicted.

The Exfactor was here yesterday and did the groceries for me. On the way home, he stopped by the Turkish vegetable and fruit man and bought a basket of strawberries. They were so red and ripe and sweet, that you could not stop eating them and I ate them all day long until they were gone. Tyke ate some of them too, until his dog instincts took over and he realized that he didn't like strawberries. The Turkish man always has very good fruit and gets new deliveries every day. A lot of people who shop at the supermarket, stop there to buy their produce. His prices are very good too.

The Exfactor bought me a better washing powder that I can't wait to try out. It was more expensive than the one I always get, but I figure it will do a better job too. What I want more than anything, though, is for the laundry to smell good. The washing powder that I have doesn't do that so much. I want the closet to smell like clean laundry when I open the doors. Especially the sheets and pillow cases, but everything really. If I can achieve that, I will be very happy. There, don't I sound like a proper housewife? I may fall for any advertising scheme.

Today I slept a lot. First in my bed and then on the sofa. I was not in the mood to do much, not even for sitting behind the computer very much. I really just needed to sleep. It's probably because of the change of weather. By all rights I should be lying out in the sun getting a tan, but with my luck I would get bright red or get freckles.

That's all the news I have to tell you for today. I hope you all had a good day and nice weather like I did. I'm in the mood for an ice cream.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

In the black blue yonder...

It is in the wee hours of the morning again and I have been up for awhile. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and am incredibly thirsty. I'm almost out of milk and will have to take powdered creamer in my coffee shortly, which is not a pleasure to me, but it is better than drinking it black. I have not had my coffee black in a very long time and I don't like it now. I'm also almost out of lemonade, so things are dire. I do have a bottle of lemon juice that I can make lemonade with if I add enough sugar and I will try that next. It will be a real thirst quencher if a make it not too sweet.

For some unfathomable reason I decided to stay up after I had gotten up to go to the toilet tonight. I didn't want to go back to sleep and decided that was boring. I decided I had better things to do with my time. Well, you can guess what those things were, right? Sitting behind the computer and wasting my time that way, because it's so nice to be up in the middle of the night. I'm so incredibly clear headed, after all. Actually, I'm over courageous and make bold statements in the emails I send out. I try to tell myself, though, that it's the real me speaking and that it's the real way I am. A tough broad with an attitude. One that can't be easily labeled and fit into a box. It's time to give that person some breathing space.

The early birds are singing in the hour before dawn. They are full of good hope like I am. They must know the secret to a happy life. I'm now going to see how long it actually takes for it to get light. I think it will be in another 20 minutes or so.

I have a great desire to hit the open road and to keep going through the endless countryside until I come to my destination, which I will recognize when I get there. That's what I used to do when I lived in California and had my car. I loved traveling and going to unknown places. Little towns on the coast with roadside restaurants and small supermarkets to buy supplies at and a motel to spend the night. A bottle of wine, a can of oysters and a box of crackers to have for the evening. A six pack of cokes to start the day with, my own company and a walk through town. Those were the days of freedom. I have fond memories of them.

They sure are in shrill contrast to the relatively sheltered life I live now. I couldn't be further removed from that person I was then to how I am now. I must try to regain some of that old spirit. I must get back to my liberated roots. My emancipated self who had set herself free, but who I subsequently grew fearful of. I thought she was a dangerous and unpredictable woman, when in fact she was wonderful, if not a little unguided. I have experience on my side now and could use her very much. Maybe we will be witness to a new liberation. Maybe I will set that woman free again. I must embrace her points of view and her attitude and not reject her stand in life. She had a valid vision that I must no longer reject. I must own up to it. The sooner we set that woman free, the better.

I realize that I have been rejecting a large part of me and keeping that part from existing by sheer willpower and force. It's been misguided shame and guilt that has kept me actively doing this from the middle class rules of morality that I find myself submerged in. They are not my rules and I reject them, but I've been trying to conform to them all this time, walking on a tightrope that had me constantly off balance in a very precarious situation. It's time I got over that good and well, and got back to my own set of rules. My own sense of morality. I'll decide how morally solid I am. I will use my own guidelines. I'll make up my own mind about it.

It's been dawn now for a little while. The first birds have stopped singing and I'm waiting for the second set to begin. It's very appropriate that it became dawn as I was writing this. My timing was accidentally excellent.

I've had the last of the lemonade and I think I will have the last of the milk too. I'm so thirsty. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day. I have to go water the potted plants in my sister's garden. I will do that this morning when I walk Tyke. I won't wait too long to do that. It's nice and quiet outside now and it's light enough to go out. I will dress warmly, though, because it's been a cold night.

Have a good day!


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Sleep indeed...

I slept all night last night, just like an ordinary person, I swear to God. It was an amazing experience after not having done so for about a week. I went to bed at a decent time and woke up at a decent time after having had a few significant dreams that I was rather pleased with. Dreams that normally have lots of frustration in them, but that now had satisfying endings. They point me emotionally in a whole new direction and remind me of some of my rights and desires and my own power as a human being. It is possible to swim and not drown in life's complications. It may even turn out to be a warm tropical sea in which you will float. I don't mean to speak in mysteries, but they are realities to me.

I woke up with some time to spare before I had to go to my SPN. I drank coffee and answered my emails. Then I got dressed and walked Tyke. We met a woman with two French bulldogs and much sniffing and snorting went on before all the dogs were happy. The bulldogs snorted, of course, with their flattened noses. Tyke likes these encounters very much and is as happy as a toddler in the zoo. He just can't get enough of it and I literally have to pull him away with all my might. He longingly looks back at his departing friends and really wants to follow them home.

My SPN pointed out to me, that my grievances may actually be real and that I should not just dismiss them as being a product of the absence of enough medication in my system, although she did say that this possibly aggravates it. We looked at one situation in particular and found that it had a real basis and that it was not something I imagined to be true. I do have a real grievance, it is based on something and I have every right to be upset about it and to want to correct it. It's just how I go about it that makes the difference. That's the important part. I feel that I have to be very careful about that and not burn any bridges behind me and I think I could easily have done that yesterday, because my tone would have been very accusatory and nasty. I can't have that. I do want to stay rational and calm. It's the best way to achieve what I want.

The Exfactor was supposed to be here and I just called him to find out where he was and he told me he's not going to be here until tomorrow morning. I'm slightly p*ssed off about this, because I would have waited in vain and he would not have called me. Besides, I think it's rude to say you're going to be here and then decide not to show up. I did count on it and have been waiting since 11 am when I rushed home from my appointment. I think he does insist on leeway a little too much.

I've walked Tyke again and he was his same predictable stubborn self who insisted on being ornery in all the same places. I can pinpoint ahead of time where that is going to be and I'm waiting for him to get over it. Sooner or later he must catch on to the fact that I'm not going to give in to him and that we are not going in that direction and that we are going to move on and that we aren't going to walk around those trees. He did finally get his way and ate the bread that the ducks didn't eat and he acted like it was something incredibly special. Like I had starved him for days. He's got a very tough life here.

The day has been mostly sunny, although there are clouds in the sky and it isn't all that warm. We are just pretending it's warm and everybody is out with bare arms and bare legs, even the mailman. Let it not be said that we aren't optimists. It would be nice to sit out on a cafe terrace now and have a cold beer, though a glass of white wine would do nicely too. You do need someone to sit with, though, and the only person I can think of is my friend Yvonne. Everybody else is unavailable. My sister is in Italy and my friend Lucienne is in Spain. Besides, it's too late in the afternoon to make plans. I should have thought of it earlier. Oh no, I thought the Exfactor was coming.

At least I haven't felt the need for a nap and that is a bonus point. It will probably mean that I will sleep well tonight. I will read my thriller this afternoon. I tried to read it in bed last night, but fell asleep with it quickly. I had enough sense to put it under my pillow and turn off the light, although Tyke hasn't been in the least bit destructive anymore. I think those days are behind him, knock on wood. He leaves my books alone and the books on the bookcase are safe too. So are my shoes and my cigarettes and lighter. He's just about done being a "terrible toddler."

I hope you're all having a good day. I hope your weather is nice. It's slowly warming up in the living room now that the sun is shining through the windows. I don't have a tan yet, but I may try to get one.


Monday, June 21, 2010


I was up for a while during the night, but I had enough sense to go back to bed when it was still early in the morning. I set the alarm clock for 10 am and woke up a little bit before that. I wanted to have time to go to the tobacco shop and to do a few chores. First I had to wake up properly and I took about 45 minutes to do that with a cup of coffee and some cigarettes. They weren't home made, so they didn't taste as good. I don't know what manufacturers put in ready made cigarettes, but it tastes like junk. Not at all like when you make your own cigarettes from plain tobacco, and they're expensive too. They're almost 3 times as expensive as home made.

I got dressed and took my wallet and a plastic bag and Tyke and some baggies. Off we went on our merry way. It wasn't too cold outside and the weather is supposed to be improving soon. When we got to the tobacco shop, Tyke tried to jump into the bin of candies, as usual, and I got my tobacco and filter tubes and some lighters. I must always have lighters. Tyke had the audacity to bark at someone he decided not to like, which happens rarely, and we left the shop at high gear. I needed two baggies, one on the way over there and one on the way back. Tyke always dawdles. He thinks he has to sniff at every bush and blade of grass. I am patient, but sometimes I just drag him along.

When I came home, I started making cigarettes and then the domestic help got here. A cat had killed a bird and brought it home and I had cleaned it up and disposed of the dead bird, but there were still some little feathers lying around. She didn't comment on those and just vacuumed them up. Domestic helpers ask no questions. They've learned not to be curious. For all she knew I had slaughtered Cornish game hen in there, but not a word came over her lips. She did say that the apartment looked tidy and I said that I'd done it myself. She saw in the workbook that nobody had been here on Friday, so she was surprised. Now she could see for herself that I'm really a neat person.

I may be a neat person, but I haven't got the laundry out of the washing machine yet. I may hang it up to dry outside, because no more rain is expected. The temperatures are supposed to get higher each day until it will be hot by the weekend. I don't know how I feel about that. I suppose I have mixed feelings. I am happy because of the sun, but I am less thrilled because of the heat. I am curious to see if I will be less tired. The sun has already come out this afternoon, although there are still big clouds in the sky. It's getting a little warmer inside too, which is good, because I was about to put another cardigan on and may still.

I had taken my medicines real early this morning, rather then taking them late when I would wake up at 10 am. Subsequently, I didn't take them again until 12:30 pm and the gap was too big, because I started to feel awful. I became neurotic and obsessive and I couldn't at first figure out what was wrong. I didn't think anything was wrong, but that the grievances in my head were legitimate and that I should act on them. I was making all sorts of plans to put them into action, but then as time went by, they started to disappear as snow for the sun and that was because my medication had started to work. Finally, there was nothing left of them and I felt silly for having had them and lucky for not having acted on them. You see how precarious this all is. Imagine what would happen if I accidentally missed a dose. I could get into deep sh*t.

By the way, does anybody know what that volcano in Iceland is doing? I never hear or read about it in the news anymore. I just heard another airplane fly over and it reminded me of it. It was so nice and quiet when air traffic was banned for a while. I sure miss those days. The airport is close by, so we have a lot of noise from landing and departing airplanes. It really irritates me and the airport is only going to get more busy as it becomes more international. It does have restricted hours, but you hear airplanes fly over from 6 am on. It can't be much fun for the people who really live close to it. That airport was not one of my grievances, by the way, but I wonder what happened to that volcano in Iceland. I suppose I could google it.

It's time to take Tyke for a walk. The poor thing must not be neglected. I'm trying to teach him that when Gandhi is sitting on my lap, she's not to be molested. Actually, I wish she never was, but she's partly the blame for that herself, because she does seek the danger and doesn't get out of the way on time. She's not mean enough to fight him properly like Toby does. Toby uses his claws.

I hope you're all having a good day and that you will have an equally good evening.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Done sleeping now.

I slept all morning and I just slept several hours on the sofa and I think I'm finally done sleeping now, because now I feel in a good mood and it is the first time today that I do. I tried to write a post earlier, but I was so depressed that I had to stop writing in case it became one big lament. I was just in need of sleep, except that I didn't realize it. I thought I had gotten all my sleep in the morning.

You see, not enough sleep always bothers me tremendously, but who's to say what is enough sleep in my case? It may have to be many hours before I've had enough. Whenever I don't feel that I'm in a very good mood, the first thing I ought to do is go back to sleep, but even I forget to do that, because I think I've already had enough. When I start feeling depressed, I ought to go to sleep and sleep for at least several hours before I wake up and feel in a good mood again.

That's why I think I'm not doing all that great right now and that's why I need so much sleep. It can possibly be because of the weather which has been gloomy. I claim it doesn't bother me, but maybe subconsciously it does. I always say that I like it when it is cool, but maybe these gray skies and little sunshine aren't so good for me. I don't know if you react to the weather that much and I would be curious to hear. Do you need to sleep as much?

It's been tough to motivate myself to get things done, but I did manage to do the dishes and do a load of laundry. I also went around and picked up handfuls of dog hair, because Tyke is shedding a bit. I cleaned up my desk and changed the bed last night and slept between clean sheets. I even went to the gas station at noontime and picked up cigarettes and a Mars candy bar. It was delicious. I almost never do that and Tyke was very sad that I didn't share it with him.

I have to clean the lower parts of the living room windows where the cats have been breathing on them in their effort to see what's happening in the street. Luckily, Tyke doesn't dirty them anymore. He can only stand on his hind legs to look through them. It's quite funny to see him standing there. He looks like a little person looking out the window and his head just sticks out above the windowsill. He can't breathe on the glass anymore.

I just took him for a walk and the sky is still very cloudy and gray. It looks like it is going to rain, but it doesn't and it's cold too. You need a cardigan and a jacket and I wear a scarf. I've also got leggings on and my boots. I was dressed for a day in March.

I'm going to get my pajamas on early and make myself comfortable. Oh yes, first I have to take out the trash and the green bin. I must not forget that. I have the need to sleep again, but I'm going to wait until it is a decent hour to go to bed. I do want to stick to some sort of normal schedule. Well, whatever counts for normal around here. I'm yawning something awful, though, and I'm sure that if I were to lie down on the sofa now, I would be sound asleep again in no time. So I better not go there.

Alright, so I better go and take out the trash and then put on my pajamas. I've got to make it cozy for myself.

Have a good evening, everyone.


Saturday, June 19, 2010


The first thing I did this morning after I wrote my post, was pay the bills. This was less of a stressful job than I had anticipated (it always is) and I was done quickly. I pay them all on line, so it is easy to do. I was able to pay back a loan, so that made me feel real good. It's always nice when you don't have that hanging over your head anymore.

I was feeling tired despite my efforts to stay awake and to want to do chores. I made myself a cup of coffee but it was all in vain. I had to go back to bed. Just as I was about to, the package of clothes arrived. I was so tired that I didn't even open it, but put it down on the chair in my bedroom and went sound to sleep.

I woke up at noontime from the telephone ringing. It was my sister who wanted to go take the dogs for a walk. I said I was not coherent yet and that I would call her back and smoked a cigarette. Then I opened the package with clothes and got dressed. I tried on a bra first and it fit well and to my great pleasure, I had cleavage. That's what you get when you have the right cup size. I tried on one of the sundresses and it fit too and showed my cleavage really well. Lol.

I put on leggings and a cardigan and my boots and was ready to go. I called my sister and told her so. We met in the street and went for a walk. It was cold outside and there were dark gray clouds overhead. We didn't wander too far from home, because it really looked threatening. We were walking around the field in front of her house when the first splatters of rain came down and we hurried home as quick as we could. I had to drag Tyke with me because he wanted to stop and sniff everywhere.

When we got home, it was just about time for the match between the Netherlands and Japan, so I watched that. It was okay, nothing really noteworthy and the Netherlands won with 1-0. I keep getting ready to see some very exciting football, but I'm not seeing it. I probably have my hopes up too much. People were making all sorts of predictions about the outcome, but 1-0 is really a meager score. You'd think the Netherlands could do better than that.

After the game, I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for a few hours. Tyke slept on the other end. I don't know what it is with me and sleeping lately, but I can't seem to get enough of it. I've heard, though, that more people are bothered by it, so it may have something to do with the weather. The cold dreariness may make us want to hibernate.

Of course, I haven't done a thing in the apartment. All of my chores are left undone. Do I care? Not very much, but I have to get them done tomorrow. The place has to be in good shape when the domestic help gets here Monday afternoon. I don't want her to think that I'm a messy person. She probably already thinks that after cleaning up my dirty apartment. I do want to make a good second impression. I don't want her to think that I'm a hopeless case.

I'm already looking forward to going to bed in a few hours. I can't wait to get under the covers. I probably will change the sheets before I get in, because it will be so nice and clean and good smelling. That will make going to bed extra special. I hope I sleep for a long time. I will get my pajamas and bathrobe on in a minute and hang out behind the computer for a while. I have to visit blogs and answer emails.

Have a good rest of the evening or rest of the day. It is dry here now, but there are many threatening clouds. It's kind of cozy inside.


Waking up...

I've managed to sleep about 7 hours and I'm now waking up with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. At least I've had a fairly normal night's sleep and I feel well rested, which does not mean that I will not seek out the sofa later today for a small nap. But that will be after I've taken care of the things I have to do here, such as pay the bills and do the dishes and sweep the floors and dust the furniture, not necessarily in that order. I will do them in my own meticulous way and it will all make sense, though I will pay the bills first, because that weighs the heaviest and is the greatest relief when it is done.

I can't get the show on the road the first thing in the morning. I first need to sit here and gather my thoughts and drink a few cups of coffee and make a slow start. I do that best by writing a post. I get my brain organized that way and in running condition. It's a very selfish way to start the day, because I only have my own objectives in mind. Of course, I write with you in mind and I do want to make sense, but mostly I write for myself and to get myself ready for the day.

I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and Tyke has been to do his business out back for now. I'm not quite ready to take him for a walk. I need more coffee before I do that. I need to be awake more. I'm still yawning and I think I need at least one more cup of coffee. I will make that as soon as I have the wherewithal to get up. These things take a little bit of planning. You can't do them spontaneously. It would upset the fragility of the early morning ritual.

Okay, I've got my cup of coffee now and a new supply of cigarettes. That ought to give me some renewed vigor. If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. I will be forced to go back to bed and start all over again, in which case I will delete this post. I have to stay up, though, because I'm expecting a package this morning with the things I ordered on line the other day.They're supposed to be here between 9 am and 1 pm, which is a long wait and then I have to make sure they don't shove it in the mailbox while I sit here and wait. That's what they did the time before last with my cardigan.

I probably spend an inordinate amount of time talking about clothes on this blog and I don't know how I got that way either. I didn't used too be that way. So very female. I care about clothes very much and I like nice things and I care about the way I look. There was a long time when I was really overweight when I could not do that, when I wore whatever fit me. As I lost the weight, I started caring again about what I wore, as I had before when I became a liberated female. Becoming liberated meant developing my own style in clothing, not bound by anybody else's taste. Not dressing like a wife or a mother. Not thinking about what role I had to play.

I would like to believe that I invent myself now and that I make up my own mind about what I look like within the possibilities that I have. I don't want to be conventional, yet not so absurd that I look odd. I don't want to dress my age, that's for sure, nor does that run in my family. Neither one of my sisters dresses her age, especially not my older sister. My mother was more conventional and dressed like Hyacinth Bucket and had her hair fixed the same way. At least she always looked nice and presentable, although not especially daring. I don't think she quite had the courage for that. I think it is easier for people of my generation to look less conventional. We are not so restricted by rules.

I will look for something nice to wear in a while. I will be something different than I wore yesterday. I don't want to slip into a rut and I easily want to be able to try on the new dresses that I'm expecting today. I hope they fit and that I don't have to lose weight first. If I do, though, it will be a challenge, because they don't come in a bigger size.

I need one more cup of coffee and I'll be totally awake, although I'm on my way now real well. You can probably tell by the way of writing. It's suddenly taken a more upbeat turn after a very slow start. I shall overcome the slow motion of the morning.

I've got to pay bills now. Wish me luck.

Have a good day.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Later in the day...

Very early in the morning I took a shower and fixed my hair into a punk style hairdo with a lot of hairspray. I picked out my clothes for the day. Several layers to be nice and warm and one of them was the long sleeved flowered dress that I hadn't worn for a long time. It fit me great and I wore a black sweater over it with a very low cut V-neck so the dress showed up well.

It was a good thing I wore several layers and my leather jacket, because when I took Tyke out at 6 am for his walk, it was cold outside and my scarf was not a luxury item. We made a longer walk and enjoyed the peace and quiet of the early morning. Hardly anyone was out there but a little traffic and some newspaper delivery people. We didn't meet one other dog and his owner.

Tyke likes this walk, because it takes us past the white horse in his meadow and Tyke is fascinated and scared of it at the same time. We always stop and look at it and usually the horse walks up to the fence to greet Tyke. Tyke is very weary of him and to hide his fear he ends up barking at him, at which point we promptly leave so as not to wake up the whole neighborhood. It's quite a bit of excitement.

Then we reach a stretch of grass where everybody must walk their dog, because I can't get Tyke away from there and he pulls at the leash if I try to move him from a particular interesting spot and there are many spots like it. It's a battle that eventually I win by persistence. You wouldn't think that a 13 kilo dog had so much strength in him.

When we got home, I turned on the computer because I had to order some new bras because of my weight loss. I had become less endowed. This doesn't bother me, but I do want to fit well in my bras. It looks ridiculous if they are too big. I found the right ones in the right size and I also found a set of two sundresses in two different prints for a good price and ordered those as well. I can wear cardigans and leggings with them, or sweaters on top. I ordered them in a smaller size than the rest of my clothes are, figuring I am ready for that. My other clothes are getting too big.

Then I laid down on the sofa and took a little nap. Just for an hour to get over the worst of my momentary dip. That's all I needed and when I woke up I was completely over it again. I felt fine and did some chores. Mostly decluttering the kitchen and the living room and taking care of the trash.

Then Toby managed to knock over a dining chair and it knocked over the plant stand which caused the plant to fall on the floor. The plant landed upside down and the pot broke. I said, "Bravo, Toby, you did a good job. Encore!" I swept up the shards and the dirt and found a different pot to put the plant in. Luckily I had one and this one won't break because it's made of aluminum. The plant doesn't look too bad and I think it's going to be okay. It did make me realize that I had over watered it and that I need to let it dry out, so it was good for something.

The personal helper got here and she had gotten a haircut which made her look a lot younger. I told her so and I must say that a good haircut can do wonders. We sat and talked for a while about how the week had gone and then took Tyke for a long walk through the next neighborhood. Tyke and I walk quickly, I realized, and she had a hard time keeping up. It wasn't warm outside, so it was pleasant to go for a walk and I could have gone much further than the 50 minutes that we walked, but we weren't wearing the right shoes for it. We'll go for an hour the next time.

Shortly after she left, the Exfactor got here. I was watching Germany play Serbia in the World Cup and it was an interesting game. We watched it while we talked, because we're not that fanatic. We didn't miss any of the exciting parts, besides, there were repeats immediately. There were many yellow cards and one red one, all deserved. Serbia won. Germany didn't start to play well until the second half when Serbia defended very well. Tomorrow The Netherlands play Japan in the afternoon. I will be watching and commentating.

I made a deal with my personal helper that I would clean out some of the dresser drawers and organize my photographs that are in there somewhere. Most likely I will be doing that this weekend. I'm looking for the last photographs I have of my son. I was going to show them to her today, but couldn't find them because the drawers are so unorganized. That's terrible. I must get some order into them. I will get a trash bag and throw away everything that is obsolete and useless. I will show no mercy.

It isn't cold in the apartment, but it feels as though it is. I still have the windows open at the top, but there's not much of a draft. Still, my feet are cold and I should put on some warm socks. There are kids playing outside without their jackets on and I wonder if they are confused or if I am. I could have sworn it wasn't warm enough.

Alright, I will see if I can catch the latest political news anywhere. Attempts at coalition forming are still going on and it's starting to look very interesting. We may become much less right oriented than was originally feared.

Have a good rest of the day.


Sleepless in the Netherlands.

Well, here I am in the middle of the night wide awake for a change. I shouldn't say for a change, because I'm more often awake in the middle of the night, aren't I? I do make a habit of it sometimes. I slept for a couple of hours and woke up and was as bright and bushy tailed as a raccoon on a food hunt in the suburbs. I couldn't wait to get up out of bed and get the coffee machine started and turn the computer on. I was ready to live during the night for a while. What the morning will bring is of later concern. Maybe I will collapse, but I don't care right now. I'm throwing caution to the wind.

I was lying in bed last night and couldn't sleep at first. I kept telling myself that I had half an hour to fall asleep, but I couldn't get comfortable. It was too hot with the covers on and then it was too cold with them off. I made a compromise by having them half off. I tried to meditate, but my mind kept wandering to other intruding thoughts, so that was not a success. I tried to make a deal with the Higher Being to show me Nirvana, but that was to much to ask. I finally just went to sleep.

I was awakened by Tyke who was pestering Gandhi. He does pick the most opportune moments for that. When he realized he was caught, he tried to be a little puppy and cuddle up to me in bed. I would have none of that and got up to go to the bathroom, seeing to my dismay what time it was. But then I did not despair and decided to make the best of the situation and to just stay up and amuse myself. There's always something to do in the middle of the night if you use your imagination.

I answered my emails first and luckily there were enough of them there to keep me occupied for a while. I do try to draw out that process when I have the time for it and because of the time differences, I hope for some responses the same night. It keeps me busy. Sometimes I like nothing better than having a good long chat via an email, especially if it's reciprocated. Some people are very brief, which causes me to be brief also, but there's really no reason why I can't answer in a longer email. I just have to use my imagination.

I always feel so good in the middle of the night. I don't have a care in the world. Everything that I may worry about during the day doesn't exist during the night. Not that I have that much to worry about during the day. They are just the minor issues of life. No head breaking things. They're just little obstacles to be got over. They are so minuscule that they are hardly worth mentioning. They are midges and not mosquitoes or deer fly. Fruit flies too in the green waste basket. They've come for the apple peels, but where they come from lord only knows.

Today my personal helper is coming, but my domestic help will not be here. That's why I need to do the chores. It's a good thing to have someone check in with me and keep me on my toes. I could slip into an attitude of nonchalance easily and let things slide. It's good that I know someone will be here to see if I'm holding up my end of the deal. I do have a tendency to put things off indefinitely and never get around to them. I wasn't always like that, but this seems to be me in my new incarnation. Before I was always walking around with a damp cleaning rag in my hands, even if I was on the phone, especially then so I didn't waste time. It was a bit neurotic.

The weather is going to be much cooler for the next 5 days. temperatures around 15 C. I don't mind. It just means wearing more clothes and that is easy. It's taking clothes off when it gets hotter that's the problem. I like getting dressed up, so I'm fine with it. It will give me the chance to wear some clothes I haven't worn in a while. I'm thinking of one colorful, long sleeved dress in particular. I haven't worn it since I've lost weight and I'm curious as to how it will fit me now. There are a few things in my closet that I want to try out since I've lost weight. It will be a whole new discovery.

There's no chance of a right wing coalition, thank goodness, so now the Liberal Democrats will have to form a coalition government with the parties to the left, which is much more to my liking. Which ones they are exactly going to be is not clear yet, there's to be some major negotiation. I hope for the best and that the parties I trust most will be chosen. Somehow they have to make it work or there will have to be new elections and those may not turn out so well. I hope wisdom reigns. Hopefully the queen will exercise her influence and steer everyone in the right direction. She's well informed and modern enough to know what that should be and she has her advisers.

I think I will take a shower now and get dressed in my finest duds. It may take me a while to put an outfit together, but I have time. It is early still and the birds are singing. The sun has just come up and the sky is still overcast. Doubtlessly it is cold outside. I will dress warmly when I take Tyke out for his walk.

Have a good day you all.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Enough sleep...

After I walked Tyke this morning, I decided to go back to bed immediately. I was still tired and I wasn't in the mood to do my chores, feeling unable to face them as sleepy as I was. I climbed into my bed and read for a little while and fell sound asleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm.

I was surprised that I had slept for such a long time, but I felt great when I got up, though totally not in the mood to do anything. I turned on the computer and read blogs and comments and wiled away the time. I didn't in the least bit feel bad about not doing any of the chores I was supposed to do. I was the one who had told myself to do them and I would do them when I was good and ready.

I did take Tyke for another walk and he was happy for it. You can't neglect your dog, no matter how lazy you feel. I wonder if it is laziness I feel or just plain exhaustion, considering I slept so much yesterday too. It could be mental tiredness, because I do suffer from that quickly and what seems like an ordinary day to most people can be very tiring to me and I may be putting in more effort than seems apparent.

Likewise when I say I'm very normal and sane. When I say that, I'm probably less sane than I claim to be. It's when I'm less sure that I'm more sane. I think a lot of times I'm not normal at all and I don't know how many of you feel that you are. It's all very well to go around and claim that you are, but it's another thing to actually be it. I think on the crazy scale I'm more often closer to crazy than I am normal. It's exhausting to try and appear normal all the time and to constantly have to check if you are and pass the test.

I think I really ought not to give a darn and just be as I am and not worry about how I come across. That's very brave of me to say, but I wonder if I can do it? Can anybody do that? It would be a world full of eccentrics. I suppose social pressure forces us to adapt to a certain extent. I just wish it wasn't so much. I would feel a lot more freedom if I didn't have an internal judge guarding over me constantly who checked if I behaved socially acceptable. Do you have someone watching over you like that too?

I'm drinking my third glass of milk. I have an unquenchable thirst. I think I will make myself a cup of coffee next and make sure I save enough milk until the next shopping trip. I always have to count the containers of milk and the days left until the Exfactor goes shopping again. I usually make it, but not if I drink it like water from an oasis.

Sometimes, when Tyke is stretched out on the floor, it takes me a while to figure out what's the top of him and what's the bottom. I just had to take a good hard look to find out. I couldn't figure out where his head was, because his eyes were closed and there were all these ears and legs sticking out that looked alike. He is cute once you figure it out. He looks like a big stuffed animal that you want to cuddle with.

I'm teaching him to fetch now and he's slowly catching on. We're doing it with an old pair of rolled up socks, because he likes them a lot. We also found a tennis ball today on our walk and brought that home. He's been playing with that and hasn't demolished it yet. I'll use that to play fetch with next. It will bounce really well. Hopefully I won't break anything in the apartment.

There, I've completely wasted the day. I haven't done anything useful but write some posts and play with the dog and the living room and the kitchen are a reflection of that. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I won't waste half of it with sleeping. I do want to get some things done. I really need to be over this wish to sleep now. My bed can't become that much of an attraction, nor can the sofa for that matter. They are both to be stayed away from.

I hope you all have a good evening. The weather was nice here today. It wasn't too warm and a pleasant breeze was blowing. It should always be like this.



According to my new digital scale, I have lost 3 kilos. I bought my scale at the housewares store and I got it on sale. It is an expensive scale that also measures your body fat and body water content and muscle/fat percentage. It was marked down to the price of a cheaper scale. Of course, I have to program it to do all those things, but for now it tells me my weight and that is good enough. The rest will come later.

I now have about 4 kilos left to lose to reach the weight that the Obesitas Specialist said I should aim for, but I am going to try and lose more weight and aim for an additional 5 kilos, but if I lose the 4 kilos, I will have lost a total of 40 kilos, which is the equivalent of a small person.

I had planned to do more things, but I was so worn out from making that one purchase, that I laid down on the sofa and slept for 3 hours. Yes, I can´t believe it myself. I didn´t know I was short of sleep. I thought I was all caught up. Without realizing it, I was very tired and needed those extra hours. I felt a lot better when I woke up, but still pleasantly drowsy and tired enough to want to go to bed on time in the evening.

I slept like a bear in hibernation, but I did get up early and doubtlessly that means I will have to take another nap this afternoon. I have to do some chores today and I will get those done in the morning. There aren't that many to do, but just enough to make the place look cared for. My domestic help isn't going to be here tomorrow because she is moving and I will have to do some of the cleaning myself. I really don't mind. I'm more than capable of doing that.

I walked around the housewares store for a bit and saw all sorts of things that I needed, but it would have wiped out my budget if I had bought them all. A woman could go crazy in there, there was so much neat stuff. I saw the glasses I wanted and a new shower curtain and a new waste basket, but I just couldn't spend the money. The bathroom scale was more expensive than I had counted on. I'll see what I can buy with my next check.

Today is already Thursday and it seems that the week is flying by. Today is officially my day off. I never have any appointments on this day. Or very rarely anyway. I try not to have any commitments, but keep the day free for whatever I want to do. I think I will be reading a lot. I got "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" two days ago and I'm already fascinated by it, so I will read it. I've also got to go to the tobacco shop and buy two lighters, because the one the Exfactor got me is starting to run low on fuel and all I have is a box of matches that don't work well. So you see we are the victims of shoddy products and just have to accept that because they were cheap.

My punk hairdo is still very punky. It only got more so by sleeping on it. I'll rough it up a little more in a while and spray some hairspray on it. It should hold it sufficiently even when the wind is blowing. I like being just the slightest bit abstract. It matches my clothes. Oh, that reminds me, I've got to do a little bit of ironing today. There are some clothes that I want to wear that need to be ironed. They will look a heck of a lot better if I do. There's no getting around it. I have to put distilled water in the steam iron. Our water is too hard and it plugs up the holes on the bottom.

I've got to take my medicines and get dressed. It's time to take Tyke for his walk, though he is sound asleep on the coffee table. No doubt he is just waiting for me to get up, but at least he's not breathing down my neck. I've taken my vitamins and minerals pill an hour ago. I want to see if that way it doesn't interfere with my medication. I would be good if it doesn't, because I really need that those vitamins and minerals for my health. It would be very foolish to completely do without them.

I hope you have a nice day.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The second time...

I'm up for the second time this morning. I was up much earlier, before the early birds had even started singing. I drank my coffee and answered my emails and read blogs and then walked Tyke, but decided that I wasn't really awake at all and went back to bed, where I slept for another three hours. That was just what I needed and I feel much better now and like I've had enough sleep.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe now, nice and warm, with a cup of coffee. When I walked Tyke early this morning it was cold outside and I wore my jacket and a scarf, of which neither was a luxury, but now I'm toasty warm and very comfortable. I'm so comfortable that I may never get dressed, but that is silly and I do have to get dressed, because I'm supposed to meet my friend Yvonne later today for a cup of coffee downtown and I still want to go to the store and buy that bathroom scale.

I'm very curious about how much I will weigh and I can't wait to step on the scale. I have the feeling that I've lost a lot of weight, judging by how my clothes fit me. I wore my tight jeans yesterday, but they weren't so tight anymore. They were a bit baggy in the legs and I wore a smaller belt that I really had to pull tight. I'm going to wear some different jeans today and I can't wait to see how those will fit me. Oh, vanity, all is vanity...or is it sanity, all is sanity? I think maybe the latter.

It's cloudy and windy outside today, typical Dutch weather. The sun shines off and on. If it weren't for the beauty of the clouds, it would discourage you. You almost want it to rain to get it over and done with, but then the sun comes through and that really looks good too. It's the kind of sky the Old Masters painted, except that we don't have the endless horizon to go with it or the ships on the stormy sea. To be by the sea now would be a great thing. To have your hair blown to smithereens by the wind and to see the waves pound on the shore. You don't worry about having a bad hair day then like I do now. All it takes is a good haircut, right?

My friend Yvonne let me know she would call me at the last minute to say if she was going to be there, but that she was having a hard time and that she didn't think so. I just wrote her an email saying that I assume she is not going to make it and that I'm making different plans. I'm not going to sit here until 1 pm and wait for that phone call when I could be doing other things. I also have to buy new accessories for the bathroom and go to the post office.

I've just roughed up my hair into a punk hairdo and put on my other jeans that fit me surprisingly well. I pulled them on without any problems. That sure did good things for my self esteem. I put the smaller belt in them and pulled it tight. I'd hate for them to slide off my rear end. I don't have a lot of hips yet to speak of. They will reappear last, I'm sure. I took Tyke for a walk and it was a little bit warmer outside. I still wore my leather jacket, but left it open. It's warm when you're in the sun and out of the wind, but when are you when you are on your bike like I will be shortly?
I've got to get going now. I've dawdled enough. I have to get my purse and my wallet and hop on my bike. My trusty steed.
I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

One more for the road.

I've just written a post, but I thought I would start writing another one and see where it would take me. In reality I'm just a bit bored and don't want to do any of the things that I could be doing, like the ironing. Besides, who wants to do the ironing with a sore thumb? I really could if I had to, but I don't know if I'm quite in the mood for it this time of the day. The afternoon is just about over and the news will be on in an hour. Of course, that's a perfect time to do the ironing, so I'm just making excuses. I'll tell you what. I'll do the ironing tomorrow when I don't have anything better to do. When I've run out of excuses.

With Tyke's help I managed to eat a small apple. Tyke had three bites and I had the rest, not counting the fact that I left a large core that I could have cut down some more. I didn't know dogs liked apples. I've never seen a dog eat one. Tyke looked for more when I had thrown the core in the trash. He looked mighty disappointed when he saw it was all gone. He does try to drink my coffee and my lemonade, so maybe he has strange tastes for a dog. The apple tasted good and my little stomach could just handle it. One bite more would have been too much, so it's a good thing that Tyke liked it too. I'm going to be living on apples for a while now.

I took Tyke for another walk, because he was begging for it. He was sitting in the arm chair and breathing down my neck again. I guess he's figured out that it's the best way to get my attention. He grumbles in my ear very gently and won't stop. That's his way of telling me that we really need to go now and that I need to get up off that chair. It's funny how he figures these things out on his own and the fact that he needs to "talk" to me to get me going. He's a pretty smart dog. On our walk we saw other dogs, but none of them came close enough for a proper greeting, so Tyke was very disappointed and sat on his rear end watching them disappear down the street. I always feel sorry for him when that happens. I want to call those dogs back to us and have them at least greet Tyke. Just to make him a little happy. I know, I'm an overprotective "mom."

I wear my sunglasses when I go outside and it's a bright day. I do it so I won't squint and get wrinkles by my eyes. So far I hardly have any and I want to keep it that way. I forget I have them on when I go back inside and wonder why I can't see a thing when I try to open my front door in the stairwell entry with my key. It slowly dawns on me that I'm wearing my sunglasses and that's why. I want to buy myself a really good pair, but I need to find a lost wallet with a lot of money in it first and borrow some. If there's no identification in it, I'm keeping it. I figure that's drugs money. Anyway, then I can get a decent pair of sunglasses instead of this pair from the lost and found at the film house. I want to look like a movie star too.

I'm a bit sleepy. Last night I went to bed at 8 pm and I woke up at nearly 4 am. I decided I wasn't quite awake enough yet and went back to bed at 6:30 am and slept until 8 am when the alarm clock awakened me. I'll go to bed early tonight too. It's so wonderful to sleep, especially now that I'm wearing some really comfortable pajamas and I like my present duvet cover. Tyke likes it too, because he sleeps on the bed with me every night. There's just enough room for the both of us. Tyke rolls himself into a ball and lies by my feet. It's a good way to wake up in the morning, to have your trusty four footer lying there.

When I don't feel well, I take naps during the day, but when my mood is good, I don't. I do get tired, though, and as soon as it starts to be evening, I look forward to going to bed. I think it also helps that I like my bedroom, although it needs work done on it. It needs new wallpaper and new curtains. Staying up all day and just participating in life, though, does tire me and I wonder how I would do with a busier schedule. I'm not afraid of one and would gladly participate in it if I knew I could handle it.

There seems to be a threshold that I can't cross right now, so I have to increase my activities within the possibilities that I have. Make longer walks with Tyke, do more with my personal helper, go out more on my own on small errands. These are conscious choices that I have to make and I really need to stop and think about them and put them into action. They're not huge changes, but big enough to shake me out of my complacency and make me more involved in life. I will check my bank account balance once again and tomorrow I will go buy a new bathroom scale. That will take me to a different shopping center where I haven't been in a long time. It will be good for me. It's a little thing, but it's a big deal for me.

I'm going to put on my pajamas and hang out in my bathrobe for a while. There's nothing but football or football related programs on my favorite channel. It does get tiresome after a while. As if there's no life besides football. Pretty soon the Tour de France starts. That's more interesting to me, because I like the scenery and the commentary. The scenery especially and I imagine being there. I've been in France, so some parts of it look familiar. I'd love to go back to Paris, but in September when there are less tourists there and go to all the museums and visit them properly. One day for each museum and then lots of strolling and coffees and cafes.

Have a good evening.


Waiting for the good guy...

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up. Since he never lets me know when he will get here, I can wait for hours and I have to keep myself busy in the meantime. I've done some chores and saw my SPN earlier this morning and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee trying to ignore Tyke who is breathing down my neck, literally. He is standing on the arm chair behind me and has his paw on my shoulder and his nose on my head. He is grumbling at me because I won't budge.

In the meantime, I've walked Tyke and the Exfactor has showed up. He has now gone to the grocery store with my list and my band card and Tyke is eating. He takes a bite and chews it while he walks around the living room. It's called recreational eating. The Exfactor has got me an elastic brace that fits completely around the palm of my hand, including in the lower part of my thumb. It has been bothering me for a few days and I think it is due to handling the mouse of the computer. The brace feels really good around it and I will wear it for awhile and see if it gives me any relief. I can always go to the doctor if it gets worse. The brace also prevents me from making the wrong moves with my thumb, which is helpful.
When I saw my SPN this morning, I could only conclude that I was in a completely sane state of mind. I was neither depressed not hypo-manic. I was as I wish always to be, completely "normal." Whatever definition of the word you want to apply to it, but you will know what I mean. This pleased us both very much and it put me in a good mood. I felt very much relieved that I had reached that point after the downturn last week. My SPN said it was because I had recognized what was happening to me on time and asked for help on time, and I said that I'm better able to do it each time because I'm not embarrassed to. I don't think anyone is going to think I cry wolf. So, I did alright then.
I needed very little groceries and discovered that buying the dog food I always get is no more expensive at the store than buying it on line. As a matter of fact, buying it on line is more expensive because I have to pay delivery charges, and all this time I thought I was getting a good deal because I was buying it in bulk. No, I'm not, so burst that bubble immediately. From now on I'm buying this dog food at the store. The Exfactor had also brought a cigarette lighter with him without me asking for it, though I had meant to, because the one I had was almost empty of fuel. He must have gotten my telepathic message. That's a neat trick, I'm going to try that again.
The domestic help did a good job cleaning yesterday. The spare bedroom is a damp room and as a result, the woodwork of the back door and of the window always gets very dirty with mildew and streaks from the water that drips down. She cleaned all the woodwork first and it looks like it has been freshly painted. Than she washed the window and the window in the back door inside and out and they are so clean that it looks like there is no glass in it. It's wonderful. The curtain that was in front of the window in the back door went straight into the trash bag. It had a bad case of mildew and dust. It was beyond salvage.
Now all that has to happen is for the Exfactor to move all his boxes and shelf systems out and that room can be wallpapered and painted and have furniture put in it beside the closet and the chair that are in there already. It's a big room, so there is space for an extra bed and a work table. I promised myself that I would get artistic again as soon as I would have the space for it, so it needs to happen sooner rather than later. I think 2 years is a long time to wait for a room to get emptied out.
Anyway, after much talk about his work and motorcycles, the Exfactor is gone again until Friday. He is a sweetheart, though, and I have to stay loyal to him. What other ex-husband would do the groceries once a week and come visit twice a week? Not many, I bet. I suppose I do serve a function in all of this too. I haven't quite figured out what it is, but I won't break my head over it. The arrangement is quite satisfactory to me, so I won't complain. I see enough of him to get my fill and appreciate him for who he is. Which is basically a decent human being. Let's not forget that. You don't meet many of those nowadays.
I asked him to buy me a bag of apples and I'm going to try and eat one of those. I don't know if I can eat a whole apple, but I'm going to chew very carefully and eat as much of it as I can. I think I need the roughage and the vitamins. It will be a good addition to my diet. I haven't eaten an apple in a very long time and I'm looking forward to it. I didn't put them in the refrigerator because I like my fruit at room temperature. I think then you can taste the flavor better than when it's cold. So wish me a lot of luck with eating my apple. I'm going to eat it with the skin on and all.
I hope you're all having a good day and nice weather. It's turned sunny and pleasant here after a very cool start. It was freezing at 6 am.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Monday morning...

I slept nearly 8 hours, so I'm satisfied. I wasn't that tired when I went to bed, so I said to myself, "I'll give myself half an hour to fall asleep and if I'm not, I'll get up again," and, of course, I was asleep within 10 minutes. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and repeated the same ritual and was asleep within minutes, maybe a few at most. One or two, maybe. Giving myself half an hour to fall asleep usually works very well, because I'm seldom awake longer than that. And it takes the pressure off, because I can just lie there and not worry about the time for a while.

Not too long ago, I would have gotten up in the middle of the night, but I have gotten over that bad habit and now go back to sleep like any ordinary person. I used to think that was impossible, but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a fear of not being able to go back to sleep. That grew during my marriage and I hadn't gotten over it yet. So it's about time that I did. Doubtlessly it had to do with a heavily snoring husband or just another body in the bed taking up space. Now that I sleep on my own, a lot of that is much simpler.

I had a cup of coffee and am now drinking a glass of milk for my thirst, but I will have a cup of coffee again next. I need it to wake up properly, but I've already been out to take Tyke for his morning walk. There's a bright blue sky and sunshine, so it looks like it will be a good day. I didn't get to see a forecast, so I have no idea what the weather is supposed to be like, but I'll assume the best. The most I can do is look out the window and see if there are any clouds gathering.

I don't have much on my program today, except that the domestic help is coming and maybe the Exfactor will be by. I have to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here, otherwise she'll feel compelled to do them, which I don't mind, but it makes me look bad. The last thing I want to do is look like a lazy housewife. I try my best to have the place look good before she comes here. Isn't that funny? It's got to look clean enough so all she has to do is clean it properly. It does make sense. I'm not a messy person on my own. The dirt was old and I keep the place pretty clean. The Exfactor was like that character from Charlie Brown, the one who always had a cloud of dust and dirt hanging around him.

Oh, I'm yawning. It's time for that other cup of coffee.

Tyke is refusing to eat the food I gave him. It's something different than what he usually gets, because I'm almost out of that. This other food is really good, but he doesn't appreciate it at all. How do you deal with something like that? Do you take it away and keep offering it? Or do you get the original food? It's a mystery to me. I didn't know that he could be so stubborn.

The cats always get the exact same food and always eat it. They get the store brand fish menu. I never change it and they always like it. They are just dried kibbles, but it satisfies them and they have a great appetite for it. I suppose they aren't finicky cats. I guess I got lucky.

Speaking of food, I know I've lost weight, because I can tell by the way my jeans fit me, but I have no way of telling because of the lack of bathroom scale. I have to get another one as soon as possible, because I'm really curious. I have to hitch up my jeans with a belt and put it on the last hole there is. I'll have to find a smaller belt.

I have to get the show on the road now and decide what to wear. It will be fun to pick out clothes. I've got to put away the ones I've been wearing though, and in neat stacks.

Hope you have a great day!


Sunday, June 13, 2010

I had noticed...

Yes, I know. I keep writing posts that no one reads and I keep changing the design, as it is now called, of my blog. Not only that, I also changed the fonts and the color to my liking. I'm a fickle woman and I'm going to try out everything I like until I can settle on something. When that will be I don't know, it may take me a while. I'm like a gold digger and I keep seeing bigger nuggets. I can't put down my gear until I've got every one of them.

I did a bunch of chores and Tyke helped me by going around the apartment with me and watching me closely in whatever I did. I don't know what he thinks when he's watching, but apparently it's all very interesting to him. He helped me make the bed by lying down on top of it. Now I have a bumpy duvet. He helped with the laundry by sticking his head into the machine. That helps when you try to get the stuff out. Nevertheless, I got some things done, just in time before my sister called me to ask if I wanted to go with her to take the dogs for a walk. It was funny, because I was about to call her and ask her the same thing. Telepathy.

The sun was shining and I wore my sunglasses, but I also wore my jacket and I was much too warm. Had I known how hot it was going to be in the sun, I would have left it at home. We walked a long way and part of the way we walked along the flags that were set out for a catholic procession. Sometimes we heard the marching band play in the distance, but we managed to evade them completely. There were people standing on the sidewalks along the way, getting ready to greet whatever holiness was about to come by. I don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sure somebody will inform me. Maybe they carried a relic. It's a theory. The colors of the flags were yellow and white, if that has any meaning.

We passed a big stone block in the grassy verge and I said to my sister, "Look, there is the grave of a Roman soldier." She said, "Really?" I said, "No, I'm lying." She believes everything I tell her, because I say it so sincerely. I used to tell her terrible stories when we were kids and I didn't know better. Luckily, I improved as I got older. That doesn't mean that my stories got better.

Tyke had the runs right on some one's driveway. The people weren't home, but their neighbor was and my sister asked him for a bucket of water to wash it away. That's how my sister is. She's not the least bit embarrassed to approach someone with a request like that. I hadn't even thought of it. My sister is an extrovert, while I, in my Dutch incarnation, am an introvert. Anyway, the bucket of water worked and we could leave with a clear conscious.

My sister wanted to know how I was doing. I said, "I'm better now, but I was a bit depressed all week." She was surprised and said, "I hadn't noticed. Why didn't you tell me?" I said, "As long as I have some kind of control over it, I don't want you to know. I'll let you know if I really can't handle it." My sister counts on me to be there for her every day and I sure as heck am not going to let her know when I'm mildly depressed, because then she'll feel that she can't lean on me and I don't want that to happen. I am her big sister and I do want to keep functioning in that role. I do feel a sense of responsibility towards her, especially since we don't have parents anymore.

It's alternately sunny and cloudy and noisy little kids are playing in the street. Kids always shriek a lot, I guess it is necessary. That's the drawback of good temperatures. Kids are out and every time one screams, I think something has happened. It's very unsettling. Parents must have nerves of steel, but then I forget that I used to be a parent of little kids too. I survived it, although I think that all mothers have a simmering nervous breakdown that's not recognized.

At least my life is filled with reasonable people and sensible adults. I do count my blessings. And cute animals, let's not forget them.


A bright blue sky...

I woke up to a bright blue sky, but in the short time that I've been up, clouds have started to move in from the west. The sun is still shining, but I'm worried about those clouds and what they may hold. I hope it doesn't mean more rain.

I slept well enough, even though I went to bed late. That was due to my long afternoon nap, which rested me a little bit too well. Nevertheless, I fell sleep quickly and had interesting dreams about a house that I was adding rooms to and about a feral cat that had a kitten that was tame. Both the feral cat and the kitten were very beautiful and I had the feeling that the kitten was a clone of the mother. They looked exactly alike. An immaculate conception maybe.

I dream about the house regularly and every time I do, I add a room to it, never in the same architectural design and all with different views from the windows. I have to work out such things as where the doors and the stairways go and what to put on the floors and where to put the furniture. These are always very satisfying dreams and I'm sure they are very symbolic to my life. I'm sure I've mentioned this before and I'm repeating myself, but maybe it is news to some of you.

I just took Tyke for a walk and saw that there were clouds all over the place and it is chilly outside. I didn't get dressed, but put on my denim jacket over my pajamas, which look like lounge wear. I've never done that before, but I wasn't in the mood to get dressed. I was so comfortable in what I was wearing and I figured I wouldn't meet anyone anyway. Well, I hardly met anyone and I don't think they noticed, because I didn't notice what they were wearing. Now I'm sitting here nice and cozy again and I won't have to get dressed for a few hours. I will always take into account from now on when I buy pajamas, how they will look when I wear them outside. I could just buy sweat pants and a sweat shirt, of course.

I'm glad today is Sunday and I'll be doing chores that will give some purpose to the day. I don't have that many to do, but they will keep me busy for a while. I see things that need to get done all the time, but then have to remember that I do have domestic help and that they have to do some of the work too. I don't want to get over optimistic and start doing all sorts of jobs and find out down the line that I can't keep up with them. That would just be my kind of bad luck, although I shouldn't say that. In spite of everything, I don't really have bad luck, because something always works out. I have good luck in bad times, let's put it that way.

This month it is two years ago since the Exfactor and I separated. It seems like it was much longer. It feels like I have been single for a long time. I have never really regretted it. I have been lonely at times and I have missed him, but for the most part it has been a good thing and I have been a lot healthier on my own. It has forced me to face my issues by myself and that has been a lot better. Adding an intimate relationship to the equation only complicated things. I can't handle another person's issues along side my own. Personalities clash and needs get in the way. Now I only have to worry about my own needs and idiosyncrasies. They don't reverberate off the other person's. It's much simpler. Our divorce was final in October. I must look up the date and enter it in my agenda. It will be a good one to remember. The day I was emancipated.

First we have the summer, which so far is not looking very promising, although I have to remember that it is still springtime. Even so, it's not been a very good springtime. It's been cold and I've had the heater on often. The lack of sunshine is making my eczema act up and I'll have to get the ointment out. It was just getting better. The tan lines on my feet are still barely there.

It's time to get some work done. Duty does call. I wish you all a good day and good weather.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

One more time...

It started to rain this morning and it wouldn't stop. I finally had to make a decision to go out in it, because I needed tobacco and I wanted to get some things for Tyke at the pet shop. I put on my hooded coat and out we went in the drizzle. Tyke didn't mind one bit and soon was one wet curly bundle of fur. When he gets wet he looks like he's just had a permanent.

I got him some interesting things to chew on at the pet shop, including a big dried soup bone that you could hit someone over the head and knock them out with. He doesn't quite know what to do with that, but he does know what to do with the beef jerky sticks that I bought, one of which he is eating now.

At noontime it had stopped raining for awhile and my sister called to ask if I wanted to go and walk the dogs. I thought this was a perfect opportunity to try and let Tyke off the leash, which I had never done. I walked over to my sister's house and we set the dogs loose on the big field in front of her house. I was very curious about what Tyke would do and half expected him to take off, but he did no such thing.

He liked the freedom and ran around, but kept coming back to us. It was fun to see him run around freely and enjoy himself. We walked all the way around the field and the dogs followed us and Tyke did as if he always had. When it was time to go back on the leash again, I crouched down and he came running to me. So that was pretty painless.

Because he's so low to the ground, he always gets very wet from the grass and his paws and the lower half of him are sopping wet when it has rained. It's difficult to get him dry and all day long he walks around being damp. Wherever he lies down, there is a damp place, so you have to be careful where you sit down. Luckily, he lies down most often on the coffee table, so that's no problem and the cushions on the sofa have a sheet over them, so that spot dries fairly quick too. You do have to warn people that you have a damp dog, though, in case it surprises them.

When we came home from the field, I realized I was very tired and laid down in bed and soon was asleep. I woke up a few hours later to go to the toilet, but I wasn't ready to be up yet and went back to sleep. I finally woke up at 6:30 pm and was completely over my tiredness and felt ever so much better. Sleep, or the lack of it, can make or break you. I seem to be enormously sensitive to this and can go from very depressed to alright just depending on how much sleep I've had. Lack of sleep can mess up my mood very much and the first thing I need to do when I feel bad is find out if I'm overtired, which I quickly am. I rapid cycle if I'm overtired and I don't do myself any favors by staying up.

I just walked Tyke for the last time today and it was chilly outside. It has stopped raining, but it is still cloudy. It's not the kind of weather that was predicted. I'm about ready with the rain now and am in the mood for some sunshine. I don't mind if it's not so warm, but I do miss the sun. It has peeked through the clouds a few times and it looked promising, but it disappeared again each time.

Saturday is always a little bit of a lost day. I usually don't accomplish much and I seem to save my chores for Sundays. The laundry is still in the washing machine and it has been for three days now, I think. I will have to hang it up tomorrow. I also have to sweep the living room and the kitchen and do the dishes. At least the weekends aren't the awful wastes of time that they used to be. I may waste time, but it doesn't feel like it. The days go by quickly and before I know it, it is Monday again.

No matter how you look at it, the weekend is a break from the busy week, even though I don't have a job to go to. I feel the same as anybody else and as if I'm on a break on Saturdays and Sundays. I feel more carefree and less responsible, when in reality I'm probably not. Less responsible, I mean. I'm still in charge of all the same things I am during the week. My main charge, of course, being the animals who completely depend on me. It's good for me. It makes me less self centered and less self occupied. It prevents me from too much navel staring and hibernating.

It's time for the World Cup Football, people! The Netherlands is playing its first game against Denmark on Monday. I'll be watching it.


Good Morning!

It's that time of the day again. Time to drink coffee and gather my thoughts and make sure my head is screwed on tight before I do so. I will give myself a limited amount of time to come up with something amusing to write, otherwise I'm deleting everything and going back to bed, which is where I think I belong anyway, considering I only had 6 hours of sleep. So, that is why I'm yawning and, although you can not see me, tear drops are hanging in the corners of my eyes and are running down my face. In reality I'm very tired still. I will be stubborn and stay up and write this post. After that I will go back to bed for a while.

I did walk Tyke already and make cigarettes with the last tobacco that I still had. I just checked my bank account balance to make sure I had enough money to go to the tobacco shop and all is sound and well. You never know at the end of the pay period, especially if you haven´t looked for awhile. It does get scary, but I´m always okay. That´s because I´m such a penny pincher. As a reward for my good efforts, I just ordered a book at The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson, which came recommended by one of my blog friends. She liked it and her husband likes it (he´s still reading it), so it must be good. Stieg Larsson is a Swedish writer and I usually like Scandinavian writers, especially Swedish ones.

The new background to my blog does actually come from Blogger itself. It´s one of the new designs. I did end up picking one of theirs after I looked around a bit. There are a lot of choices now and you can choose any one of them in a multitude of colors. I was immediately hit by this watercolor. I appealed to my sense of aesthetics and reminded me of my screen saver. It has the same shades of pink in it.

I feel good as long as I´ve taken my medicines. You wouldn´t think it would make that much difference, but it does. In the morning it takes a while for everything to start working and until that time I don´t feel all that happy. I take my medicines as early as I can, without creating too large a gap until my noontime medicines, and then I drink coffee until the medicines start to work. It´s a real relief when they do and I feel a load drop off my shoulders. It´s like I join the living and these are not addictive medications. This is medicine I take in order to function well.

This has been just this week while I´m not doing as well as I was before, but I´m not in super bad shape now. I´ve increased my anti depressants and I think I´m reaping the benefits of that.

I´ve got to stop writing now, because Tyke is begging for attention. he´s doing everything he can to try and get me to stop doing what I am doing. He´s nearly climbing in my neck.

Have a good day, you all.


Friday, June 11, 2010

I guess not...

I had a cup of coffee and that lifted me right over my sleepiness and now the hands of the clock are starting to move toward the morning hour. One of the things I have done in the meantime is simplify the background of my blog to make it less cluttered and easier to read. Sometimes you have to go for the very simple design and not for the busy, full colored one. That's not always as obvious as it seems, but I did figure it out in the end. Less is more, as my friend Laura used to say.

Did you see that Blogger has a new feature? They now have "Design" instead of "Lay Out" and you can custom make your templates. It's more interesting than it was before, but that's not where I got my background. They do have some more interesting templates to choose from now, though, and more options for the colors you want them in, so it's not bad if you just want to stick with them. If I hadn't already picked out my background, I would have been tempted to go with one of theirs. I still may change my mind. you know how fickle I am. If it's there and it's available., I want to use it. Why let a good thing go to waste? I always want to try something new.

I've completely woken up now and will greet the early morning that will start with birdsong in about half an hour. That will be the official start of the day. Sometime after that the sun will come up, although it will most likely be overcast again. The temperature today is going to be 26C and we're expecting some rain this afternoon, but I won't hold my breath for it. It was predicted yesterday too and we never had any. I think we're too far south for it, tucked away in the valley of the Meuse.

I think the best thing I can do is take Tyke for an early morning walk, now that I'm wide awake and no longer under the influence of my nighttime pills. They're completely out of my system. I had taken them on time yesterday thinking that I would sleep early and long, but it didn't work out that way and turned into a nap instead. That's such a let down, when you're ready for a long sleep and it turns into a popcorn fart. I feel cheated out of my sleep, but no doubt I will make up for it later in the day. There's always the sofa to go lie down on for a few hours.

The first birds have started to sing early. They start earlier every morning and ever so cheerful. Birds must always be happy in the morning, how else could they sing such beautiful songs? I suppose they're not worried about hat sparrow hawk I saw the other day. We also encountered a dead pigeon on the sidewalk without a head. Tyke wanted to take it home with him. I didn't think so. I've seen more appetizing things.

I had changed the sheets on my bed, but now I've hardly slept in it and I was all ready for a long night. I washed the ones that were on my bed, because I'm completely caught up on the laundry. I have to go hang them up to dry in a bit. This way I'll never run out of clean sheets. Well. it's actually not the sheets I'm worried about, it's the pillow cases. I use four of them at once and run out of them. I have to invest in more of them, but have to go to Ikea to do it. They have the right size pillow cases there. A trip to Ikea is always interesting, of course, because of all the wonderful gadgets you can buy there.

The personal helper is coming in the morning and just as she's about to leave, the domestic help gets here. The one that works so hard until she's got a backache. She's an amazing worker. I don't want her to get a backache and she can take it a bit easier if she wants, but she doesn't want to. She likes to go hard at it. I thinks she likes to be really worn out after a job. It gives her a feeling of satisfaction.

The personal helper is a very maternal type, even though I am older than she is. She is a caring kind of person who mothers you. Although I won't say that I need to be mothered. It is nice to have someone be kind to you, though, and tough at the same time. She makes sure I do the things I'm supposed to do. That I'm committed to. We're supposed to go to the store together one of these days. I think I will make it an errand to the post office. That will give us a chance to walk there and not have to haul groceries back with us. I don't think I can carry groceries that far.

I think I will go look at the Blogger designs now and see if there's anything I want there. I am curious. It's also starting to get light outside, so in a little while I'll be able to walk Tyke. It will be real early, but it will be nice and cool. No dew treading yet for me, though. Tyke will want to walk in the wet grass and get curly fur. I always looks like he's been for a perm.